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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you do? RE 'on a break'

64 replies

bitsnbobsss · 04/06/2018 12:46

Without giving too many details, I want to know this... if your partner said they needed "some time apart to think about things".. but said we'll definitely meet up in a month or so and discuss things.. would you just let him have his space and not contact him at all? It's been nearly 2 weeks for me now and I haven't contacted him, because I want to respect his wish for time apart. Another part of me feels really mad though - if he needed this time why didn't he actually break up with me? It makes me want to end it before he can!

So yeah my question is would you leave them alone for a month or two (providing you don't have children or live together, etc)? Or do they not deserve that amount of time? Helpppp

OP posts:

PuppetOnAString · 04/06/2018 14:23

Is this really worth the bother? You’ve had two breaks already, how many more?

Original poster

bitsnbobsss · 04/06/2018 14:31

Thanks again guys. I personally don't think he's out with other women, as he did give me reasons for why he wants some time to think, and he's never ever had the kind of confidence to pursue women like that - but I could be being naive. He's said multiple times he doesn't know what he'd do without me as he'd be way to nervous to ask someone out, etc and I definitely believe him (I'd say I had quite an active role in our relationship coming together which is fine by me as I'm more confident). I know that these are just words though. Just thought I'd say that saying he's out shagging other women doesn't really come into my conscious at the moment/doesn't scare me!

Thank you though everyone and I was thinking to message him today and let him know what I'm feeling - and that he's got no more chances, I'm out. I already feel myself back-pedalling, thinking "should I just wait until the weekend so he's not at work" blah blah, are there any benefits until waiting a few more days and seeing how I feel at the weekend or is that dumb?

OP posts:

Keeptrudging · 04/06/2018 14:36

I couldn't be arsed with repeatedly being left hanging by someone who 'needs time' to decide whether to be with me or not. You've got your whole life ahead of you, why settle for anything less than someone who adores you and 100% wants to be with you?

mishfish · 04/06/2018 14:37

You’ve been together for 3 years and already on your second break. I think this is going to be a regular occurrence if you take him back OP.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/06/2018 14:43

Do you really want him back; if the only reason that he keeps coming back is because he doesn't have the confidence to find another woman?

Two breaks in three years is a lot - and two too many; in any case.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/06/2018 15:01

And when you have kids with this man-child and he's had enough of proper adult life and fatherhood - what do you think he's going to do?
Yep - you go it in one.
He's going to run off and leave you a single parent while he 'can't cope'
Etc....
Please don't do this to yourself.

puppywithattitude · 04/06/2018 15:18

I think that you have to be honest with yourself, the only reason you are thinking of waiting until the weekend has nothing to do with him being at work and everything to do with giving him more time to come back.
Relationships can be hard work when you hit real problems that marriage and kids can bring.
It should be easy going and full on adoration at this point.
Get rid and find someone who deserves you, any short term pain will be nothing compared to what the future will bring if you continue with this tit.
.

mogratpineapple · 04/06/2018 16:18

It's as if he doesn't want to cut ties in case he needs you to fall back on. Yes, seen this before. Get rid

SparklyMagpie · 04/06/2018 16:39

I'd be done

And i don't like the comment about not knowing what he'd do without you as he wouldn't be able to ask anyone else out

That just sounds like he's making do

Don't waste your time OP

MeMyShelfandIkea · 04/06/2018 17:05

Sounds like your previous break was during what should still have been your honeymoon period. You're his safety net whilst he puts his feelers out in the big wide world, as a PP said if the only reason he keeps coming back is because he's too nervous to ask out other women then you really do deserve more. Most people change a lot during their twenties - you need to be a really solid couple to get through that phase and stay together long term.

Loopytiles · 04/06/2018 17:11

Cut your losses. This man is a poor bet for a 3rd round.

Loopytiles · 04/06/2018 17:12

“ He's said multiple times he doesn't know what he'd do without me as he'd be way to nervous to ask someone out, etc”

WTF?

LuckyAmy1986 · 04/06/2018 17:18

It should NOT be this much work. Don’t you want to be with someone who undoubtedly wants to be with you??? Not needing breaks from you. It should be fun and easy in these early years. Take advice from the ladies on here, most of whom
Are probably older than you. Get out, get on, have fun, don’t look back. Do something adventurous you have always wanted to do! You are so young.

HollowTalk · 04/06/2018 17:26

I think I'd always be wondering what he was going to come up with after a month apart, but I'd write to him saying, "Sorry, I've realised I'm much better off without you - I've had a lovely time!" before he could say anything to me.

Pippylou · 04/06/2018 17:33

Go out with someone who wants to go out with you!

Original poster

bitsnbobsss · 04/06/2018 17:36

I think the "too nervous to ask someone out" comment came out wrong - it was never in a "I'd rather ask someone else out but I can't", it was in random conversations such as "how do you think you'd be on a first date nowadays?" that kind of thing. So not a big deal to me but I see why some of you think that's disrespectful! I was just trying to make a point that I don't think he's out with other women like some posters suggested.

Thanks again everyone :) I really appreciate the kick up the ass lol!

OP posts:

TheMonkeyMummy · 04/06/2018 17:41

Oh dear. I have been exactly where you were. Never ever believed he would do that to me and he just wanted to have a bit of space.

Guess what he was really up to?

We danced this dance for 8 months until I told him I didn't love him anymore (complete lie, I totally did) and then my girlfriends and lovely colleagues formed a barrier around me and took me out drinking (a lot).

I met DH 6 months later

TheNoseyProject · 04/06/2018 17:49

It’s doesnt really matter why he wants the break or what he might be doing or how he may or may not behave in the future. What matters is you!

Where do you see this going?
What do you want from the relationship/any relationship?
Is he really the one?
If he is the one is he worth this?

You’ve got this time apart. Use it for you to get some real clarity on what you want. We can pontificate about him all day but it’s pointless.

Taking back control doesn’t (necessarily) mean being the one who ends it. It means working out what you want and doing the things that get you there (which may well mean ending it).

Original poster

bitsnbobsss · 04/06/2018 17:54

Thank you @TheNoseyProject, that comment was nice to hear. Honestly, right now I do want him. But I also want to settle down with someone that I can see forever with, and this behaviour from him means maybe I can't see forever with him anymore. You're right, I should use this thinking time too :)

OP posts:

offside · 04/06/2018 18:00

Not RTFT.

I was with my ex for 6 years and towards the end I really need some time apart to decide what I wanted to do, and for him to have that time also, as I felt like we were living more like flat mates and I had all the responsibility.

I repeatedly asked for him to go home for a week (I would’ve done but I worked two jobs in our area and he didn’t work at all) and he didn’t aquiesce for about 3 weeks, at which point we weren’t really communicating at all.

I didn’t contact him and not did he contact me which told me that it was over. Ironically, he was the one who met someone in that week and is now married to her, so I believe fate definitely played a part in how things planned out for us.

This all happened about 10 years ago and I’m so glad I forced the issue.

I would say if after two weeks you haven’t contacted each other then it’s all but over, there is no real urge for either of you to contact the other and this does not bode well.

As others have said, it’s time for you to decide what you want as well, this isn’t just his ‘break’ it’s yours too and you should take the time to figure out what you want, don’t let him hold all the cards.

AnyFucker · 04/06/2018 18:10

melonscoffer · 04/06/2018 18:23

Any fucker beat me to it!
First thing that came to my mind.
I think the OP. needs to discover this song from the olden days
Unfortunately I remember it first time round

melonscoffer · 04/06/2018 18:26

AlisonMoyet. -All cried out.
I dont do links . Help me out someone.

AnyFucker · 04/06/2018 19:01

Me too, melon

And thankfully I did (eventually) take the advice behind those lyrics. Then met my fabulous husband.

AnyFucker · 04/06/2018 19:02

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