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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Always the girlfriend people seem to be ashamed of...

54 replies

Datingdoris · 04/06/2018 12:26

Just wondering if anyone can shed some light on why this might keep happening to me.
With all of my previous partners I never seem to get a mention on Facebook etc but if you look at their posting history they seem to have gone over the top saying how wonderful their previous partners have been and lots of photos etc
Do you think this is an indication that they are ashamed of me?

OP posts:

pippistrelle · 04/06/2018 12:40

Maybe they've simply seen that it can look a bit silly if you bang on about how wonderful someone is, and then you split up with them. So, not necessarily a negative thing at all. Do you have any other reason for thinking that?

cakecakecheese · 04/06/2018 12:54

Interesting fact: quite often the gushy posts are written by the women themselves. Honestly.

Don't focus on Facebook focus on how they treat you. If they treat you well and introduce you to their family and friends then it's unlikely they're 'ashamed of you'.

RainySeptember · 04/06/2018 12:58

The romantic posts are usually instigated by their needy girlfriends.

Take heart from the fact that the best relationships don't need social media 'likes' to validate them.

PsychoPumpkin · 04/06/2018 13:01

My husband and I don’t mention each other on our social media at all really, not even in the beginning of our relationship.

I’d read less into it than you are and focus on how he treats you. Is he good to you?

Original poster

Datingdoris · 04/06/2018 13:07

It isn't the lack of mention that bothers me it is the fact they seemed so publicly into their previous girlfriends then nothing for me, it is like I never exist.
I have very low self esteem so I find this particularly difficult to handle. I'd be absolutely fine with it if they had treated their exes the same way but it seems like there is something lacking in me that means I need to be hidden away

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readyforapummelling · 04/06/2018 13:07

Ah I wouldn't worry. I've been with my DP 8 years and I've only ever tagged him on FB once when I managed to take a picture of a huge dog trying to hump him.

The less time he spends on fb and the more time spent with you is better

Original poster

Datingdoris · 04/06/2018 13:08

Sorry, I was really rude there and forgot to thank you for all the replies. Thank you very much!

OP posts:

readyforapummelling · 04/06/2018 13:09

Bit of shit wording going on there in my last sentence. Trying to straighten my hair before DD wakes up!

LeChatDeNuit · 04/06/2018 13:09

What sorts of things has he posted about his exes?

Original poster

Datingdoris · 04/06/2018 13:14

Loads of photos and just stuff of them doing things together.
My previous boyfriend did it too, he used to write gushing posts about how excited he was to see his girlfriend and about the 'cute' things she used to say, just basically being very public about their love for them.
Also my ex husband now does it with his present girlfriend, never did it with me.

OP posts:

LeChatDeNuit · 04/06/2018 13:19

How long have you been together? Maybe it’s something that will come in time.

Original poster

Datingdoris · 04/06/2018 13:26

I was with my ex husband for 10 years, ex boyfriend for 4 years (longer than their relationships with the people they mention/Ed frequently)

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PebbleTissueScissors · 04/06/2018 13:30

I have very low self esteem so I find this particularly difficult to handle.

No idea if it's true that you do have very low self esteem (in the sense that you may be judging yourself harshing as against others - no one is rock solid 100% confident) but taking it at face value:

people have a tendency to take people at their own estimation. In other words, if you think you are great and act like you are great, most people will think you are great and treat you like that. A bit of an oversimplification and not talking about arrogance btw but you get the idea.

If you have very low self esteem, it is possible you are projecting that which can have bad consequences - including attracting men who want to be in a power position to take advantage of a person with low self esteem and people walking all over you because you just want to please them to make them like you.

No idea whether this is true but have you thought about this? Do your partners treat you well generally and it is just this issue? Or are they treating you badly and this is a symptom?

lynmilne65 · 04/06/2018 13:32

FFS

DuchyDuke · 04/06/2018 13:34

Are you very social media orientated? A lot of the time the posts are a way of getting social media junkies onside after an argument. It isn’t, at all, a reflection of how people actually feel about their partners.

Original poster

Datingdoris · 04/06/2018 13:50

Thanks for all the helpful replies. Not sure why you have written 'ffs' lynmilne?
So I have never been treated badly by a partner other than one from a long time ago now.
I am not at all social media orientated, I never actively take part in social media other than looking for advice on here really.

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DuchyDuke · 04/06/2018 13:52

That explains it then. The other girlfriends probably are and so the guys are trying to win them over via social media. It’s a bit of a double-edged sword because I’m sure these same women probably send digs to their partners via SM too.

Original poster

Datingdoris · 04/06/2018 13:55

Oh I see, is it really as straightforward as that? I thought it was for other people's benefit those posts, so they could show off their fantastic girlfriend! And I thought I just wasn't worthy of showing off

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DuchyDuke · 04/06/2018 14:00

This explains it the best. Relationship bragging occurs the most in weak / fragile relationships. In my experience often after rows / cheating. Virtually never happens in strong relationships (except for special events like weddings etc).

thoughtcatalog.com/katie-coopersmith/2017/08/why-do-people-relationship-brag-on-social-media/

ravenmum · 04/06/2018 14:01

My last bf kept writing stuff on Whatsapp all day, soppy pictures etc. so I sent him pics too. Current boyfriend only uses Whatsapp for necessary communication so I'd feel stupid sending him any soppy stuff; he wouldn't appreciate it in the slightest. I guess you don't come across as being really into FB fripperies.

Serial123 · 04/06/2018 14:02

It could be that they thought you were secure enough not to have to do that? I don't know many men who would voluntarily write those posts (or at least not v often) - so maybe they felt they had to with those women - for whatever reason.

MinaPaws · 04/06/2018 14:12

It means nothing. Please don't let Facebook behaviour of others dictate how you veiw or rate yourself.

If it helps. DH and I have a very happy, strong marriage, and have been together for over twenty years. Yesterday he notified me on FB to tell me he'd confirmed we were married. I'd had married to him on my page since FB began but he only just got round to confirming it as truth. It in no way shows he's not into me.

Get off FB. If you're surfing the net, you;d be better off looking into online free courses and blogs on how to raise your self esteem and your self-confidence. Honestly, who cares what exes think of you online? Online expressions are never the full true picture, anyway. What matters is how you feel about yourself now, so that you can attract the right sort of people into your real life.

LML83 · 04/06/2018 14:14

Much like others have said, they posted about previous girlfriends

because they expected/asked for it
in response to gushy posts by girlfriends
because they were insecure and trying to show world all is well.

Obviously some people post about everyone, but if they are treating you differently I suspect one of the above is the reason why. Try not to over think.

Original poster

Datingdoris · 04/06/2018 14:19

From what I have been told all these women were/are an awful lot more secure than I am/was so I feel like it still doesn't add up. They were much less emotional than I am.

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Original poster

Datingdoris · 04/06/2018 14:24

I have asd so my low self esteem and confidence tie in with that. I am seeing a specialist team now but it has taken many years of waiting to get to see them. I don't spend time on Facebook at all really other than having looked at partners profiles and discovered that there is a pattern! I've never had a 'proper' profile, I have just used it when I have been buying and selling something that is mainly done over Facebook.

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