Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Always the girlfriend people seem to be ashamed of...

54 replies

Datingdoris · 04/06/2018 12:26

Just wondering if anyone can shed some light on why this might keep happening to me.
With all of my previous partners I never seem to get a mention on Facebook etc but if you look at their posting history they seem to have gone over the top saying how wonderful their previous partners have been and lots of photos etc
Do you think this is an indication that they are ashamed of me?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 04/06/2018 14:26

The boyfriends were insecure about their relationships so were trying to hide that by making a big fuss on FB; that way round.

(Maybe because the women were so confident!)

Cliveybaby · 04/06/2018 14:30

hmm I don't think social media is a very accurate indicator! AsPP have said it could be the girlfriend writing it themself, it could be because she's really needy etc... not because you're not worth boasting about!
I've been with my DP and mentioned him maybe 4/5 times in all that time? (and one of those was "announcing" our engagement).
He doesn't have SM so has NEVER mentioned me!

Cliveybaby · 04/06/2018 14:31
  • I've been with my DP 6.5 years
Beamur · 04/06/2018 14:32

Given their now 'ex' the relationship can't have been all that great after all...

Beamur · 04/06/2018 14:33

They're not their, sorry.

Dahlietta · 04/06/2018 14:33

As long as you have no other reservations about the relationship, I really wouldn't let this affect you. It probably is one of the several sensible suggestions made on this thread and I do think that if you are not a big user of social media, it could even be that your current boyfriend thinks you don't want him to splash you all over it. My DH isn't on Facebook at all and I always feel that I have to confess when I put pictures of him on in case he feels I'm invading his privacy Grin (He actually doesn't care at all)

Tara336 · 04/06/2018 14:35

Why does everyone worry about Facebook so much? Surely it’s what happens in the real world that matters? I hardly post anything about my OH on my Facebook. I might share a funny meme or maybe a photo very very occasionally. We are happy and have no issues, we just are secure enough to not mae a public fuss. It’s usuallly the insecure that insist there OH posts stuff publicly

bushtailadventures · 04/06/2018 14:42

I've been with my DP for over 30 years, if you looked at my fb you would find barely a mention of him, but I love him as much now as I did in the beginning. I have a friend who posts endlessly about how much she loves her DH, how amazing he is, etc, but if you knew them in real life, they don't actually seem to like each other much at all.

I would take any gushing posts with a pinch of salt, tbh, it's what happens in real life that is important.

Cliveybaby · 04/06/2018 14:42

I always feel it's a bit cringe when people do that tbh... like an online PDA!

ravenmum · 04/06/2018 14:58

I only ever put a pic of one bf on FB once, for no other purpose than for word to trickle through to my exh that I had a picture of me on FB looking happy with a man :D

PebbleTissueScissors · 04/06/2018 15:01

So I have never been treated badly by a partner other than one from a long time ago now.
I am not at all social media orientated, I never actively take part in social media other than looking for advice on here really.

I think the 'problem' in your original post actually isn't a problem at all then. Sounds like you are worrying about nothing. People's use of social media very much depends on them and their circle and what they want to achieve.

If a man's gf is super active on social media, he may feel he needs to reciprocate. mostly all that is posturing about how 'fake' great people's lives are anyway.

I realised that my previous post to you about self-esteem was badly worded. I did 100% NOT mean 'bf's not mentioning you on social media is them treating you badly. do you attract this kind of bad treatment' - because I don't think not mentioning someone is actually bad treatment anyway and also that has a shred of victim blaming in it anyway.

What I meant was are you elevating this to a bigger problem because outside of this, you are being treated like you aren't valued/showed off? But you've answered the question anyway.

Just wanted to clarify because re-reading my post I thought it read with a bad meaning.

SoapOnARoap · 04/06/2018 15:23

I think the greater number of Facebook posts, the needier & fragile the relationship based on my timeline. The solid ones don’t tend to post, the needy & ones looking for constant validation are all over it. They must be such hard work

RainySeptember · 04/06/2018 16:09

Please try to stop worrying op. Either those women asked for soppy gushing public posts, or the women posted such nonsense themselves so the men felt obliged to reciprocate.

Honestly, I've seen it on action. On days out a good friend will ask her dp to 'take a cute picture' and then insist he posts it on Facebook or insta. It doesn't bother me, but it is certainly fake, he definitely wouldn't do it without her applying some pressure.

Original poster
Datingdoris · 04/06/2018 17:36

Thank you so much for all of the supportive posts!

OP posts:
Roomba · 04/06/2018 17:42

My cousin's husband is constantly posting gushing FB updates about how marvellous his 'Ickle Chicken' is (I am not making this up Grin). You'd think they spent all their time walking hand in hand through rose gardens while people threw confetti over them and wept at how much they adored each other... In reality they fight like cat and dog constantly, she is mega jealous and screams at him every time he has to work overnight, he says she is 'mental' and storms off to the pub regularly to escape arguments (when he's not smashing ornaments or slamming doors) and the neighbours have called police over their rows.

mogratpineapple · 04/06/2018 20:50

Out of the couples friends we have, the ones with issues are the ones who post OTT/soppy posts. I wonder who it's actually for. I don't need to wish my OH a happy valentines/say how much I love him etc because he is in the same house as me. Seriously seems like validation to me. And it doesn't impress me at all. These partners you refer to are PAST partners. Don't worry xx

funnylittlefloozie · 04/06/2018 23:11

I kind of get it, OP. My head says, gushy SM posts are rubbish, good relationships don't need that sort of thing, etc...but my heart says, i wish someone would say those things about ME, and say them publically.

Mintychoc1 · 05/06/2018 00:10

A friend of mine was relentlessly soppy to his wife on Facebook, right up to the week before he left her for another woman! He says he’s blissfully happy with his soulmate now, but strangely he isn’t soppy on facebook at all. I guess in his first marriage he maybe had to talk himself into the happiness.

Battleax · 05/06/2018 00:12

Interesting fact: quite often the gushy posts are written by the women themselves. Honestly.

Heh. I can believe that Grin

OP maybe these men are weak-kneed with relief that you’re a proper adult who doesn’t need to perform your relationships all across SM?

Ariela · 05/06/2018 00:55

Why do you want to be mentioned on social media? Vast majority of what folk write is bullshit.
You are best off out of it IMO!

cakecakecheese · 05/06/2018 06:49

A friend of mine was relentlessly soppy to his wife on Facebook, right up to the week before he left her for another woman! He says he’s blissfully happy with his soulmate now, but strangely he isn’t soppy on facebook at all. I guess in his first marriage he maybe had to talk himself into the happiness.

This is a good point. I know a couple who are constantly posting gushy stuff on Facebook about each other. It's all for show, he's been having affairs and she writes his posts for him as he is severely dyslexic and wouldn't be able to do it himself.

MinaPaws · 05/06/2018 07:39

An ex of mine gushes about his wife on social media all the time. And all their female clients (they run a wellbeing/dance centre) gush around him when he gushes about her. I can't help wondering how many of them he's tried to sleep with. I know him well and he's a serial adulterer who also used to frequent prostitutes for decades. He does not respect women at all, unless he's had a brain transplant.

NordicNobody · 05/06/2018 10:56

Allllll the people I know who do this are in terrible relationships. I know 2 women who posted gushing "so lucky to have you" posts in Facebook whilst private messaging me to say they'd just broken up! It was bonkers! And another women's husband always fb gushes about how much he loves her but it's all a ploy to seem like husband of the year as part of a very extreme campaign of abuse and gaslighting that he has going on. Every time she tries to leave him more fb gushing appears and no one believes her about the abuse. Then she stops believing it herself and stays. One time she put up a gushing fb status of her own about him and I messaged her to ask if everything was OK because it was out of the ordinary for her. She said that he had sat next to her dictating the gushy status and forced her to post it so everyone would know what a great husband he was.

My ex used to fb gush about how excited he was to see me and I was always really confused because he never made any bloody effort to see me whatsoever and was always cold and distant when he did. We'd sit in silence having a miserable evening then I'd check fb and see myself tagged in a post about how much fun we were having! We went on holiday together and broke up half way through it, but for the rest of the holiday days after we'd broken up he was still gushing on fb about our awesome romantic holiday.

Bottom line, fb gushing is weird, embarrassing, and almost always inversely correlated to how good the relationship is!

Wildlingofthewest · 05/06/2018 11:00

Turn off Facebook.
Forget about ex partners.
Go out and live your life.
The stuff that people post on social media is all for the benefit of others.

Notonyournellly · 05/06/2018 11:10

You probably know this really, but most of that sort of posting is done for show and is a sign of insecurity. DD's ex boyfriend used to criticise her for not taking enough flattering photos of him, and not gushing about him on social media like other girls did with their boyfriends. She really loved him and was always very loving and affectionate when they were together so was gobsmacked that that wasn't good enough for him.
She eventually dumped him when she realised he cared more about appearances than he did about her as a person.

Swipe left for the next trending thread