My marriage is over

[LetMeGo66]

I’m absolutely gutted. Together 8 years and married 4 years. 2 kids. I don’t even know how we’re going to tell the kids it’s going to break their hearts.
Deep down I know this is the right decision as we have issues that we just haven’t been able to resolve. But I love him so much, the thought of him meeting another woman is killing me. I never thought this would happen.

Please spam me with happy divorce stories where you were gutted but ended up happy.

Following as I am also in a similar position. Split from partner very recently. My decision as he was emotionally abusive and I was so worn down. I still love him and this idea of being a single parent is so scary especially if they also move on as you say. He's asking for me back making all the empty promises Iv heard lots of times before.

Hopefully it will get better as time goes on and the bad days will get less and less. Break ups are probably the hardest thing ever.

Think forward 10 years if you don’t separate and continue as you are in a relationship that’s not right.
I wish I had a time machine back then.
Now think forward to the life you want, make mood aspiration boards notes journals whatever and build the life you’ve always dreamed of. Be prepared for some rocky, lonely moments but always stick by your reasons and trust your decisions

Thank you both.

Breakups are horrible, it was a mutual decision and I do feel a sense of relief but it’s just the thought of him moving on and finding someone better than me. Maybe that’s just my insecurities though.

We’ve agreed maintenance and contact with the kids, we want to keep it civil but things never stay civil do they when emotions are in the way.

It’s like he was only ever happy if I kept my mouth shut about what was bothering me. The moment I brought up an issue I wanted to resolve I was a “nag” or I was “attacking” him. I don’t want to be with someone so incapable for working on issues together but this still really hurts.

YES day dreamer I’ve heard all the empty promises too of change but nothing ever changed which is why I’m now in this situation. I just got to a point where I didn’t believe a word he said because it was just words and no action.

I'm sorry but don't know any truly happy stories. Usually challenges around money, childcare and difficulty meeting new people for relationships as online dating is apparently rubbish. However it is still better than having stayed with their ex!!

I'm a happy story twice over. I divorced my emotionally abusive husband and although I subsequently met an even more emotionally abusive cocklodger, (and I thought he was my soul mate - which looks ridiculous now but I really did) I'm now happy happy happy alone
I have three teenage boys, their dad loves them but is not a parent at all, and I work full time. Its busy, and hard sometimes but home is a SAFE place and that is priceless

I'm following too. together for 7 years, married for 5, 2 children 6&5. sitting crying, again. i just want someone to tell me that life will get better and that I will get through it. I'm not sure I will ever get over the sense of failure that I currently have, or the guilt that I have about splitting up our family. But I just can't go on like this. A bit like letmego66, there is stuff that just can't be resolved but unlike you I'm not sure how much I love him anymore and if he met anyone else i'd just want to wish them the very best of luck, as they'll certainly need it. I never want to go on another date ever again. I just want a quiet conflict free home. and to stop crying.

I'm in a similar situation but a few months down the road and one DC. The thing that has helped me most is knowing that recovery and moving on is a process of waves, NOT linear. There will be good days and bad, and you just need to ride out the bad ones in the knowledge that they will slowly become fewer and further between over the next year or two. Allow yourself to grieve and see if maybe you can privately celebrate the good times you shared and the joy of your kids. Journaling has helped me a lot too.

THANks for all your responses it helps to know I’m not alone.

I’ve felt strong all day but I’m crying my heart out tonight. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend, I know it’s the only way this could have gone but he was always there for me, he was the person I told everything to and I love our little family, I can’t believe how hard this is.

I feel like I need closure? I need to know why he has let it get to the stage of feeling like I nag him about our issues rather than just solving the issues the first time I brought them up, it doesn’t make sense to me.

I hope your ok, nothing wrong with having a good cry. When did his behaviour start to change?

Following too. I know my marriage is over, but making the jump is scary.

I’m not sleeping properly due to worrying about t all, it’s horrible. I hope you’re ok x

Hope you're ok, OP. I'm sitting here wondering at what point do couples decide to call it a day? X

ITs been going on for years, but I’ve always told myself we love each other, we’re just different people but we make it work. But I got to the point where I felt like why am I putting up with this? So I’d raise things I wasn’t happy with but he’d turn it round on me and say I was attacking him and that I want him to change everything about himself which wasn’t true at all. So I imagined my future of not being 100% happy and I didn’t like it. But now it’s over and I’m doing the classic of only remembering the good things and wishing he was here. I hope this passes soon I can’t take it.

Let me go - I don’t mean offence by this - but you don’t really sound like you actually want to end your marriage - you sound more like you want a solution to the issues in your marriage and have tried so hard, can’t find them so think divorce is the only way. But you sound still in love with him?!!
What does he want?
Have you tried counselling? Alone or together it can work wonders.

No offence taken I probably sound like I’m all over the place. I deeply deeply love him despite our problems and I would be more than happy to work on things, but he’s had that choice, I’ve told him over and over what I want to work on and he does nothing to put things right. So I’m at the point of yes I love him but it’s not working right now so things can’t go on as they are, I think when I initially said to him I think we should split up then if your not willing to make changes I wanted him to crap his pants and fight for us but he just didn’t. He’s too stubborn and can’t accept when he’s at fault.

He won’t do counselling I’ve asked him before.

You can go to counselling on your own. I did it helped.

I was with my ex husband from age 14. Married at 21, had 2 children along the way. We were so close (probably because we'd grown up together too). One day out of the blue, and I mean completely out of the blue, he told me he was no longer happy. There were no real arguments, possibly we just grew apart, but I knew someone else must have been involved, no matter how much he denied it. We'd been married 15 years at that point and the girls were 10 and 5. I honestly thought the world had ended, life without him seemed unfathomable, he'd always been in my life and I'd never known any different. I couldn't begin to think how I'd cope with the children and working full time in a very demanding job.......Fast forward 2 years and I met someone else, we've been together 3 years now and are engaged. My ex and I managed to keep it amicable bar the odd argument, but we both agreed we didn't want to end up hating each other as we'd been together for so long and for the kids sakes aswell. So 5 years on, we get on really well still, he also gets on ok with my fiance, which means they can both be there for kids birthdays etc, he's always continued to help out with the children and I've never made contact difficult so it's worked out ok.

I'm only saying all this because you wanted to hear happy stories, and to show you that from someone who thought I'd never be happy again, that (cliche though this is) time does heal.

Best of luck, take it one hour, one day, one month at a time and you'll get there

Op, I recommend reading Too Good To Leave Too Bad To Stay, and I am planning to read 'how to fix your marriage without talking about it' as a recovery plan and a way of thinking about future relationships. Also check out You Must Be This Tall, a blogger who is a divorced guy reflecting on his mistakes. I really found it very very helpful. It's too late for me to share it with my ex but perhaps he would have seen himself in a different way.

I am happier out of my marriage than I was in it. Admittedly I had emotionally disengaged by the time it came to the crunch, so the end was a relief.

I have never regretted ending it for a moment or wished him back. I love having control over my own life and money and the peace of not having him sabotaging everything. And not having the same arguments and him making promises he'd never keep and knowing we were just going round in circles, never changing our pattern to the point there was no point in talking about it anymore. And I love not having to listen to him anymore .

Thank you all.

Booboo24 that’s exactly how I feel, and I can’t understand why when I know myself this is for the best, I wasn’t even happy with him!!

Thank you for the book recommendation I’ll definitely be taking a look, I’ll do anything to help.

Past few days have been a blur, I’m just crying all the time my eyes are so swollen. Torturing myself with things like what a perfect woman he will marry next and have babies with.

I think if I knew he was hurting too I’d not feel as bad but he’s giving nothing away.

Morning Letmego,

I understand how you feel, I’ve been through a roller coaster of emotions this past year too. But bit by bit I’m moving forward. I went abroad for the first time ever I wasn’t allowed before as XH wouldn’t fly and he wouldn’t let me go without him.
Anyhow what have you got planned today to move forward. Have you looked into opening a bank account?

Let- but he's going to get together with that 'perfect woman' still with all his imperfections and problems. He doesn't want to work on them with you, he won't want to work on them with her either. So he'll either meet a woman who's meek and never asks him for anything, who does it all for him and doesn't really converse, or he'll hop from woman to woman always looking for someone perfect.

He will take himself with him wherever he goes. He thinks he's perfect and doesn't have to change.

I've been divorced three times. Second time it left me with five kids under ten. I'm now single, kids are all happy healthy and successful and have grown up and left home - and my life is fabulous.

You will survive and thrive.

I feel the same way OP and agree with Zaphod. He's going to go have the additional kids he didn't really want with me with some beautiful compliant young thing who will just meekly endure his rubbish. And he'll just forget about me and dd. But you know what? I am well shot and she is welcome to him. I am chucking myself at all the things I really love that he would never engage with, and I am absolutely hacking this single mom thing like a boss, and so will you. Big hug!!!!

I try tell myself he would just be the same person with someone else but he will make an effort because it’s new and he will want to impress her.

I had a positive day yesterday, it’s just the evenings I get so lonely once the kids are in bed. Going to keep visit family this weekend while he has the kids so I’m looking forward to on that, also arranged my driving lessons for a few weeks time, determined to pass I’ll have so much more freedom