Can anyone tell me how they improved their life/bounced back from negative times?

[Tenpenny]

Been on my own for 2 years with young dd, spent the first 18 months getting through exdh's cruel behaviour towards me/making sure dd was emotionally okay/making sure i was financially okay/generally just going through the motions tbh.
Since the very end of last year/start of this one the dust had settled, and I started to think about me. I realised I had no friends (i have one, but i feel like i don't connect with her really now), no real interests.. Ive let myself go physically a bit but cant bring myself to care much. I dont value myself, i dont trust people and i dont know how to "start again". All i know is im getting older, i look at younger people in their twenties and envy them so much

Has anyone else ever been through this? How did you come out the other side?

I want friends, fun, to be amongst different people and eventually a good partner who loves me. I don't know how to get out of my head/crippling self esteem and trust issues!

Bump...?

Hopeful bump for you

I just worry because i see on Facebook people with their families with the caption, "me and my faves" and i dont think i will ever have that. I don't feel as close to my parents as they think i am. Sometimes i wish i could get on a plane to fly away from it all, but i would still be me - just in a different location!

Make a plan.

List the things you want to change about your life over the next 12 months. Buy a very nice notebook to make your plans so you can log your progress and see how far you've come.

Don't tackle it all at once. Pick a priority area. If that's better self care, weight loss, focus on that to start. Then once you have that as a routine, work on the others.

Maybe see if you can get some counselling.

I had a horrendous time about 6 years ago. Making a plan and taking action got me through it. Baby steps of an inch to start with. Force yourself up and along. But be kind to yourself. Getting where you Are is a massive achievement. Practice gratitude for what you have right now and decide where you want to build next.

Good luck to you.

Thanks Xiola! I have kind of already made lists, but the fears and insecurities I have take over. I have already had counseling
Im the only one who can change anything, arent i.

Yes that's true. But very rewarding when you see progress.

You make the changes but it's you that gets to enjoy and benefit from the fruits of your labours.

It may be hard to start with. But nothing good comes easy.

I hope it works out for you. Am sure others will be along with more help and advice.

Counselling
Unfollowing all but close friends and family on FB (constantly viewing acquaintances fabricated happiness on FB is utterly soul destroying during a bad patch)

I wrote a simple gratitude diary every day. Three things I’m Grateful for, three things I did for others and three things I did for me (some days it was “made myself a second coffee” “had a bath” etc)

Take a decent multivitamin and try and get 8 hours sleep a night. For a while I went to bed at the same time as my then small DC to try and get as much sleep as possible - oh and cut out any alcohol for a month or so. That made a big difference (even as just a weekend drinker)

Exercise where possible... great for confidence boosting and there’s loads of great workout you can do at home when the kids are in bed....

Alcohol, fatigue and FB are all destroy your natural resilience.

It took me 6 months to turn it round. Don’t rush into trying to meet someone. The friends thing will come naturally i’m sure but it sounds as if your self confidence could do with a bit of a boost before entering into another relationship.

Best wishes.....

I'm so sorry to hear your in this situation. I am in the same situation myself(had a tough few years) and it sucks! Most of the time I'm fine and too busy to care, too busy with dc but there are extremely lonely moments.
I long for a good friend to connect with, someone who shares the same humour, morals and outlook as I do. It's hard for me to meet people as I'm very committed to my dc and don't have help, I'm not on social media and even if I was I find it very false.
I did have friends (or so I thought) but once the drama of the ex abusing me calmed down my friends went quiet too.
It was always me going out of my way to make time for those people and I decided to drop back and see if they would make the effort and it has proven exactly how little I mean to them.
However, I'm grateful that I don't have any users in my life now, even if that means loneliness.
All I can say is that we have to weather the storm and endure, things will hopefully change for the better in time. Good luck

Take baby steps. And implement them. If you set a massive goal you’re likely to feel like you’re failing rather than setting little steps that are quickly accomplishable.

Whether that be will walk to park with dd and will speak with one parent whilst there.

I’m almost 30- 5 years Ago my Mum Had passed my marriage was in process of divorce I was homeless and my son had been placed for adoption. 5 years on I’m in private rented, working a job I love, have a good strong support network and have no regrets of leaving my exhusband. All the trauma he caused has been dealt with including hours of surgery to fix a broken collar bone that never was given chance to heal.

I set little steps. Starting with counselling n then voluntary part time Work onto an internship full time and now I love how far I’ve come. I’ve still not finished my journey but it feels so good to look back and realise how positive my life is now. 5 years ago I had nothing to live for now I have plenty.

Thanks all for such positive encouragement.

I definitely have low self confidence, i tend to hide away at home because i feel like im too ugly to go out sometimes.

Even though the trauma with my ex has kind of ended, i still feel anxious before he brings dd back home. I still feel like im ugly and that ppl secretly laugh at me when i go to work, i still feel that im kind of worthless on some level.
I dont know that this ever really leaves you when its been your state of mind for years..?

Counselling yes.
Andyou also start treating yourself like you would advise a friend
You stop criticising yourself all the time and be kind with yourself instead.
You do things fur yourself, things you enjoy. Things that make you laugh, that make you happy.
You look after your diet and your sleep.
You start doing things out if your comfort zone, meet new people etc...
And you remember that whatever your ex said is just HIS view. And you know his views are wrong.
Of course you can change the way you look st yourself. If you change from behind g selfco fident to feeling worthless then you can change from feeling worthless to feeling super confident again!!

Thank you.X

It is definitely time to find some kind people out there.

Look into mindfulness & meditation. They will help you to clear your head, keep calm & develop self-compassion. Your local Buddhist centre will probably offer free courses, or you could download the Headspace or Calm app, or check out 100s of videos on YouTube. You will go from strength to strength x

Great suggestions here OP. Be good to yourself and I hope things take off for you.

Been there op.

What worked for me is this:

Make a list of things I wanted to do or try, big and small.

For things I couldn't face doing immediately, I broke them down to steps. Baby steps really.

For example I wanted to start making art. My ex hated me doing anything for myself and I'd told.myself all sorts of lies about why I wasn't doing anything creative - because for years I'd been trying to ignore that my ex was the issue, so I had internal dialogue like "well you'll embarrass yourself by trying" "you're thick" etc. So normal steps seemed really terrifying tbh. Had to be baby steps.

1. Write down favourite colours.
2. Go to art shop and look at available colours with prices. Bring a coffee so I have something to do with my hands.
3. Set budget for paints based on price info.
4. Save money for budget amount.
5. Draw cash for amount.
6. Go back to art shop...

Etc.

Eventually I got to the point where I had canvases and paint and brushes. Then the steps were things like - paint a whole canvas with my favourite colour.

Whenever I had a conversation with someone and they asked what I'd been up to on the weekend, I'd mention painting, and let them assume that I was amazing and interesting and over time, I became interesting, both to myself and others.

Find your baby steps and start taking them.

You will get there x it's ok to feel terrified, insecure, etc. The secret is to feel the fear and do it anyway.

Thanks again all. I'm about to sit down and make another list. My last one was a year ago and i wasnt in the right frame of mind at all, now that i think about it.

Good luck with your list op.

I made mine a year ago and set myself little interim goals along the way.

I started off with a big declutter of my home. I don't know why but I always do it in times of stress! It took a full month of weekends to do it properly, with some redecorating too.

Once I had a lovely clean, calm zen-like home I started properly taking care of myself - exercising, losing weight, grooming.

Once I was on my way to my goal weight I bought some new clothes and forced myself to join some clubs, and apply for a new job.

All of this is boring, your priorities will be quite different, but it really is about tiny steps towards an ultimate goal and I don't recognise the person I was a year ago.

It's hard when you've been in an abusive relationship, to value yourself, but - as you say - no one else is going to come and do it for you.

I have had a bit of change of career / life this year, and have really found out who my real friends are (can count them on one hand)... a lot were hangers on that took, but didn't give. I have been left out of stuff a lot (I'm an older working mum of 42, so I don't fit into traditional categories). I think we regularly need to invent ourselves Hugs and good luck x

downbutnotout ive just been thinking about how im not "in with the in crowd" at work or with people i know outside of it, there's a lot of trying to impress/sucking up to people going on and i just dont know how people inspire this sort of behaviour

I cant remember what its like to have a good friend who youre on the same wavelength with

Tenpenny

What kind of music do boulders like?

Rock and Roll

That's my terrible joke for today

You will get through this. I don't have a lot of your history and I'm trying to make friends again.

Tiny tiny baby steps. Making a coffee and sitting down with a biscuit on a plate. Taking an extra walk round the block for the fresh air and a few more steps.

Make a plan as others have said. Use social media for good - exercise at home, classes for when your DD is with someone else, learning a new skill or volunteering.

It's hard but doable.

Do you have a WI locally? Mine is a bunch of ladies 30-40 years my senior and I have never met a nicer bunch of crazy old ducks. They make my hour of bad (for me) crafting so much fun when I can make it x

Tenpenny you sound so sad. I was you 3 years or so ago (except a few years older). I've done similar things to the other posters.

The biggest step change for me was discovering yoga, and I'm still learning new things, physically changing and setting myself new challenges. I go to classes when dd is with her dad, or get my mat out when she's in bed with YouTube tutorials.

I've also been keeping a gratitude journal. I bought myself recently a pretty book and now have little challenges/reminders on one page (like eat healthily, be kind to myself, walk 10,000 paces per day) and then gratitudes on the other.

Finally I watch good quality drama on tv and don't have Facebook at all any more. It helps.

In time I've also learned new habits- I eat better, sleep, generally am healthier and am quite conscious with the decisions that I make about meals and bedtime.

I can't pinpoint one thing that has but a difference but think overall I am much happier, and more recently have found it easier to make new friends and catch up with old ones. It took a really long time and the changes have been gradual rather than all once.

box that was random
Im still working up to joining some sort of club, just figuring out what id actually want to do.
tomato i think at this point im only keeping Facebook for its access to a very convenient group to do with dd's schooling, i hide and unfollow a lot. I do have a deep sadness and have for a while, i am tired of my life and would start it all over again in another country if it wasn't for dd. Im just existing for her sake really. I have definately taken everything suggested to me in this thread on board.

Tenpenny - sometimes random helps. I make my Alexa tell me a joke every so often to cheer me up.

It breaks up the thought process in my head.

You are posting on this board and people are looking out for you. You can get through this and you will come out the other end. My DDs kept me sane and kept me here. Life would be so different without them as my anchor x