FWB or More?? What's your thoughts

[CouplingOrNot]

So I've been seeing a guy since before Christmas on and off. He lives an hour and half away so was difficult to see / date.

Over the past couple of months we've got into the habit of speaking via phone upto 3 times a day...first thing in morning, some point mid day and before going to sleep.

He's also making the journey to come and see me once a fortnightish.

After the last time we agreed the distance was too much but still seeing each other, I said No sex until we figure things out. So he's not coming all this way for sex. He does stay in my bed and we cuddle (my children are grown and have their own lives).

I've been leaving the ball in his court, so he's the one who is initiating phone calls and asking to see me.

He's coming over tomorrow and I'm looking forward to seeing him. I tried to speak to him about 'what it is were doing' and he says 'he doesn't know', that he's attached to me, loves me and that's all he knows.

It feels too casual to be serious...as in the distance means seeing each other difficult. But at the same time it feels entangled / serious enough to care about each other. I think I love him too.

I could go and see him so we see each other more and initiate phone calls but it's the thought that I've slipped into a friends with benefits situation...even though there's no sex.

I should say there's lots of affection and kissing

What's anyone's thoughts??

He's a bit lame just saying 'don't know' but three calls a day is loads so you're obviously both into each other.

Long distance relationships can work, I presume you're both considering or already are completely monogamous with each other.

Do you want a LDR? Does he? It sounds like more than FWB anyway.

Well clearly it's not a FWB situation if you haven't actually DTD and have got this far.
It's been 6 months and though you might be very taken with each other it's still very much a weird dynamic between you both - declarations of love, on and off...

I think you need to have a proper talk; what you both want, where you both are and so forth. Distance can be a real deal-breaker especially in the early days but you're both 6 months in and presumably of an age where you know what is what (you mention having grown up children).

What's with all the hand-sitting? Is he seeing other people too, are you?

It's all a bit cloaks and daggers. I think you should both wind in the 'in-love' talk as you sound more like teens in the throws of lust than two adults working together to see figure things out.

We're not seeing other people. We were sleeping together, sex was fab but we slept together after we called it a day due to the distance. It messed with my head and that's when I stopped initiating contact.

It was he who said the distance was too much but I agreed and do agree. I expected things would fizzle out and he'd stop ringing but he didn't. I told him that I didn't see the point in speaking so much if we weren't actually seeing each other (as in the same room) so he started to travel over

I think.

I'm concerned he's coming over in the hope for sex only. I'm just a bit confused about it all as I'm sure you can tell.

I think he's a great guy, I really enjoy his company. I'd like it to continue but I don't know to what end.

I don't think I mind a LDR, just not sure what it looks like and how they work as in the practicalities

So, hang on a sec, just so I’ve got this clear. You started dating and were sleeping together. Then he said the distance was too much so you stopped sleeping with him. But he stayed in touch and is still seeing you and hanging out. So you’re trying to work out how to handle it from now on ? Is that right ?

Was there something in particular which made him say the distance was too much ? Was he saying he didn’t want to commit ?

Jenny Sort of yes.
Started dating but it was tricky to navigate with work for both of us. By the time I finish work, I'd get over to his about 7:30 at night. He works 12 hour shifts x 5 days a week. He said he found he was exhausted working and then one day every other week traveling over...that it stuffed him up for the week. I was traveling over to him alternate weeks.** He didn't think it was realistic

But he kept ringing after we stopped things and after speaking with him, he started asking to see me.

I find its tricky to find people you click with and enjoy each other's company like we seem to do. Why I'm loathe to stop things.

So yes, guess I'm wondering how to handle things or if there's a thing to handle

Maybe you need to have an honest conversation with him. “You said the distance was too much for you and yet you’re still wanting to see me - can we be clear here? Are we dating or is this a friendship now?”
Email or text him if you don’t feel confident saying it to him on the phone or face to face.

He's saying that a 90 minute drive one day, a rest and then a 90 minute drive home the next day "stuffs him up for the week" ?? how old is he, 90?

This is a very odd situation and I say that as someone who's been in a few odd situations over my lifetime.

Jenny taken your advice and messaged him. His reply was 'I seriously don't know'
Not replied as yet. It's late, might just take some time out. Get my head straight. I'm just cautious that I might be being cynical

Literary it is a bit odd isn't it lol Crap.
When I was younger, I thought things would get simpler. But as I've got older...decent available men are few on the ground. There's loads of numptys.

Not sure if he's in the numpty category or not. I don't get that vibe but then I don't understand the current status quo

Well this is just me but my reply to “I seriously don’t know” would be “I was enjoying our relationship, you are a lovely person, so get back in touch with me when you have made up your mind”.
But then I don’t tolerate being messed around and at the moment whether he intends to or not, he is leaving you hanging ! I’d prepare yourself mentally to move on I’m afraid.

Don’t message him back til tomorrow though ! At the earliest.

I think you're wasting your time with him tbh. "I don't know" is annoying as a teenager nevermind as a grown man who should have his shit together.
Don't be a booty call. Insist on proper dates if you want to continue seeing him.
Something sounds off with this though and your gut is telling you the same. Listen to it.

How old are you both OP?

OP - you don’t mention anything about weekends?
Why is all this traveling happening during the week?

Literary he's 47, soon to be 48 and I'm 43. You may be right. I've lost my perspective on what's normal these days lol

Mmmom he's a head chef, the weekends/bank holidays are busiest times. He does take weekends off occasionally but when trade is expected to be quiet

Jenny I left it last night and then he rang after 11pm. He's coming Monday and were going to talk

Well as someone who's slightly younger and has been doing the dating thing for a while after a divorce then I can assure you you are wasting your time with this guy. He's 47 ffs not a teenager! Find yourself an actual man, not a manchild who can't cope with driving for 90 minutes and doesn't know what he wants. Well he does know, he wants a shag and for you to be far enough away that you don't know what else he's up to. Sorry.

I'd bet that he's stringing you along. Sorry.

Hmmm cheffing is a tiring job with long hours so I can see why he isn’t keen on the driving on days off. Do you ever go see him or is he always the one doing the travelling ?

Jenny it is tiring....it's not just the being in his feet all day but the heat of the kitchen that wipes him out and the very early morning deliveries. He lives on site.

I did travel to him before he stopped things. He'd travel one week, then I would do the next and so on.

After he stopped things I said I couldn't put my energy into heading over to him and if wanted to see me that much, then he'd have to come to me. And I'm surprised that he has and kept up with it

I don't mind the traveling if it was something a little more serious

Literary and Nice, thanks for your perspective. That's what runs through my head but then why all the effort. Or is it a guy thing - liking the chase but not the end destination, do you think?

Yep, exactly that!

He does known what he wants (clue, he’s already doing it and it’s called the status quo) but he knows that you’re not satisfied and hopes that the longer longer he continues to ‘not know’, the sooner you’ll get bored of questioning it.

Agent when you say get bored of asking and accept the status quo, do you mean basically wearing me down?

I kind of get that, but why all the effort. Do you think it'll just stop or dwindle off at some point?

It's a lot of effort to go to, for sex. Which after reading everyone's responses, will most Definately not be happening. It messed with my head that last time and I can't go there again with him. It would make for rubbish sex and too much turmoil after.