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Original poster

I thought we were special

32 replies

Toolip · 02/06/2018 01:41

Name change for this.

Married for 25 years to a loving, generous attentive husband, I thought I was so lucky. We got past an affair (his) in early part of our marriage and with counselling and effort from us both have built a strong marriage.

Except I have just discovered it is built on a web of lies. He is now admitting to two more 'flings' with colleagues whilst our children were small. I had huge issues rebuilding the trust, but we got there. I thought we were solid. Now my heart is breaking again and I don't know what to do, or how to keep breathing. I love him so much. And hate him even more.....

OP posts:
Whattheactualfuckmate · 02/06/2018 01:44

Shit that’s really bad.

Dig deep love. Your s lot stronger than you think Flowers

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 02/06/2018 01:46

How old are you children now, you say the affairs were when they where small. Not excusing, but how have things been in recent years?

aproblemsharedandallthat · 02/06/2018 01:48

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this pain. This is something I wouldn't be able to get over the first time, never mind a second and a third. Trust is a dealbreaker for me. Sorry, that's probably not helpful but I didn't want to read and run. Hopefully someone will see and respond soon to help you through this.

Did he admit this of his own will or did you find something out?

Thanks
Original poster
Toolip · 02/06/2018 01:54

Children now Uni age. Recent years have been testing at times with health, work, family issues. Everyday day stuff has caused arguements, the bigger stuff we have pulled together and been a team. Except for money, he is appalling with it, and has loan debt he had hidden from me. Recent disagreements about money led to an argument where I told him he had to be honest with me if we were going to keep moving on together. Put on the spot he admitted to a one night stand, and a 'dalliance' lasting a couple of weeks. He is adamant they were not affairs, that he was young, foolish and flattered. And there has only been me for 20 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toolip · 02/06/2018 01:57

Can trust be rebuilt, a second time? It was so hard the first. My heart is breaking.

OP posts:
CazzieCatsRock · 02/06/2018 02:00

Oh gosh, you poor lady! Flowers But how have you even found out about these latest hideous revelations after such a long time?

CantankerousCamel · 02/06/2018 02:02

I am wondering his reasons for telling you now about issues 20 years ago despite all the water under the bridge already.

Sounds like he is feeling guilty about something more recent

CazzieCatsRock · 02/06/2018 02:02

Sorry Toolip - we x-posted.

Original poster
Toolip · 02/06/2018 02:09

I had suspicions at the time which were robustly denied. As years clocked up and we built a good marriage I buried those suspicions deeply and began to trust again. Having discovered a loan he took out without telling me, I told him I could not live with a man I didn't trust. That unless I had full truth about all financial and fidelity issues I was leaving right then. I forced him to tell me.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 02/06/2018 02:22

Sorry to say this but I doubt that this is the full exent of it.

He has admitted to something he knows you have had suspicions about, but I would bet a years mortgage money on there being other "flings" you didnt question him about at the time. Got better at hiding his tracks maybe....?

No, I dont think you can come back from this. But if you want to find out more I would start with "But thats not all of it, is it? I had hoped you would be 100% honest wtih me, given how much I know, but it seems you cant even do that" and then see what happens. My money is on him digging and digging in a desperate attempt to find out exactly how much you know.

Fedupdogandkids · 02/06/2018 02:24

I don't know if this is what you want to hear, but if your kids are at uni and he is a dog, you can do this on your own. It's so scary (and sad) but ultimately happier for you. The only other option is to accept it and by doing that you condone it. I really feel for you. Had it happen to me but luckily not with kids. Felt like I wanted to throw up for about 2 months but after about a year I realised one day that I was fine and a few years later met the 'man of my dreams'... we'll see about this one! At the end of the day you are you and you are awesome regardless. xxx

AjasLipstick · 02/06/2018 02:30

From an outside perspective, it seems to me as though he was trying to "start over" by admitting these flings when you asked him to be honest from now on.

It's a very male thing to do....he's taken it literally and told you all the truth...all of it.

On the one hand, to move forward, you'd need to forgive the "past him" which might be hard....on the other hand you'd have to end the marriage because of something that's already happened.

I would be tempted to work on it because by telling you, he's sort of proved he wants to change...

RainySeptember · 02/06/2018 04:37

He sounds awful. I don't know how you can describe yourself as being lucky to have him, or attribute those adjectives to him.

So he had relationships with three other women during the early years of your relationship, when things are at their best for most couples, then had a sudden desire to turn over a new leaf and has been unfailingly faithful for twenty years? I honestly do doubt that.

He's also racked up secret debt, you argue about money and other everyday stuff, you were forced to bury your suspicions about him as he denied all accusations, and now you find out he shit all over your trust by betraying you again despite watching you work so hard to forgive him for the affair you knew about?

I don't often say this but please LTB. You deserve better. Take what you can from the marriage and be alone for now, it's better than having this entitled dickhead walk all over you.

Skiingkangaroo1 · 02/06/2018 04:52

I'm sorry OP, having cheated several times in the past I find it hard to believe he hasn't cheated at other times and more recently too. I don't understand why he's telling you now though, do you think there's an OW and he wants you to throw him out?

BeenThereDone · 02/06/2018 06:49

He is deflecting... While your now obsessed with his fidelity, it gives him time to try and sort the money issue. He's owning up to the lesser of two evils...

MarieG10 · 02/06/2018 06:53

So he is admitting to stuff when forced to? What else is he hiding?

The years since his infidelity would as you seem to be wondering help some get past it, but it isn't just the infidelity but the deceit and that includes the financial stuff. Given how long you have been with him and he is still deceiving you........ only you can decide. Do you want this again in 5 years?

Original poster
Toolip · 02/06/2018 07:37

I agree that I deserve better. It's what I would say to someone else in my position. But, to leave the man I love and built my life with is a terrifying thought. I am so unhappy, but can't believe I would be happier without him?

The debt began at a time when life was tough, everything was on his shoulders and he got into spiral of using credit cards to keep us afloat, struggling to keep up repayments.... He then took loan to cover this but kept secret. He says he didn't want me to think he is a failure. He has nothing to show for the debt, he has given access to bank account etc so I can see it was built up.when propping us up.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 02/06/2018 07:55

It’s sounds like your more worried about facing the unknown than not wanted no leave him behind. That to me suggests it’s time to call it quits. Staying for familiarity is settling. Why compromise on life like that?

RainySeptember · 02/06/2018 08:17

As someone who has done it op, I can confirm that separating is very hard and is followed by a time of sadness and loneliness. But you get through it, and feel such relief and weightlessness and pride in yourself. I'm happy now, and can't imagine going back to a life of worry and suspicion, knowing I was selling myself short and basically allowing him to treat me so disrespectfully. You only get one life op, don't you want to see what it's like to have absolute peace of mind?

Original poster
Toolip · 02/06/2018 14:22

Peace of mind? I can't imagine ever achieving that...... Our friends, family and children will be shocked if we split. We're the couple who are still head over heels, our children's friends comment how they hope to be like us one day.
How do you leave the one you love?

OP posts:
RainySeptember · 02/06/2018 14:27

By accepting that they'll never love you as you deserve to be loved.

By realising that you'll never know a moments peace if you stay, wasting even more of your one precious life.

By faking strength and dignity until you're not faking any more, one day at a time.

By not caring what anyone else thinks. He broke it, not you.

What would you say to your daughter in the future, if she was being treated this way?

category12 · 02/06/2018 14:31

I don't see how you can ever hope to trust him again after all this. And living with someone you can't trust messes with your head chronically.

Thymeout · 02/06/2018 20:06

Do you believe him when he says there's been no one but you for the past 20 years? If you do, and you love him, then you'd be turning your life upside down for something that happened when life was v different to the extent that you were both different people. 'The past is another country' etc etc.

It's all very well pp saying that you deserve better. Well, sure, most of us might think that, but it doesn't mean we'll find it.

If it had been a recent fling, I'd feel v differently. But you say you were very happy until you found out about something that happened in the early years of your marriage. It's obviously bringing up unresolved feelings from that time, but I'd think twice about throwing everything away for something that happened so long ago.

Give yourself time to think and process the new information. Perhaps see a counsellor on your own to talk about your feelings. The couples I know who are now enjoying retirement together have nearly all had a crisis some time in their marriage. There haven't been many happy ever afters for the ones who split at your stage of life. Good luck!

Blueberryjuice1 · 02/06/2018 21:48

I don’t know if this helps....I have a very good male friend. We have been friends for a decade. We occasionally have frank discussions. He once told me he had two short flings in his late 20s when travelling a lot for work. He’s in his 50s now and really loves and appreciates his wife, she is his rock. He told me once because he felt very guilty and wanted to tell his secret to someone.

Blueberryjuice1 · 02/06/2018 21:50

Ps I don’t know his wife or family.