I thought we were special

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Name change for this.

Married for 25 years to a loving, generous attentive husband, I thought I was so lucky. We got past an affair (his) in early part of our marriage and with counselling and effort from us both have built a strong marriage.

Except I have just discovered it is built on a web of lies. He is now admitting to two more 'flings' with colleagues whilst our children were small. I had huge issues rebuilding the trust, but we got there. I thought we were solid. Now my heart is breaking again and I don't know what to do, or how to keep breathing. I love him so much. And hate him even more.....

This man lies by omission for years on end, has cheated and been deceitful behind your back 3 times with other women and taken a loan out without you knowing, continuing to keep it to himself. Doesn't look good.

What more don't you know about?

Thanks to all who have commented. It is helping me start to process this. I think counselling would be a good idea whatever happens as I have suppressed feelings about this for so long.

My husband is adamant I know all there is to tell. When asked why he had never admitted this before his answer is how could he tell me something he knew would hurt me so much. There is nothing he can do to 'prove' this. Re the finances, he has given access to all accounts, cards etc including historical statements to show how the debt came about. The loan he took out to get on top of the debt, again deciding not to tell me because he knew it would piss me off.

He has a long term, entrenched habit of deceit. He styles this as not telling you things you'd be hurt to know about - he lies to "protect" you.

He's admitted the infidelities you suspected. That doesn't mean he's admitted everything.

He's denied your suspicions, watched you struggle to rebuild trust, then each time lied again.

He's a liar and thoroughly untrustworthy. That's who he is and how he has behaved repeatedly.

I went through something similar, also a long marriage. We're divorced now and the incredible relief of not living with a man who lies, cheats and deceives is wonderful. I realised our marriage was built on lies and wasn't what I thought it was at all.

I never thought I would feel this, but within 18 months I was happier than I'd ever been, alone, not because of a new man. Now I feel indifferent as to whether ex cheated.

The opposite of love. Not hate, indifference.

I would forgive the loan as it was done for the benefit of his family and not only himself. If you are aware these were difficult times then I can understand he felt there was no other option.

The flings....really difficult but relationship counselling will help you decide whether you can move forwards or not. You could go by yourself initially and then include him in the sessions. Personally, I think you can move forwards from it as long as he is now telling you everything. To blurt it all out after so many years seems to indicate some sort of guilt. He had been holding onto it and you prompting him to be honest gave him the opportunity to let it out. Counselling will also provide that opportunity.

Everything comes down to whether you are basically happy in your relationship or not. Your initial post indicates that you thought you were rock solid which feels as though you were actually content until he disclosed the flings. I think you can work through stuff that happened 20 years ago, I really do. Your marriage is not a sham. Neither is it a web of lies. 25 years is something to be proud of if you are basically happy.

for you.

I really don't like the way he minimises it .... calling one a dalliance.

It's like one man whose wife refused to label it infidelity and called it her 'restless period'.

He might have told you the whole truth... you can tell him you want a polygraph to prove there have been no others.

Oh op, I suspect you're leaning towards forgiving him (again) and continuing with your marriage, that looks so perfect to the outside observer.

I do hope he spends the rest of his life on his knees with gratitude, and that he keeps the rest of his secrets well hidden to avoid you having to suffer any more.

Fwiw he has treated you appallingly, the mother of his children, the woman who clearly worships him and will forgive him anything. You are not lucky to have him, he is disgusting, but he is lucky to have you, protecting his dirty secrets and keeping up the perfect-couple pretence. I hope you find some peace op x

He's not who you thought he was. He's lied about staying faithful three times now and has lied about money. What else has he hidden? The man you love doesn't exist. When someone tells you who they are, listen.