Is sex a deal breaker?

[Jamiem80]

In the last 5 years I've had sex with my wife three times, once in the last three years. Initially this was down to our children who are now 5 and 8. Obviously the dc are at school and almost always are at school 8-6 as I drop them off and pick them up. My wife is a SAHM though she takes part in several groups and classes. After getting home I do cook all meals, washing up, laundry, ironing and cleaning most nights I do not finish before 10pm and 5 nights a week my wife goes out too classes. The other two one is date night where I cook us a three course meal and give her a massage the other is her pamper night. We have talked about the situation recently and I suggested she reduced her classes and she could go more at home, I also mentioned sex. Her response was that I was an abusive pervert.Really not sure how to proceed I don't want to think she's wrong but I'm struggling like this.

She sounds hideous. Kick this ass clown into touch

I don’t buy it either.

So you’re saying she does nothing at all and you do everything? I suppose it’s possible but seems highly unlikely. There’s no chance you’re exaggerating, is there?

Surely this is not real. If it is grow a pair!! Bloody hell she is taking you for a ride. You need to stand up to her. How is it fair you work, do most chores and pick up/ drop off whilst she pleases herself?? As for the zero sex sorry but it sounds like she is getting it elsewhere.

Wow some pretty harsh responses op, and the pp who said its no wonder she doesnt want to have sex with you because of you 'putting up with her nonsesnse' well thats just disguating.
Ive never heard a SAHM be told on her the reason her husband doesnt want to have sex with her or is having an affair is her fault for being a good wife and mother.
Women only have to come on here and say their husband has called them fat and apparently they are married to an abusive arse or mention that he has gone out twice a week and the responses are crying she should bug his phone and track his every move as obviously he is having an affair.
I think that because people are assuming that you are a man you are getting some very uncaring unhelpful responses.
If you dont think that the op is real dont respond. I never understand why posters scream troll to someone who may just be asking for advice. If you believe that report the thread ffs.
So basically op , whether same sex relationship or a hetrosexual marriage, the requirements are the same, love respect and teamwork are a must.
Your wife is not participating in this relationship. She isnt putting you or your families needs equal with hers, not even some of the time.
If your op is accurate and truthful, which i will assume it is, why do you not think you deserve better?
When do you have your time, what do you have to look forward to? It seems to me that your wife is taking but not giving anything in return. You do deserve to be happy too and it doesnt sound like you are. I think you need to assess exactly how you would like things to change and speak to her, if her attitude didnt improve drasticly i would walk in this situation, theres no way i would stay and be treated so badly. You and your chikdren deserve better than this selfiah person in your lifes.

Banish her.

So she has the energy for 3 exercise classes but not for sex. I'd wonder if she is really going to these classes!!

If this is true, don’t you have sex on date nights? Xx

If you don't get home til 10ish, how is she doing loads of evening classes?

I wish people would read and comprehend the op.

Hey op. She’s taking the piss, mate. You know that and I dare say so does she. What you do about it is up to you, but for myself, I’d be sharing the chores for a start. How about she gets a part time job and contribute a bit too, while she’s at it. Finally, take an interest/hobby in something yourself.

As for the sex part, you know what you need to do, hey. Sit down and tell her exactly where you’re coming from.

By the way, she can cook you a three course meal next "date" night, hey?

But frankly if you are putting up with this nonsense then I'm not surprised she doesn't want to have sex with you.

I wonder if you’d say the same if the genders were reversed? Not that you’d admit it of course.

Parking up with 🍿

Wow some of you should be ashamed of yourself

If this was a woman posting but with the exact same circumstances the replies would be totally different! Nobody would be disbelieving of her, nobody would dare say “I don’t believe this, nobody would put up with that” errrr.... yes they do!!
If this was a woman and another posted did say that, they’d get shut down with “have you ever been in an abusive relationship?! It’s not that easy to just leave!!!” or “its answers like that why women don’t speak up!”

It is no different simply because it’s a man. So shame on those who have replied in that way.

OP. You deserve better. Leave her. Next time, you’re probably better off asking for help elsewhere or come on here pretending to be female because MN is incredibly sexist and as a man you will receive completely different replies than you would as a woman

Surely this is not real. If it is grow a pair!! Bloody hell she is taking you for a ride

Wow you nasty, ignorant human being

Please take this reply and post in on a thread where the poster is female and in a similar position. Would you tell a woman to grow a pair because she can’t leave an abusive relationship? Oh wait... you wouldn’t, would you? Because you are quite clearly sexist and have double standards. Absolutely disgusting

You really shouldn't put up with this, OP. Unless there's a backstory that your DW has MH issues, and even then she's taking the piss. I have MH issues and am a SAHM, but I'm coping with 2 adopted DDs with attachment issues, one of whom has serious meltdowns, because of SPD and Attachment Disorder.

And why fgs does the OP pick the DC up at 6pm? If his DW is a SAHM, she should be doing the school run, and they should be picked up after school at 3:15. It's very rare that my DH does the school run.

And my DH never cooks on a weekday and very rarely at weekends.

She's treating you very badly.

You sound like a slave and no you're not an abusive pervert

Chippy
Get real !!! There is nothing in the op to suggest there is abuse in this relationship. She is quite happy doing her thing because he says nothing. Oh and I am far from ignorant!!!!

This is Mumsnet so the op could be a woman

I wouldn't pay for after school care if my partner stayed at home all day. Why would you do that when she could go to the gym in the day time?

Fuck that for a bag o chips. You can carry on this existence OP, or have an enjoyable, normal, 2-way kind of street life. You only get one!

I've wondered about that, too, crockydoodle there has been an assumption that the OP is a man when this could well be a same sex relationship. But the OP isn't obliged to tell us. Either way, the OP's partner sounds very lazy and entitled.

At the very least, the DC should be coming home after school at 3:15 if the OP's DW doesn't have a job.

Well let's face it, she contributes nothing right?

Next time she goes to a class, organise to get the locks changed and pack all of her shit and leave it on the doorstep. Her problem after that.

Is this thread a wind up sure reads like it, hint to OP, don`t over egg it next time.

She may have just used you for your sperm or gotten married to you because all of her friends were getting married around the same time. She's not attracted to you, but stays because you financially support her lifestyle. I'm guessing she's seeing someone else romantically, like the personal trainer.

It’s not just the lack of sex that’s a deal breaker here from the sounds of it there’s a lack of respect.
Have you tried relate counselling?

I recognize the poster I think. He got a hard time last time round too.

My understanding is he would like her to have a job (above minimum wage) and he hasn't mentioned how much he earns.

Personally I'd be done. I'd have been last time though. I know here it's tolerated here but no sex for us could be a deal breaker. In fact of any of the things on your list would be enough for me. The biggest is the fact she's not working.