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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I’m obsessed with his ex

36 replies

WhoIsShe18 · 01/06/2018 08:27

When I first met my boyfriend four years ago, he was still heartbroken. They had recently split because she had wanted him to propose but he needed more time, then a few months later she left him for another man.

He was deeply regretful for dragging his feet and blamed himself for the breakup.

We became friends but nothing more because I knew he wasn’t ready to get involved again with anyone.

I had a couple of relationships in the meantime then about a year ago, we found ourselves both single (and not rebounding) at the same time for the first time. We gradually became closer and finally got together about six months ago.

The trouble is, I’m torturing myself over his ex. He was madly madly in love with her, the sort of crazy heady drug-like love that doesn’t come around that often. She was also incredibly beautiful. Not just pretty but really really beautiful. And had a sort of mysterious, angelic look about her. I’m not just building her up, she really was the kind of woman who could make grown men weep at her beauty. And she had brains too. Urgh!

I’m pretty and reasonably intelligent but definitely nowhere near her league. And I’m feeling insecure that he is settling for me because it’s the best he can do.

OP posts:
tinkerbellone · 01/06/2018 08:30

Well I’d ask him.
Straight up & honestly - if he had a chance with his ex would he want to try again.
Might ease your mind a bit if he says no.

Sametimesameplace · 01/06/2018 08:30

Why didn’t he propose then if she was so wonderful and he wanted to make her happy?

Things couldn’t have been as perfect as he/you are portraying.

Aridane · 01/06/2018 08:32

But he’s hardly going to say yes!

Sametimesameplace · 01/06/2018 08:35

Good on her too to dump him when he was wasting her time. So many threads on here about men dragging their feet and not proposing after years and years.

Sametimesameplace · 01/06/2018 08:35

Sorry that doesn’t help you but from your perspective I think you should be realistic and concentrate on how he treats you.

Pandora79 · 01/06/2018 08:38

If he was so in love with her, why didn't he propose? The old 'I am just not ready yet line is usually one trotted out by people who don't want to marry the one they are with.

You need to stop obsessing about the ex or leave him. You can't live like this l, worrying she will want him back and he will leave you.

WhoIsShe18 · 01/06/2018 08:38

@Sametimesameplace
He was going to propose but wanted to give her a ring he needed to save up for. He didn’t tell her that though and she then met someone else who she ended up married. He did everything he could to win her back and it crushed him.

@tinkerbellone We have talked about her and he says that she’s no longer the person she was when they were together so no, he wouldn’t get back together with her. But I can’t help but think that’s because he has to think that since she’s married to someone else now and repeatedly rejected his attempts to win her back.

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SoapOnARoap · 01/06/2018 09:19

I agree with Tinker

He’s with you now but, if you’re concerned, you need to tackle this head on

Changedname3456 · 01/06/2018 09:22

I think you need to factor in that the rose tinted glasses will have come off for him some time ago. He’ll be able to see the faults in her that weren’t apparent when they were together.

He’s with you - after other relationships in between - and I very much doubt he feels like he’s settling.

WhoIsShe18 · 01/06/2018 09:22

Yes, I guess so.

I think I’m afraid of being a consolation prize. He resigned himself long ago that she had gone but do you ever truly get over someone you loved that much?

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WhoIsShe18 · 01/06/2018 09:27

That’s true @Changedname3456
He has said that she was quite spoiled and could be emotionally manipulative hence why he felt he needed to give her a ring beyond what he could afford.

But he also said that when she was happy, she shone with love and light and was the most likely bing person you could imagine.

He said all this when we weren’t an item. I don’t even know if he remembers saying that to me now.

I feel like I don’t want to bring her up. I don’t want her to become a “thing” between us.

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WhoIsShe18 · 01/06/2018 09:28

Most LOVING, not likely bing! What a weird autocorrect! Hmm

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SuperSuperSuper · 01/06/2018 09:33

She may be beautiful and clever, but she must have had faults - we all do! I doubt that in his mind, she's the paragon she is in yours.

Also, if he'd truly wanted to marry her, he'd have done so. Women who want to marry men they love, aren't bothered about flashy engagement rings. If she was, then he's had a lucky escape.

Sametimesameplace · 01/06/2018 09:39

His romanticising would put me off tbh. What’s with the, she shone with love and light Confused.

WhoIsShe18 · 01/06/2018 09:40

You are right there @SuperSuperSuper

She was actually the OW to the man she left him for, then later married. The MM was heavily in debt with 4 kids to support. But, she clearly loved him in a way she didn’t the man she left him for (my boyfriend).

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WhoIsShe18 · 01/06/2018 09:41

To be fair @Sametimesameplace he did say all of those things immediately after she left him and he was heartbroken. Four or so years ago. He doesn’t speak of her like that anymore.

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Loopytiles · 01/06/2018 09:44

But he tried to win her back several years ago now? And presumably gave up, as was appropriate, she got married, he dated others and now you.

Unless his behaviour gives you reason to think he’s not that into you it’s pointless - and unhealthy - worrying.

No need to talk about her at all.

WhoIsShe18 · 01/06/2018 09:44

Actually, as I’m even talking about all of this and getting it off my chest, I’m realising I’m being a bit daft. He isn’t the one living in the past, I am.
And I need to stop worrying that she is so beautiful.

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Kaykay06 · 01/06/2018 09:47

She sounds a bit of a bitch to be honest...
You’ve got the guy now, he wants you he’s not with her and if he talks about her all love and light i’d dump him he sounds rather wet. There’s obviously more to it, he obviously felt he couldn’t tell her he couldn’t afford the ring she wanted and she was clearly not that bothered if she was off with someone else so soon.

So whatever your hang up is, get over it, live your own life with him and forget about her, what’s the point obssessing what will it achieve? Jealousy of an ex is a horrible trait my ex constantly asked about my exes and it really put me off he was incredibly narcissistic and jealous and I don’t want to be around that kind of negativity.

Your boyfriend won’t eithef if you continue getting yourself in a state about this. You’re with him, enjoy it and I bet she doesn’t give him a second thought!!!

SharpieHorder · 01/06/2018 09:53

He was to blame for the split which is why he can't resolve it and it could be that she will always be the love of his life.

You do have a choice, you don't have to settle for being second best, OP.

WhoIsShe18 · 01/06/2018 09:58

I don’t know whether she will always be the love of his life @SharpieHorder. Obviously I hope not. But it’s too early days, I think, to know where this relationship will go. There’s definitely something real and solid between us, maybe because we got to know each other as friends first. And he definitely fancies and has romantic feelings for me which I do too. I think I need to give it a bit of time before I make any drastic decisions.

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Mousefunky · 01/06/2018 10:23

He wasn’t to blame at all. She wanted a proposal and left him because he wasn’t ready to be married. It doesn’t make him a bad person to not feel ready for marriage. As it transpires, the poor sod was trying to save for a wedding ring he couldn’t afford to impress her. She may be beautiful and intelligent but she sounds demanding and superficial.

It has also been FOUR YEARS since they split which is a long time. I would be worried about someone who hadn’t moved on from a relationship in that space of time. He has undoubtedly dated and slept with others since he split from her yet you’re transfixed on her. It’s not healthy.

WhoIsShe18 · 01/06/2018 10:28

@Mousefunky
I agree with your thoughts. Except I do have to make it clear that he hardly talks about her at all, if ever really. It’s me torturing myself over conversation ms we had four years ago, shortly after she left him.

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RubySapphireEmerald · 01/06/2018 10:37

I don’t buy all that saving for the right ring crap or the love and light so beautiful people really could weep shite. They both sound like cliches and it sounds to me that he stalled and stalled thinking that he had it made and then she (quite rightly) binned him for someone who did want to commit to her. Except he’s never going to admit that is he?

I’m wondering though OP, is it really that you’re obsessed with her? Or is it that you see him as the commitment-phobe he appears to be. Is it less that you worry that he’ll want to go back to her and more that you’re worried he won’t want to commit to you in the future as he already has form for that?

WhoIsShe18 · 01/06/2018 10:47

No, I don't think so @RubySapphieEmerald. He's not a commitment phobe at all. IMO they were just mismatched which is why it didn't work out in the end but obviously he was grieving the end of the relationship and the loss of a future he'd thought they'd have (they were together 3 years).

I think the reason I'm obsessed with her is good old fashioned vanity. There, I said it. I'm not proud to admit it but it's not easy when the ex looks the way she does and with smarts too! She's the "super hot ex-girlfriend" which is a hard act to follow. But, I have to be clear that he DOES NOT make me feel that way. It is in my head. Which is why I posted this thread so that I could talk and get it off my chest.

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