I’m obsessed with his ex

[WhoIsShe18]

When I first met my boyfriend four years ago, he was still heartbroken. They had recently split because she had wanted him to propose but he needed more time, then a few months later she left him for another man.

He was deeply regretful for dragging his feet and blamed himself for the breakup.

We became friends but nothing more because I knew he wasn’t ready to get involved again with anyone.

I had a couple of relationships in the meantime then about a year ago, we found ourselves both single (and not rebounding) at the same time for the first time. We gradually became closer and finally got together about six months ago.

The trouble is, I’m torturing myself over his ex. He was madly madly in love with her, the sort of crazy heady drug-like love that doesn’t come around that often. She was also incredibly beautiful. Not just pretty but really really beautiful. And had a sort of mysterious, angelic look about her. I’m not just building her up, she really was the kind of woman who could make grown men weep at her beauty. And she had brains too. Urgh!

I’m pretty and reasonably intelligent but definitely nowhere near her league. And I’m feeling insecure that he is settling for me because it’s the best he can do.

I'm glad talking through this is giving you clarity.

That's something that's cathartic about MN, a good side of it.

Sounds like he's let her go, time for you to and get on with your relationship and be happy.

Does he make you feel adored and beautiful?

Thank you @MrsDilber. Yes, that's exactly how I'm feeling since starting this thread. It's a bit of a relief to get it out there and it's given my head a bit of a wobble and some much needed perspective. He is lovely. And I don't want to ruin it by being insecure and jealous of his past.

@AtrociousCircumstance
Yes, he does. Sometimes I feel very bashful when he looks at me a certain way, like he's admiring me or something. It gives me the flutters then I start to wonder if it's as good as how he used to look at her. See? My problem, not his!

i really know how you feel. my ex DP of 5 years had an ex like this. im not sure if she was his first kiss/sexual partner or whatever but i could just tell he was still captivated by her.

we were late teens/early 20s when we met. i saw at the beginning of our relationship that he would search for her instagram page. she is probably one of the most beautiful women i’ve ever seen! the way you describe your DPs ex. she ended up at the same uni as me and now goes to the same gym as me, so i see the way men look at her. i started trying to emulate her in a way, but i wont ever be as pretty!

i dont think its just prettyness, she has something about her. long blonde hair, angelic face, curves etc. anyway, my DP and I broke up and i noticed one of the first things he done was re-follow her on instagram!

she has a DP and moved away to london but still, he didnt forget about her. i think some people just have that effect on us & others around us. thats why even when our DPs move on, we become fixated on the ex. i dont really have a solution, i still look at her instagram page and fawn

*just to clarify, she uses my gym when she is back home in my city , not london

I had this with an ex. He was madly in love with someone when he was young - and yet he cheated on her (they lived in different cities.) I couldn't reconcile the fact he'd been crazy about her with the cheating - or I couldn't until he did the same to me. I think it was a way of keeping her/me in our places - I think he felt a bit inferior to each of us and by cheating, he felt he was making it more balanced. In a completely fucked up way, of course.

I wonder whether it was something similar with your guy. She wanted to marry him. He was crazy about her and saw her as a prize. It doesn't make sense that he didn't propose to her. Feeling that he couldn't afford a suitable ring sounds as though he was putting her on a pedestal - she was the kind of woman who deserved a huge ring. But by withholding the proposal, he was keeping her in her place, wasn't he? And in the end she felt he didn't want her, so she left him.

When you think about it, you shouldn't be jealous. He didn't want her enough to marry her. I feel sorry for her, to be honest.

It was 4 years ago, when he was freshly out of the relationship.

Suggest you work on your self confidence.

The looks and qualities of his ex - or indeed anyone else - have no bearing on YOUR relationship with him.

He's not settling for you because you're the best he could get. This whole thread is about the fact he was with someone (in your opinion) better than you, so he can do better (again from what you've said, not my opinion). So he's obviously with you because he wants to be, otherwise he would go find some other angelic woman.

Who's to say he doesn't view you as angelic and see light and love in your eyes? Or even better he might see a strong beautiful woman, he was heartbroken and pining when he said those things.

He's with you because he wants to be. Seems like you got the better deal than she did. So make the most of your life!

There is also no need to look for something that was “wrong” with her or made them incompatible: the broke up 4 years ago. It’s water under the bridge. Your insecurity seems the only reason to worry.

thats why even when our DPs move on, we become fixated on the ex.

That's really sad; and I don't think it's very common. Have you tried talking to anyone about how you feel? Blocking her?

This sounds like a really sad place to be