DESPERATE HELP NEEDED WITH DREADED IN LAW

[Flowertots]

Since before we got married my FIL used to make racist comments to me. Even after my dh told him to stop he continued. He then started making comments about my religion. This continued for a few years and in the meantime we got married and had a child. One day last year things came to a head when I said something back to him and he stormed off and left. MIL took his side and defended his actions-"he was only joking". They tried to get back in touch immediately afterwards but we ignored calls etc as we were both so angry. I sent MIL an email explaining how I felt, said FIL had verbal diorrhea and that he humiliated me etc. Things calmed down and we all made up and FIL apologised but things were never the same. Few months after, FIL died of a heart attack and the entire family turned against us, mainly me. MIL maliciously printed off the emails I'd sent her and handed them around the family, they all STILL keep copies. They've tried to split us up, sworn at me down the phone, have threatened and blackmailed us and generally made our lives a misery.
MIL is a serail adultress, dh's aunt hated and was despised by FIL and dh's nan was also not particularly nice to FIL while he was alive. DH knows that they've done this all through guilt but still wants to make amends with them. I have said I don't mind him going to visit them but he wants them back properly. They have in the last year, made no attempt whatsoever to make amends. I don't want them back in our lives as the last year has the most trouble-free we have ever had as a family. No continued arguments, no meddling do-gooders and this has had a huge positive impact on our daughter aswell as we rarely argue anymore. Don't know what to do as I know their involvement is not good for our family but dh feels heartbroken

Has your dh contacted any of his family yet?

At first he ignored his mum's phone calls but he talks to them ocassionally now. Has also been over to see them a few times but he wants us all to play happy families again. I feel that there's too much water under the bridge and don't want anything to do with such venomous people.

He has to come to the realisation himself and he will but not if he doesn't get to see it for himself and truly realise his own hurt and disappointment.

Buy him Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Imagine how you would feel iof you lost contact with your own family.

Although he may not liek the way they live their lives they are his parents/family. its understandable he wants them in his life.

i would support him in his quest to regain their affection but just keep my own involvment in family occasions limited. I think all parties know where they stand and it will be no shock to them if you don't go to family parties, but it means your DH can be a part of their lives without th agro.

I totally understand that he needs to see this for himself, but he wants to drag our daughter and me back into everything which I'm dead against. I've said he can go and see them, no problem but he wants more. I can't risk our family's happiness just to prove my point. As every typical man he can't quite see how despicable and malicious they've been

You say you can't risk your family's happiness but you may have to.

Control feels good but it rarely achieves what we desire. If you give him the freedom to make a good decision of his own you may just get what you want. In the meantime you have to take your own protective meausures but don't expect him to follow your lead.

Should means nothing - I have learnt that. You just have to do what you can for yourself and your children and beyond that trust in the man that you are relying on.

Set some ground rules for yourself and the children and discuss the real risks to the children if they are to visit family and what he would/would not allow and what he would do about it if your terms were breached.

This may give you some reassurance but you also have to bear in mind that it really tests the trust in your relationship and may raise issues you didn't think were there between the two of you.

Newlife

You've hit the nail on the head. The women in my dh's family are bully's and control freaks. dh has admitted himself that he is no match to them and they ALWAYS get their own way with him. He simply can't stand up to them and so he has always pushed me to the foreground to be the "bad guy" and turn down their unreasonable requests. Because of this it's been easy for them to make me the new target.

We have previously agreed on a course of action to go down when we go round there but he's always in a world of his own and never notices or puts a stop to what they are doing, therfore I always have to step in again.....IT'S SO FRUSTRATING!!!!

Hmm well, I lived for 5 years with a man and MIL who was like this but he wasn't as nice as your dh sounds. The issues sound similar though.

I realised after all this time that he needed me to take control of these things for him. After we got that out in the open I felt sorry for him and tried to stay with him while he built up his self esteem and confidence - not only with family but also in a more general sense.

My ex no longer has contact with his family and it was his choice - although they didn't give him much of a choice once he started challenging their behaviour towards us. The big thing is, it wasn't me telling him to shut the door on them.

Anyway, you'd think after this life would have improved but he was lost without his mum to bully him and dad to undermine him and this all got loaded on to me. I think he believes he hates me but honestly it has to be his parents he really has issues with.

I left because the bullying (of me) got too much in the end.

I hope you can help your dh to see things from a healthier perspective but try not to get too emotionally bruised in the process.

thanks newlife-sorry to hear about your story and I hope things are better now that you're not with your ex.

I'm worried that one day if his mum or nan dies, that he will resent me for keeping the barrier up. They're the type of people who, if given an inch, would take a mile. I don't want to open that can of worms again after all that's happened.

Tell him to go himself. You don't want to have anything to do with them, so why the hell should you?

Let him take dd (They are her aunts, gran, uncle etc) you can't be accused of keeping dd away from them if you do this.

This happened to me.

SIL is a venomous little bitch. She can't have children and hates me as we have 2, one of each sex. Whilst I did initially feel for her and included her in almost every aspect of my own children's lives, it soon became clear to me that she was going away, saying things about the way I parented, saying if my kids were hers, how she would do it. She also told people lies about me that cut deep.

I stopped talking to her and she started telling people I refused to let her see the kids. That was untrue, as dh always took them to MIL and she was always at MILs house. Then MIl started telling lies about me too, egged on by SIL. She told lies about me in front of the wrong people in a bar one night and the story was told back to dh at work one day. He stormed down and had it out with them all. SIL cried and denied it all... whilst MIL ried to work out who could have overheard them

Anyway, I let it blow over, and let MIL come up and apologise to me, I know I had done nothing wrong, apart from marry her son.

SIL and I are on very very odd speaking terms, as she works locally in a place I have to go quite often, so it's stilted conversations, but passes.

I choose not to go to family gatherings, (usually making excuses) this way, the kids have a relationship with their grandparents, aunt, and I am relatively happy about it,without having to put up with them and their nasty ways.

Hi Devil
The way I see it is why the hell should I allow them to seperate ME from my own family. By dh taking dd to see them, I'm being punished and excluded, more importantly, they made NO REQUESTS WHATSOEVER to see her, it's just dh's conscience. We said they can come and see her at our house but dont want a negative atmosphere so MIL to at least apologise for swearing at me down the phone. She had the cheek to say that her swearing at me was MY fault!!! She's the type of person who won't accept responsibility for any of her actions-always someone else's fault!!!

You are not being controlling if you are reacting to ridiculous behaviour. Everyone has the right to step out of toxic, controlling relationships, and its the idea of "we have to put up with it because theyre family" that perpetuates the pain in to the next generation. The most important thing for your DD is for her mum and dad to have a close, relaxed, happy, lasting relationship. Your in-laws are sabotaging this, so drop the guilt- guilt only has a place if <span class="italic">you</span> <span class="italic">have</span> <span class="italic">done</span> <span class="italic">something</span> <span class="italic">wrong</span>. The same happened with me. My mother (alcoholic bordeline) and my MIL (Narcissistic Personality DIsorder), both caused <span class="italic">huge</span> lasting problems between me and DH. Since weVe put our foot down with them and stopped contact for a while our relationship is so much happier because weve got the energy to focus on our family now. Youll never persuade your DH to see the light. Let him go and be with them as much as he likes. Just be there for him when he needs you, and draw the line if you feel they are having an influence on you and your DD. He may "get" it one day, but if he doesnt and still wants them to love him and accept him, then that is just one aspect that you may have to come to terms with (again, as long as their involvement doesnT affect your relationship-- some mothers would rather control their children than see them happy. I`ve no doubt your MIL would be satisfied if you divorced)

Yeah, but you see, you have to stop making it about them seperating you from your family.

That's not what's happening.

You are giving them too much power by thinking they can seperate your family from you.

Honestly, I have been there!!

Dh used to force me to go to family gatherings, even though I was ignored every time. As soon as I stood up to dh and told him I no longer wanted to be in their stifling atmosphere, he changed.

do you not want your dd to see her grandma at all? What will thi achieve? I kept my children away from their grandparents for over a year, and when their grandma finally came to apologise to us, ds had no idea who she was

I now have a lovely relationship with MIL, we have to work at it, and she's more like a friend than a MIL.

Sakura, thanks for your support and understanding.

Devil-totally get what you're saying but you have to understand that my dh (like your ex) has no confidence has been dominated by nan, mum and aunt all his life (as his dad was also bullied by them) and was also bullied at school. He is an only child, so was thoroughly spoilt and they make him feel like he owes them something because of it. they are masters in the art of "guilt trip" and use it to the max with him because they know it will push all the right buttons with him.

dh going to take dd to them alone is simply not an option. He takes no notice of what they do and don't do with her and they have no respect for our wishes as parents and do what they like-feed her stuff we don't want her to eat for dietary reasons etc etc.

It's not really fair on your dh though, is it?

Especially if he wants his mum to see his dd?

Can't you come to some sort of compromise?

Devil I agree

his mother wants everything on her terms though which simply is not going to happen-wanted to take dd away by herself-said to me I wasn't invited to the park and couldn't go. Also I have a duty to my dd to protect her from people are not good for her. If there was a paedophile in the family I'd keep dd away from them. Likewise, I've seen the damage MIL can cause and she is more venomous than all the rest put together. They have tried to influence my dd's religion which in my eyes, has nothing to do with them. Been telling her stuff against our beliefs without any respect for us as her parents.

when things were ok with us all, we had an open door policy and MIL and other members of family hardly ever used to come to see dd anyway. dd does not know any of them and never has done. There is no loss at all because they have never made an effort since day 1 as it is. Their loss, certainly NOT ours.

I honestly think let you dh take dd to visit them, they will soon say/do something to "hang themselves" and dh will stop doing it. He will know it's not your fault, and as a man he probaby won't actually bother to do it that often.

If the racist is dead may be it would be easier to get things back to normal. Invite them to a religious event at your mosque, synagogue, church etc as a test.

Xenia-nice try. Went round once with religious gear on and they went barmy. Why didn't you "warn" us first!!! They're just pathetic!!!

There is a Catholic/Protestant difference in our marriage also (not the same as the one in your relationship obviously) but still a huge hurdle to get over.

Still, a little bit of give and take has to happen. MIL will never come round to your way of thinking and you will never see things MIL's way.... so everyone will have to compromise.

Flowertots your post of 13:18 seems to indicate that your dh is almost as guilty as the rest of them for this poor state of affairs. Being a victim as he clearly seems to be still isn't an excuse for not taking responsibility - esp if that means his own dc and dw become victims too.

Devil, it really annoys me if people use the "granparents are important" line. The reason is this: after DDs birth, I put up with unbearable stress and intolerable behaviour from MIL <span class="italic">just</span> because of this line. I lost my integrity, I was bullied to the point of abuse by her, and she <span class="italic">spoiled</span> the first few months with DD. It was like looking after <span class="italic">two</span> children, except that one was a spoilt brat. THat is more than a new mother should be expected to do when she is weak and vulnerable , all because of the "grandparents are important" line that I kept telling myself. SHe is spinning that exact same line now. Its so ironic and annoying because that is the only reason I put up with her for so long. You asked what that not seeing granparents will achieve-It will achieve my sanity,hold our relationship together and teach DD that you donT let people treat you like sh*t, especially family. THat is ALL I care about. If we divorced, his mother is very unlikely to see DD very much, if at all, so us staying together actually benefits her. But her involvement caused the worst row we`Ve ever had.

I think I should also mention how kind I have been to her. Inviting her over for Sunday lunches, going to see her on a Sunday, really letting her be involved. Some people are not interested in being happy, and get pleasure from upsetting others. This is life, Im afraid and a lesson to be learned. I was in denial for ages, sugar-coating my experience with granparents are important. The fact is they arent that important.

Could you possibly meet up at a restaurant/cafe for a meal or coffee just your family & mil to start with and see how it goes?

It sounds like they have suffered with their little boy flying the nest syndrome by the cruel comments made to you & the way they have been in the past.

Try and leave it there, i know you can't forget it, my pil are very difficult and make stupid comments, it doesn't do them any favours behaving like infants but they carry on doing it?

I would rise above it all for your husbands sake and talk to him about anything that mil says that offends & hurts your feelings. I would certainly stand your ground if she was to say something offensive/hurtful too.