DESPERATE HELP NEEDED WITH DREADED IN LAW

[Flowertots]

Since before we got married my FIL used to make racist comments to me. Even after my dh told him to stop he continued. He then started making comments about my religion. This continued for a few years and in the meantime we got married and had a child. One day last year things came to a head when I said something back to him and he stormed off and left. MIL took his side and defended his actions-"he was only joking". They tried to get back in touch immediately afterwards but we ignored calls etc as we were both so angry. I sent MIL an email explaining how I felt, said FIL had verbal diorrhea and that he humiliated me etc. Things calmed down and we all made up and FIL apologised but things were never the same. Few months after, FIL died of a heart attack and the entire family turned against us, mainly me. MIL maliciously printed off the emails I'd sent her and handed them around the family, they all STILL keep copies. They've tried to split us up, sworn at me down the phone, have threatened and blackmailed us and generally made our lives a misery.
MIL is a serail adultress, dh's aunt hated and was despised by FIL and dh's nan was also not particularly nice to FIL while he was alive. DH knows that they've done this all through guilt but still wants to make amends with them. I have said I don't mind him going to visit them but he wants them back properly. They have in the last year, made no attempt whatsoever to make amends. I don't want them back in our lives as the last year has the most trouble-free we have ever had as a family. No continued arguments, no meddling do-gooders and this has had a huge positive impact on our daughter aswell as we rarely argue anymore. Don't know what to do as I know their involvement is not good for our family but dh feels heartbroken

If they are racist towards you they are being racist towards your child by default.

Please, your child is part of who you are and they need to get over themselves.

My parents are of very different religions and if anyone tried to take a pop at my mum my dad would diplomatically but firmly sort it out in about two minutes. And if someone took a pop at my dad my mum would do the same.

Let your dh take some of the responsibility for this and sort it. I can completely understand how you feel about being marginalised if they see your child without you. Not on.

Thanks for all your comments.

Sakura, we feel very alike-I can tell from your posts that we've shared the same frustration and hurt from similar experiences. At the end of it you DO feel like family are human beings too and if you wouldn't accept it from any old Tom Dick or Harry, why should you feel that you have to put up with all the crap they throw at you. At the end of the day, they're just people and if they can't care enough about not hurting your feelings, they're not worth it.

Spoke to dh and he agreed that the last year without them in our lives have been the best and most peaceful. I just told him to be content with that, end of. We rarely saw them when things were ok and even then they constantly caused conflict. I think he's just chasing a fantasy which will never be a reality. He seemed to accept that.

Flowerpots, yes, please do what makes you happiest, and whats best for your and DHs relationship. A happy mother, in a good relationship with Dad is all a baby needs. You are further along than me. Im thinking about telling DH to take her once a month or something to meet them, but not yet,(shes only 8 months).I dont know whether I would go with him or not. MIL is a real bully and attacks your sense of Self. DD probably doesnT even HAVE a sense of self yet, so it would be quite dangerous to let her get too involved with this woman yet. I want to make sure shes developed a bit of her personality, and awareness of her boundaries before I let that woman loose on her.

You are far better off without these people in your life. I had a stepfather who was abusive in a similar way and did huge damage to my self-esteem in the process, and my mother colluded with him. "She can't take a joke" was a common response to any expression on my part of my hurt and upset.

My stepdad is gone but the rest of my family still continued (until last year when I put my foot down and broke away from them all)to use me as the family dustbin whenever there were any bad feelings flying around. Your FIL may be gone but your MIL has spent her life colluding with him in projection of the families negative feelings onto someone else and even if it isn't you next time there will be a scapegoat - most likely your DD. As Sakura says, don't expose her to it, nor put yourself through any more grief. Your life is better now. It is up to your DH what he does, they are his family and he is a grownup but I too agree that grandparents aren't everything. Non-blood family friends who treat you and your children with love and respect are worth far more than abusive grandparents.

I too would recommend "Toxic Parents" - it has a lot to say on this subject.