Dh and receptionist

[ihavenoideawhattothink]

Dh and I have been married 5 years. We used to work at the same place, that's how we met. We no longer work together, but I am familiar with how things run at the company.
A few weeks ago I was using his computer, getting something from his email. I noticed a few emails back and forth between him and the receptionist. A few from her asking for mentoring and advice on things, where there was obviously face to face conversation that led to the emails. They have nothing in common work wise and she's doesn't do his admin or anything. The last one from her was a birthday invitation. To be fair in the invite she does say partners are welcome, but she's also made it clear she hasn't invited the whole office.

I asked him about it and he got very defensive and said he hasn't done anything wrong, basically he wasn't nice or reassuring about it the way I thought he would be. I have always trusted him without doubt. But I feel off about this.

I used his phone tonight to make a call and I saw in his contact that's he's saved her home email address. Why on earth would he do that?

I'm not even sure I think he's cheating. Maybe just enjoying attention from someone young and attractive. But it's put him in a different light to me and I feel gross. I feel humiliated. I know it doesn't seem like much and I'm prepared to be told I'm over reacting.
I don't know what to do. I expect if I ask him about this again he'll just get angry. He said last time that he wasn't sure our relationship was going to survive as we'd been fighting a bit recently, and I felt like I couldn't really get to the bottom of this without feeling like the relationship was on edge. Maybe I just do have to let the relationship end? I don't know if I trust him now and the unwillingness to talk makes me feel like I have no choice. Am I just being paranoid?

I meant to say she is 21. We are 35.

Could the home email address be related to the party invite? Has he accepted and is he taking you?

How do you feel about the relationship generally - you sound a bit indifferent? And an affair would give you an out? You don’t need any reason or excuse if you want to leave.

Re the email address - my phone seems to save very email address that comes into it, or that I respond to from it. I have never asked it to do this. I don't think that in itself is anything to be concerned about.

Feeling like you don’t trust your partner is the path to destruction. I would always say follow your gut instinct on things like this as most people aren’t paranoid for no good reason. The fact he won’t talk to you about it and put your mind at rest would be a red flag for me too.

His defensiveness is an indication that he feels as if he has done something wrong. I think that you need to have an open conversation here.

As Alberta says, don't read too much into the phone details - my phone seems to autosave every flipping bit of information about anyone who contacts me!

At the moment you don't seem to have seen too much evidence that he's into her - only that she maybe fancying him? If you know the date/time of her party I'd check he is with you then rather than "at work" or some excuse. Please don't accuse him wrongly so make sure he is actually doing something (rather than just being approached by her), I was once wrongly accused and it nearly finished me.

He is enjoying the attention at a time when your relationship feels strained. With that age gap he’d be an absolute pillock to let your marriage break down as she is extremely unlikely to want to settle down with him long term. Are there kids involved OP?

I don't feel indifferent. I just feel really mixed up. I couldn't forgive him if he had been leading her on at work, even if he doesn't do anything physical. I've just always felt like he was an open book and now I feel like he's hiding something.

Maybe his phone did save her email automatically, it's hard to know. Mine isn't saved in there automatically though and we email all the time.

I have one DC from a previous relationship that he has raised.

“ He said last time that he wasn't sure our relationship was going to survive as we'd been fighting a bit recently...”

So really, it’s your relationship that’s the issue. The receptionist may just be someone he’s lining up when he breaks up with you.

His unusual reaction would suggest he's uncomfortable about something at least. perhaps there is a bit of flirting or he fancies her. Seen this sort of thing with my bloke when some work totty adds him on facebook and he gets all flustered and tries to explain it/protest.

Why don;t you go to the party? May put you all at ease.

@mogratpineapple I think he probably has been flirting and enjoying attention. He says nothing has been going on and he hasn't done anything wrong. He said he leaves his phone around me all the time and he has nothing to hide. Not everything happens over email or phone though. They're at work together, I would have no idea how often he speaks to her.

I think he has already told her verbally that he won't be attending.

I'm sure emails and numbers are automatically saved from LinkedIn contacts - it previously did anyway (not sure if that's changed since GDPR?)

I think it's going to be hard to find out now as you've confronted regarding her and he is on the defensive so even if there is more contact via email, personal social media (LinkedIn, insta, Twitter etc) and you find anything deleted he could argue that you would overreact etc... so you're in a bit of a no win situation.

Now many would argue you shouldn't have to do this but his previous angry, defensive response only shows another warning sign over reassurance and comfort. Especially when he's followed it up with saying he's not sure you're relationship is going to survive - deflection at its best!

@Paperdoll16 yes that's how I feel. Like he is just deflecting. He actually said 'I'm not going to jump through hoops'. When he's defensive I don't know what to say. He's obviously not going to admit that he fancies her.
I feel like it's going to come down to my gut feeling and I don't know if that's a solid way to make decisions!

OP - if you have doubts - just have a look around, quietly.

Think about it - if he is hiding something - he won’t admit to questioning that has any proof.
And if he isn’t hiding - but you are not in a great place and arguing for other reasons - questioning just ads aggravation.
So - no reason to question, not w/o any data.

But - on its own - the emails she sent and him having a personal email saved - doesn’t have to mean anything sinister.
Even him being flattered because a young person asked for him to be a mentor. It’s human nature.
It’s like if someone complimented you. You can like it, and not jump into bed with that person.

Your post was a little dramatic. Especially the part where you said something about letting the relationship die.
If I were you - i’d rather try to figure it what is going wrong between you, why you are arguing, etc.

@MMmomDD we argue because my dc is sick and it has added a lot of pressure. I haven't been working because of it so there's another layer of stress financially, even though he earns well so technically we aren't struggling. We have also gone through fertility treatments which have failed and he's desperate for children.

I feel a lot of stress over my dc being ill. I also feel like I've failed at getting pregnant. He has said things at times that make me feel like he blames me for us not having a baby. I feel like I've tried really hard. So I guess if he was having his head turned or lining someone up to leave me I wouldn't be surprised.

He actually said 'I'm not going to jump through hoops

So you asking for just a little reassurance is a "hoop" for him?? There's your issue, irrespective of what the situation with the receptionist is. It sounds like neither of you are particularly happy right now and you need to talk about what the issues are. But if he won't do that, it makes it extremely difficult for you. It takes two to fix a relationship.

How do you know what she looks like?

OP - it sounds tough. I am sorry.
And sounds like both of you are in a bad place and are dealing with it in your own ways.
Still - no reason to assume he is lining someone to leave you.
And if he were - arguments won’t prevent that from happening anyway. You know that.

Have you tried talking about all the issues you’ve been having? Maybe counselling is something that can help?

@halfwitpicker I've seen her at reception when I've been into his work.

@MMmomDD yeah we've talked over and over.
It's a bad feeling I have that he's not being honest, that I've never ever had about him before. I've always thought that he was the most honourable guy. I can't explain it well obviously. It's just a shift that I've felt.

OP - it can be something, or just a general numbness that you feel that is making you see everything in a more negative light. Look for even worse things to happen in your life.
You do sound down and dejected overal. Also hopeless.

Failed fertility treatments and unwell child wound make anyone hopeless.
And I think you are looking at your H to get some reassurance and happiness.
And - he doesn’t seem like a ray of sunshine. Not everyone is by nature.

If I were you, OP - i’d focus on myself and on getting out of this darkish place where you are. Starting with the self blame.
And - go from there.
Have you tried asking GP for help? Maybe some CBT?

so you've previously had a DC, but he's blaming you for not being able to get pregnant with his child? not sure I follow the logic on that one. how exactly are you to blame here? did fertility tests show it was an issue with you?