Urgent advice needed - going into refuge

[looksfamiliar]

Hello

I am hoping to get into a refuge today. I've been told to call in this morning to see if there is anywhere available.

I am in a hurry because my XP, who is refusing to leave the property, is due home today and I don't know what time.

I have been advised by WA to get legal advice about leaving the property because I am a joint owner. I would like to sell and move on, I have decided, after being given ultimatum by XP that he either stays or we sell. He has said he might go for a yes to give me a chance to get sorted (we have 2 very young DCs) but I just don't believe him. I have asked him to leave so many times before and he can't give up control. He is extremely EA.

I don't yet have a solicitor but I don't know the legal implications of leaving and instructing later. I only know solicitors advise not leaving a property if there are ownership issues.

Can anybody help advise?

NB: we are not married so the house is jointly owned 50/50 and an occupation order would be needed to take sole possession. I am told that I have enough grounds for non molestation order, which is granted would then allow me legal aid to get an OC but I am not strong enough to take him on this way at the moment.

*leave for a year

I left my property as he wouldn't. We were married and had to go to court over the divorce anyway. He only put it up for sale because a jodgr ordered it. He only accepted an offer because the court ordered it. But.... I couldn't not have stayed, you have to consider your mental health.

Also a non-molestation order doesn't automatically qualify you for legal aid, it will depend on your other circumstances (my sister had a non-mol but needed to pay for other legal costs).

Good luck OP. Consider your mental health and only do what you are able to and take all the help offered. Baby steps forward are still steps forward.

I'm so frightened... is this the right thing? Is he really that bad? I will be taking his kids...

If you are even considering taking yourself and DC to a refuge then YES he is that bad!
If you have enough ground for a non-mol order, then YES he is that bad.
You are not 'taking his kids, you are rescuing them.
Advice to not leave a property is not relevant when abuse is involved!
If he is extremely EA, your words, then leaving him is a physically dangerous time so getting yourself away from him and keeping your DC safe is imperative and courts understand that.
If you're in fear because he may come back, pack a bag with a change of clothes, passports and documents etc and take yourselve to the police station to call refuge.
Please don't minimise the physical danger you're in. EA is a crime and police are aware that it escalates into violence in many many cases when the woman tries to leave!

If you are considering going into refuge then yes the situation is that bad.

Furthermore, if they are willing to offer you a space in a refuge they too believe it to be that bad. Sadly there isn’t an infinite number of spaces in refuge- they’re having their funding cut constantly. They won’t offer you a space if they don’t think you are in need of it. Your local women’s aid will hopefully have a list of suitable solicitors you can go to for advice to sort out residential arrangements for your children and stuff to do with your house.

Good luck! Best decision I ever made was taking myself and my children into refuge. It can be hard at first but it does get easier. Let them help you.

My passport is missing but I have hidden birth certificates.

Don't even want to think about whether he's responsible.

He has never hit me but has been sexually abusive and verbally harassing.

Report the passport as lost asap and get new one sent to another address.
Don't assume that because he hasn't hit you yet, it will never happen. He hasn't needed to yet, he's using other methods to control you and keep you in 'your place'.

It's quite usual on mn for dv victims to say he hasn't hit me, to then admit he has pushed, pulled, blocked exits, punched walls etc. And I remember one poster admitted he strangled her, but was minimising because he hadn't hit.
Even if there is no actual physical violence, the sexual and verbal abuse is more than a good reason to leave! The only amount of abuse, of any type, in a relationship is NONE!

If you are leaving to go to a refuge I would see no difficulty in your then applying, if you wished, for you to have use of the home until the kids are grown.

You need proper legal advice but no lawyer in their right mind will tell you to stay where you and your children are at risk of abuse. Just don't leave the children behind.

Good luck.

Iv been in this situation and its terrible. My stbxh wouldn't leave the property he even returned and slept the night in the office in the back garden. We also have young children. My solicitor was the person who told me it was domestic abuse (he wanted to remain living in the house but date other people, etc etc etc) It had all made me really mentally ill as he had persuaded me the issues were because of my mental health. It was a huge horrible terrifying mess. I could have got a none molestation order out on him but i was so so confused and messed up and i felt so so guilty. He did leave the family property with a pre molestation order letter , he has continued to be horrendous. But i have a fab solicitor who he hates!! Im getting there, the kids have been through a lot but their generally ok to.
You need to get practical
this will help you try and get legal aid.

Visit the dr so theres proof that its effecting your health, i had already been quite a few times and was under the mental health team as i was so unwell. This i didnt realise would be helpful as they need a drs letter.
Keep a diary of whats going on
Keep all correspondence no matter how unpleasant, esp if there are threats.
Record conversations you have with him (down load an app).

Look for recommendations on a good family solicitor, i dont think they all do legal aid.
Solicitors get a bad name, but i would be lost with out mine, she has been amazing.

Just need to clarify he has been SA to me, not the children. He is a very loving father and will be heartbroken I've dove this. I feel like shit but I can't bear seeing him again right now.

I hear you Looksfamiliar xxxx
I think as time goes on you may well notice hes not as much as a good father as you think! It takes a certain kind of person to be abusive and theres a thread in their personality, i dont believe that behaviour is exclusive to wards the receiver. Its a de fault in the abuser and i would be concerned about these issues effecting the children. My stbx has an unhealthy connection to sex and is totally obsessed with porn, when he left me he wanted to be a male escort!! I would hate my children to be exposed to any of this. This does not make for being a good parent. My young son displays control issues, yes it could just be his age but my gut tells me that he has seen the way his father speaks to me. So no i dont think hes a good parent and not a good role model.

I can't get into a refuge because I can't claim housing benefit.

I'm all packed up and going nowhere.

Will have to put everything away before he gets back

Ah yes, Theresa May. Such a feminist.

What are you supposed to do if you're on maternity leave and have no money?

They've advised presenting myself to the council as being made homeless due to DV. I can't take 2 babies down to council offices with no car and all their stuff with no idea how long it will take.

Bloody hell - is this correct? I;ve heard of local councils helping women in this exact situation by agreeing discretionary housing payments to cover the refuge rent - if this not possible for you?

Fucking disgraceful leaving you in this situation, I;m so sorry.

Shelter have helpline you could try?

Waiting for a call back from local housing charity but losing the will now, he will be back home soon and the window had passed.

Referral process takes 40 minutes alone.

If nothing else at least I've sorted my jewellery box.

You can op, take the important bits you absolutely need and go.

Its nuts that you cant claim h.b on maternity

I've got nowhere to go.

I'm sorry I haven't had much chance to thank you individually for your advice and support.

One minute you're escaping under cover of darkness, life never to be the same again; the next you're trying to guide a toddler backwards down the stairs they refuse to learn to climb down, after they have opened and poured a bottle of baby oil over the landing and down the stairs! Somewhere in the house a baby is crying...

Feels like a ken loach nightmare! Thought I would be sophisticated in my middle age!

Are you the poster on the thread yesterday? Pulled hair?

I don't think so.

Look on Facebook for part time working mummy. Her name is Rachele and she does so much work helping people find places in refuges. Message her, email her do whatever you can to get the help you need to get away today.

non molestation and occupation order forms
You don't need a solicitor you can do these yourself and post them to the court. Not all courts charge to serve them.