Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Is it time to leave?

36 replies

MrBee · 30/05/2018 21:52

I think this is the end of our relationship but am hesitating to make the leap into the unknown. He has always had a volatile temper (together 10 years) and in the past has broken stuff, punched walls and doors etc. He hasn't been physically abusive since our child was born (now 7) but is still verbally abusive. Last week he threatened to strangle me in front of our son because I was 'winding him up.' I know it was an empty threat but I never want our child to witness anything like that again. I think I just need to gather the courage...

OP posts:

ScreamingValenta · 30/05/2018 21:54

Yes. From what you're saying, it's been time to leave for some years. No advice, but wishing you strength and courage.

MMmomDD · 30/05/2018 21:58

OP - ‘he has not been physically abusive since our child has been born’ - read this again.
And you’ll know what you need to do.

(What stoped you from leaving back then????? And why would you have a child with a man like this)

Original poster

MrBee · 30/05/2018 22:25

I completely agree, and I wish I could wind the clock back as I would do things totally differently... I suppose I was easily influenced and hoped things would change (which they always did, for a while anyway)...

OP posts:

notagain2018 · 30/05/2018 23:16

Please don't waste any more of your life on this man. The main thing here is your child. Dont let your child grown up thinking this is a normal relationship.
You need to ask yourself what positives you get from this relationship? I know it sounds easy enough for other people to tell you but you can only come to the decision yourself. Sometimes it can take the smallest incident to give you that 'lightbulb' moment. Please don't let it be a massive incident that makes you leave, do it before that happens.
I wish you lots of strength and support!

Blondebakingmumma · 31/05/2018 06:54

You need to get yourself and your child to safety. If you can’t do it for yourself then put your chil’s needs above your own and leave

hellsbellsmelons · 31/05/2018 08:56

He's abusive and dangerous.
Have to spoken to Womens Aid at all?
They can help you with an exit plan if you need one.
Do you have any supportive friends or family around you?
How easy would it be for you to pack up essentials and leave?
This is a very precarious time so ensure he knows nothing about any plans you make.
He was violent before and he will be again if you don't do things carefully.
WA is your first port of call.
Phone as soon as you can.
They are often busy so you may need to try a good few times before you get through.

Original poster

MrBee · 01/06/2018 12:04

Thank you all for your words of support. Hellsbells yes I have been trying to call women's aid but not yet been able to get through. Over the last week I have been packing paperwork and other essentials so I can leave quickly. My parents live about half an hour away and would very supportive so I think I will just take my stuff and go there on Monday. He is likely to hit the roof if I take our son with me, but I can't see another way at the moment ...

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/06/2018 12:36

Definitely take your son with you! Don't leave him with a violent bully!!!

Well done on gathering your paperwork - be very careful to make sure he has no idea what you're doing. Is there any reason why you need to wait until Monday? Could you go today? Good luck with it all.

Original poster

MrBee · 04/06/2018 11:39

I have now spoken to women's aid and they have reassured me that I am in a bad relationship (as you have all said).

So... My bags are packed and I will be leaving shortly. I feel very nervous, wish me luck!

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 04/06/2018 11:45

Well done OP.
I'm glad Womens Aid could you help see this for what it is.
Good luck with leaving today.
Stay strong and stay focused until you are out.
Are you going to your parents?
I hope this is your new beginning, away from this abusive nightmare of a 'man'!

NickyNora · 04/06/2018 11:50

best of luck. Please update the thread.
Take care. X x

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/06/2018 11:56

Well done OP, you are making a smart decision. Best of luck, let us know how it goes when you are somewhere safe.

Original poster

MrBee · 04/06/2018 14:29

I have done it and am now with family. It all feels a bit weird, I don't think the realisation has hit me yet!

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/06/2018 15:25

Well done - it's a scary thing to do and being with your family is exactly the right place right now. Is your DS ok? Does STBX realise you've gone yet?

Original poster

MrBee · 04/06/2018 15:56

Yes I have just picked DS up from school and is safe with me now. Ex is at work at the moment and will find out when he gets home. I still feel a bit shellshocked.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/06/2018 16:01

Did you leave him a note? Just be warned he will probably bombard you with calls/texts when he realises you're gone for good. Good luck, you've done the really scary bit already. What have your parents said?

Shoxfordian · 04/06/2018 16:02

Well done OP
Stay strong

BlueJava · 04/06/2018 16:02

Good luck OP!

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 04/06/2018 16:15

You've done a really difficult thing. Well done.

Remember, if you go back, you will have to do that very difficult thing again.

Do not go back.

Never go back.

You are now on the way to a much better life for you and DS. If you're tempted to think about him (or respond to messages etc) then think about how you want your future to look instead. Things might be difficult for a while, but you've got this. You've just shown how strong you are.

Original poster

MrBee · 04/06/2018 16:25

I am never going back, I can't go through all this again!

I am expecting a lot of anger tonight, but am prepared to call police if necessary.

What do I do about sorting out child contact / access going forward? I don't want to deprive him of contact with DS but he is unlikely to want a reasonable discussion...

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/06/2018 16:32

I think you need to get some legal advice re: access arrangements.

Also if he sends you any shitty text or messages this evening or going forwards, make sure you screen-shot them.

If he even so much as threatens you, agree that reporting it to the police is necessary. Good luck, keep us posted.

FuckMyUterus · 04/06/2018 16:32

MrBee just to let you know in case you aren't aware, if he wants to take your child from school, they can't stop him without a court order. The police can't return him to you either if he has PR. Just something to consider in case he plays nasty. Hope you're okay.

Original poster

MrBee · 04/06/2018 19:40

Update... It is all out in the open now and actually ex was very reasonable (but upset obviously).

He is demanding that DS be returned to the family home tomorrow after school. He is threatening to call the police and saying I have taken his child away from him.

I'm now feeling guilty and can feel myself wavering...

OP posts:

DerelictWreck · 04/06/2018 19:45

Do not waver OP. You know this is the best thing for your son.

Bear in mind he has no more rights to your son than you do, so no reason why he should be returned to the family home.

We are all here to help and support

PastBananas · 04/06/2018 19:47

Well in that case, you need to call the police yourself, explain why you have left him, tell them that he threatened to strangle you last week, and say that he is now threatening you again - you are concerned for your safety and that of your dc.

Tell the school asap as well. If necessary, keep your dc off school tomorrow.

Does he know where you are?

Flip

1 2