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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says he no longer feels the same

27 replies

Emma2204 · 30/05/2018 16:15

My husband of 14 years with two children 13&10 went out on a Saturday night, ended up at a house party and strolled in 12pm the next aftrnoon After my numerous calls expressing my anger at him. He came in still kind of hungover and after confronting him just said he can't do this anymore and just doesn't have the same feelings. Says he's felt this way for about six months. However I have not noticed any change or noticing him be unhappy during this time. Everything just seemed normal. He says that there is no one else involved he just doesn't know how he feels anymore. We are due to go on holiday in 4 weeks and still wants to go for the boys sake and however much I want him to go I just don't know if I can take the agony. It's day three since he dropped the bombshell and is still living here, he wants to stay until he can work enough money to secure a deposit. I've tried talking to him to see if we can try and work on it but he is just not the same person, Friday night and Saturday afternoon he was completely normal it's as if that person has disappeared in the space of a night . I am absolutely heartbroken and confused as he can't give me any answers to why the change. I have checked phone bills and Facebook for messages perhaps off someone else but nothing. He has not done disappearing act before this. 😓💔

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/05/2018 16:24

Sorry but something happened that night.
All cheaters follow a script.
They re-write history (6 months unhappy blah blah blah)

I'm sorry you are going through this.
It's pure torture with them in your space.

Does he have anywhere he could go?
Even for a few days?
Family or a friend?
You really need some headspace.

Can you talk to family or friends as well?
You will need some real life support and help.
You will still be in shock right now.
So ensure you are hydrated and keep your sugar levels up, ready for the crash.

It's a truly shit time.
No-one will tell you any different.
But don't do the 'pick me' dance.
If he can't leave, could you go away to visit someone this weekend to get away yourself?
Get some love and support around you?

Momo18 · 30/05/2018 16:28

Sounds like a typical midlife crisis after having his head turned and a taste of excitement. It sounds very likely he was upto no good that night, do not chase him.

Skiingkangaroo1 · 30/05/2018 16:31

Sorry OP. Look after yourself, it sounds like he's checked out and there's a good chance he's met someone else, though whether it's a one night stand or something more meaningful it doesn't really matter. Hopefully he can stay elsewhere? Hope you're ok.

Mamabird3 · 30/05/2018 16:35

I’m three weeks in to exactly the same situation. My husband came home from working away in London and told me he no longer feels the same about me any more. Doesn’t want to work on things, and gave no more explanation. He moved out the next day. It is hard and I’ve cried more thank I thought I could but you just have to keep on keeping on for the kids. I don’t have any advice I’m afraid but just know that there are others in the same situation.

Billybigballs123 · 30/05/2018 16:37

I agree that it’s highly likely he did something that night- might have planned in advance or maybe not. Either way, don’t chase him. When you eventually find out what he’s done you’ll wish you hadn’t if you do.

letsdolunch321 · 30/05/2018 16:45

I agree with other posters something happened over the weekend did he meet with friends who are single, this may have turned his head the way they behave.

If this was something he had thought through he would have been saving already!!!

Hugs for the forthcoming holiday which obviously is going to be a difficult time 😩

Choosegopse · 30/05/2018 16:47

You will feel better, though I know it doesn’t feel like it just now

falang · 30/05/2018 16:58

They stick to a script don't they? Out of the blue, been feeling the same for ages, no, there's no other woman. I wonder if there is a booklet they all read? Such a cruel thing to do to you and the children. He spent the night with someone else on Saturday and I'm guessing it's not someone new (although I hope I'm wrong). I'd pack his bags and have them waiting for him. Why should you have to sit around waiting for him to save up?

expatinscotland · 30/05/2018 17:16

'He says that there is no one else involved he just doesn't know how he feels anymore. '

BULLSHIT!

'We are due to go on holiday in 4 weeks and still wants to go for the boys sake and however much I want him to go I just don't know if I can take the agony. It's day three since he dropped the bombshell and is still living here, he wants to stay until he can work enough money to secure a deposit. '

Of course he does! He wants it all his way. You pretend to be happy families whilst he feathers his nest to take off with his floozy.

I'd tell him he needs to get out since he's the one who decided he wanted to fuck someone else and so I need some space to determine what's best for me.

He's a typical sad spoony following a script.

What a pathetic douchebag.

Original poster
Emma2204 · 30/05/2018 17:58

He started a crossfit group about 3 months ago along with my 13 year old who thoroughly enjoys it. He has been going every single day, we had words on a few ocassions because he comes in from work and he and my son are straight out the door again until about 7.30each evening. The group organised night out which he attended and this happens. I just have had no signs prior to this. I did speak to him on the night about 2ib the morning asking where he was? He was so drunk he didn't even know where he was and ended up speaking to one of his mates and I asked him to get him a taxi home but it was like taking to a brick wall he was just as useless.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2018 18:04

I don't feel the same = Having an affair. The new cross fit kick is another dead giveaway.

expatinscotland · 30/05/2018 18:21

So it's either a woman from cross fit or from work, these spoonies have no originality to stray far from the well-beaten path.

He's just taking his time until he can get off with her and then he'll do the, 'I just happened to meet someone else, completely unexpected.' No one believes it for a second.

Flowerpotbicycle · 30/05/2018 18:32

I also vote for another woman. When it’s that sudden it usually is, like you said there was no long build up of unhappiness which happens in mutual splits.
I think it’s likely to be someone from his new hobby

Original poster
Emma2204 · 30/05/2018 19:26

Thank you everyone for your support. I do think there is someone else , otherwise none of it makes sense. He just won't have the decency to admit it.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/05/2018 19:42

'He just won't have the decency to admit it.'

That's because he cares more about himself than you and doesn't want to look bad.

SandyY2K · 30/05/2018 20:31

Is it normal for himto stay out overnight?

Ripasso · 31/05/2018 08:09

My ex husband did the same. It took months of heartache before he slipped up and I found evidence of another woman he had been having an affair with. With hindsight I should have changed the locks and ended things that night.

It is awful but try to think what you need to get through this. It is not all about him but it is easy to be blindsided and go along with his wishes in the hope you can salvage the relationship. I only started to recover when I realised my marriage was over and went no contact.

Could you go on holiday alone with your sons or with a friend? I hope you have someone to confide in and get support from in real life.

Dancingmonkey87 · 31/05/2018 08:16

I had this with my ex when ds was 1year old. Something happened the Saturday and his behaviour seemed off. Cue the i been unhappy for the last 6 months and then ow came out the wood works about 3weeks later.

NormskiNamechange · 31/05/2018 08:21

I know it’s easy enough for me to say but I really do think you should ask him to leave.

This needs to be on your terms. Do not let him come on holiday.

CardinalCat · 31/05/2018 08:26

It does sound suspiciously like someone else is involved. It could be another woman, or it could be that he has developed friendships with men at the gym who don't have family ties,and he is hankering after their life. Crossfit, in my experience of friends who have taken part, can become quite obsessive and competitive and two friends in particular have become quite brainwashed by it. So while i agree OW is the simplest explanation, I wouldn't rule out that he have been brainwashed by the kind of lifestyle that he perceives these new friends as having.

Regardless, what a silly prick.

It's a big fat NO to him staying in the family home while he hedges his bets. He is the one breaking up the family,he needs to get out. Reclaim some power,OP. And unless you think this is a temporary which can be fixed and not repeated, then don't go on the holiday with him. It's far too confusing for the boys.

Ledkr · 31/05/2018 08:32

Try to go on the holiday on your own.
This happened to me some years ago and going off on holiday with my kids was a really powerful healing thing to do.
I'd been with him since I was late teens and had never travelled alone.
Having to organise airport parking, check in etc really made me realise that I'd be fine on my own.
I went away ashamed to be a "left woman" and returned a feisty Independent one with big ambitions.

I really hope that he's chucking this all away for a drunken one night stand because it's unlikely to last if so and he will look such a prat!

Littlelambpeep · 31/05/2018 08:35

I would get him out of the house one way or another. He can't have his cake and eat it.

Belindabauer · 31/05/2018 08:48

I agree with everyone else, it's either another woman or his new found freedom has made him want to be single.
I would also try and go on holiday without him. He has already told you be doesn't want to be with you, don't prolong the torture by allowing him to dictate the details.

Thebluedog · 31/05/2018 08:56

Take control op

Tell him to move out

Tell him he won’t be coming on holiday with you

He wants a single life, rips the family apart but still wants all the trappings

Tell both your families

He has to realise the reality of his decision. He can’t drop that bombshell and expect you to not do anything different

Pippylou · 31/05/2018 09:03

Just told my DH this, as he's only just started CF ( always called it a cult) & he's asked if he's grown a beard & had some tats yet.

Transformed my life (tho still middle-aged + invisible) but I can see why he might have his head turned. Heard it happens.

Cf is very lifestyle-orientated but I would also think mid-life crisis. Happened to a neighbour, nicest bloke you'll ever meet. Went out, partied one night, came back, announced he was bored & morphed into the biggest twat ever. Never changed back. Was very sad.