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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Inappropriate crush... help, I’m married!

42 replies

Sunmoonstarsky · 30/05/2018 08:11

Hi, I’ve read many threads and seen lots of good advice. Please help me with my case, SOS!

I’ve been married for more than a decade. We have kids. Our marriage has had its ups and downs, but overall it is intact with no major incident.

I meet good-looking, intelligent, available/unavailable men occasionally as part of my job, but in one decade I’ve felt zero desire to be with another person.

Six months ago, unexpectedly, I met a dashing (at least to me) ex-military man who’s now in tech. Combined with his athletic background is his deep intelligence. I love his voice and calm. I meet him from time to time at events, but it’s all very professional. Secretly, I wanted more.

Recently, he messaged me to say hello about something random, and I asked him out for coffee. That hour or so was the best hour I had IN MY LIFE. After that, we agreed to meet up for coffee someday but nothing transpired. I feel he MAY like me too except I’m bloody married of course.

I finally told my husband I have a crush that I can’t shake off and that I met him for a meal. He was sad but said he would fight for my love (?) as he knew we had taken a backseat to the kids.

Much as I want to work on my marriage, I am planning to meet this guy and confess my true feelings for him, at the risk of losing everything I have built with my spouse. I feel such a connection, that this guy could be my soulmate. It’s not even sexual... it’s more like, I’ve been searching for you all my life kind of sorrow. Why did he only appear now? Anyway, he may just decide not to get involved with a married woman and laugh at my foolishness.

Someone, please help me! Should I just bury this inappropriate crush six-feet deep, or should I risk everything, my kids, and I have built up in my life for something this rash? Why am I harming my otherwise serene and happy family?

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 30/05/2018 08:13

What is missing in your marriage?

MrsSchadenfreude · 30/05/2018 08:16

Walk away. Seriously. Do not confess your “feelings” for him, or you will look like a nutter. Crushes can be painful, but please do not act on them. It can’t end well. If you can’t enjoy his company purely on a work colleague basis, walk away. Imagine him with poo stripes in his boxers, and a shirt spattered with dinner. He is a fantasy in your mind - this may be the reality.

workinprogressmum · 30/05/2018 08:17

I feel sad for your husband :( is it just limerance / the fact this guy is new that is exciting?

Original poster
Sunmoonstarsky · 30/05/2018 08:20

My husband is emotionally accessible and dependable. Everything I could ask for. He’s got flaws, but otherwise he’s a really sweet person. But I wouldn’t describe him as my soulmate, if that’s even realistic to ask for.

I never understood the phrase “the heart wants what the heart wants” until now...

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunmoonstarsky · 30/05/2018 08:21

Thanks @mrsshadenfreude you made me laugh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunmoonstarsky · 30/05/2018 08:24

@workinprogressmum I feel very sad for my husband too.

Although I’ve not done anything that I would regret YET, I cried for my husband, marriage and kids for hours last night. Because I felt an insidious force tearing us apart that I can’t control.

OP posts:
ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 30/05/2018 08:26

DONT DO IT!!!! I've been in the exact same situation, did exactly the same as you and lost everything. It really isn't worth it, trust me!! Now I wish I could turn back time and ignore my stupid crush as it cost me everything.

ittakes2 · 30/05/2018 08:32

You spent an hour with him and you think it was the best hour of your life and he is your soul mate? You said it yourself - you have a crush. Look at your life and what you don't like about it, rather than seeking a distraction from your life in this man.

FabulouslyFab · 30/05/2018 08:36

Noooo! You will ruin your friendship. Everything is in your imagination.
Walk away. Be strong. Treasure your family and what you have already x

Original poster
Sunmoonstarsky · 30/05/2018 08:36

I agree with you @ittakes2 it sounds very foolish. But I’ve actually met him on many other occasions before, and the crush was already full-blown by then. Yes, please feel free to douse me with cold water. Heck, a virtual slap too!

OP posts:
HollyGibney · 30/05/2018 08:39

Although I’ve not done anything that I would regret YET, I cried for my husband, marriage and kids for hours last night. Because I felt an insidious force tearing us apart that I can’t control.

But you can control it. You've just got the hots for someone that's all. It's all actually very ordinary and cliched, nothing special at all. I do not advocate staying in unhappy marriages, I understand how affairs can happen, I don't vilify people who have them, we are all human and only get one life but don't tell yourself that this anything different or special or there's a higher force driving it. You want to shag him and that's basically what is driving this.

blackeyes72 · 30/05/2018 08:40

This is definitely a crush. You can't know someone well after just an hour or two or in fact even longer. Even if he likes you, he might get scared if you do what you are planning to.

PearsandCustard · 30/05/2018 08:42

You absolutely CAN control it. If you allow this to wreck your marriage it is through choice and self-indulgence. There is no such thing as 'soulmates' in the sense of one perfect romantic partner, that's a BS concept used to peddle books to lonely and desperate people. What you're feeling is infatuation which wears off quickly under the stark light of reality, choose to stop indulging in it, it really is that simple.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 30/05/2018 08:42

It doesn't sound like ex-army/tech crush is keen on you, though, does it? You had to ask him out, it only lasted an hour and never happened again. It's hardly Wuthering Heights. Confused

I wouldn't throw a marriage away on the strength of one coffee.

For all his "I'll fight for you!" words, your DH could already be feeling like it's all a bit too much like hard work.

Only pursue this if you are 100% sure that you could accept ending up without either of these men in your life, because I'd say that's a very definite risk.

Original poster
Sunmoonstarsky · 30/05/2018 08:43

Thank ladies... I’m thinking of speaking with a marriage counsellor on my own to figure out how to improve my marriage and suppress this ridiculous crush. I really need professional help ASAP....

OP posts:
IttyBittyKitty · 30/05/2018 08:45

"Because I felt an insidious force tearing us apart that I can’t control."

That insidious force is YOU, though, your feelings, and though it ain't easy, you CAN control them. Toss aside the lust and excitement and soulmate-like feelings for a while and spend some time really imagining what it might be like to split up with your husband, how it would affect him, your kids, but also you. The reality and fantasy aren't remotely similar.

QueenOfMyWorld · 30/05/2018 08:45

You are v lucky your dh has reacted like this,most would tell you to piss off.Imagine how heartbroken he is you should be ashamed.

MrsSchadenfreude · 30/05/2018 08:46

But you can control it, and only you can. I had similar with a work colleague a few years ago. It was mutual, and we got very close. Touching, even. Could he have been my soulmate? Yes, absolutely. Worth risking our marriages for? Definitely not. Fortunately we had this realisation at the same time, put distance between us and now have virtually no contact. I’ve seen him twice at work functions in the past year. The spark is still there, we chat minimally and walk away at the end. Occasional work contact, and the odd text message, usually involving work or an update on what colleagues are up to. It was painful, but it was the right thing to do.

FrustratedBeyond · 30/05/2018 08:47

It sounds like your DH is a wonderful man... If I told my DH I had a crush he'd leave me on the spot. Forget your lust and think with your head... Lose everything for what?

Blondielongie · 30/05/2018 08:47

Don't do it, just harbour your nice hour away as a nice memory to look back on.

Squeegle · 30/05/2018 08:49

You have to go no contact. It sounds so tempting and I can see why you are drawn to him but honestly it’s not worth it!

STS120 · 30/05/2018 08:50

It's very natural to find other men attractive. Your husband is looking at and crushing on women so don't be ashamed.

Racecardriver · 30/05/2018 08:50

It's interesting how your heart wants some random man you barely know more than the father of your children. I understand what you mean when you say you gave met your soul mate. It was like that for me when I met my husband. In many ways it still is, we are very compatible and very similar to the point that other people have remarked on it. But that doesn't mean that we are always happy together or that our marriage will last. Regardless for us it was different because we were both single. We were quite quick and impulsive as a result of the feeling but we both knew that we were doing the right thing. We were not betraying anyone, we were not putting our iwn feelings before any children. If my husband had been married I wouldn't have touched him with a barge pole. And if this man you have found is even remotely decent the only thing he will feel if you confess your feelings like this is disgust. If you feel as if your marriage iys over and you want to pursue someone else then leave your husband first, anything jess is profoundly disrespectful to everyone concerned.

Original poster
Sunmoonstarsky · 30/05/2018 08:50

@Queenofmyworld I disagree that I should feel ashamed. For one, I’m seeking help to avoid doing something foolish. I’m very rational and serious in person, so all this took me by surprise as well.

Trust me - I did NOT want this crush to appear. I wasn’t willing him into existence. Think about how many musical instruments or languages I could have picked up if I didn’t have to actively suppress my futile thoughts...

OP posts:
STS120 · 30/05/2018 08:51

If I told my DH I had a crush he'd leave me on the spot

Yes he would leave you, but he's doing the same.