Inappropriate crush... help, I’m married!

[Sunmoonstarsky]

Hi, I’ve read many threads and seen lots of good advice. Please help me with my case, SOS!

I’ve been married for more than a decade. We have kids. Our marriage has had its ups and downs, but overall it is intact with no major incident.

I meet good-looking, intelligent, available/unavailable men occasionally as part of my job, but in one decade I’ve felt zero desire to be with another person.

Six months ago, unexpectedly, I met a dashing (at least to me) ex-military man who’s now in tech. Combined with his athletic background is his deep intelligence. I love his voice and calm. I meet him from time to time at events, but it’s all very professional. Secretly, I wanted more.

Recently, he messaged me to say hello about something random, and I asked him out for coffee. That hour or so was the best hour I had IN MY LIFE. After that, we agreed to meet up for coffee someday but nothing transpired. I feel he MAY like me too except I’m bloody married of course.

I finally told my husband I have a crush that I can’t shake off and that I met him for a meal. He was sad but said he would fight for my love (?) as he knew we had taken a backseat to the kids.

Much as I want to work on my marriage, I am planning to meet this guy and confess my true feelings for him, at the risk of losing everything I have built with my spouse. I feel such a connection, that this guy could be my soulmate. It’s not even sexual... it’s more like, I’ve been searching for you all my life kind of sorrow. Why did he only appear now? Anyway, he may just decide not to get involved with a married woman and laugh at my foolishness.

Someone, please help me! Should I just bury this inappropriate crush six-feet deep, or should I risk everything, my kids, and I have built up in my life for something this rash? Why am I harming my otherwise serene and happy family?

I don’t think you should be ashamed of your feelings, that is a ridiculous thing to say; but I do think you have a choice about where to take those feelings

I don’t think you have anything to feel ashamed for! But please don’t act on your crush. Is he not married himself?

@Mrsschadenfreude unfortunately he is very single and attractive...

I am definitely placing him on a pedestal and for sure there’s lust and physical attraction involved. I aim to channel that lust back to my own husband....

But in the meantime, I MUST suppress my crush...

It doesn't sound like ex-army/tech crush is keen on you, though, does it? You had to ask him out, it only lasted an hour and never happened again.

This, this, this, OP!

I understand your feelings. Crushes are forces to be reckoned with. I don't want to discount any of your valid feelings or set your moral compass for you. I don't judge you in the least. You're human. Marriages have their ups and downs. I hope you find stability and balance again within your family home.

After that, we agreed to meet up for coffee someday but nothing transpired. I feel he MAY like me too except I’m bloody married of course.

Nothing transpired, OP. And that's where it's at.
Believe me, your being married wouldn't stop him if he too were in 'the heart wants what the heart wants' place.

Is there any way you can avoid dealing with him?

OMG OP - disengage your ‘teenage brain’ reconnect with everything your adult brain actually knows about life - stop projecting your ‘heart’s desires’ on to this virtual stranger (his shit stinks too you know!) and look up “limerence”. You’ve had a heavy shot (like the first time with heroine - it will give you a small taste of heaven, and then it will take everything you’ve ever had and drag you to hell!). You can’t rationally consider ending your children’s family life for some ‘chemistry’ fantasy can you?

Frankly, posting here has been the singular most useful thing I’ve done regarding this matter in six months.

You ladies gave me the proverbial wake up call. I will accept all proactive advice on how to CRUSH this crush.

All proactive advice is appreciated.

Op I disagree sorry

I don't think he's actually "interested" in you in the way you wish him to be. And even if he is interested in you, are you sure you're attracted to someone who is purposely putting himself between an otherwise happily married couple? Why would a good person want to break apart someone else's marriage on purpose?

You don't even know this man, he's probably not going to be the Prince charming that you think. No one is perfect. It was a bit silly to have met with him in the first place. I'm surprised your husband was so good about this, I would have expected my husband to walk out.
Your husband is actually willing to fight for you? He's your husband he shouldn't need to fight.

you need to go full no contact with this man. that is the only way you will get him out of your head.

you only want him because you cant have him. the grass is not always greener on the other side.

no contact starting now

Don't try and crush or repress the crush feelings. Acknowledge them but in the full light of the decision you have made that you are committed to your husband and that you are not going to take any action in the feelings. Don't seek out the other man, but when you do come across him at work, acknowledge your feelings to yourself but in the knowledge that he is not a real option because you are committed; you are not available.
Then work but in your marriage separately, but not in a way where you are comparing your real be life with your husband to how you imagine life might be with your crush.
If you do this I think the worst of your crush feelings will die down within a few months.

Thank you ladies... thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’ll be reading your comments when I feel weak and vulnerable...

If you work with him what you're planning to do might constitute sexual harassment. Are you prepared for your soulmate to report you to HR?

Your experience is perfectly normal - many married people experience it. Your intense attraction to this man is a sign that there's something missing in your life. A few chats with a counsellor should help you work it what that something is, & how you can remedy the situation.

The persona we present at work is very often nothing like the one our family and loved ones see. Be aware that your fantasy is unlikely to be anything close to reality.

There is a tiny chance that this crush will end up with everyone living happily ever after, and my money would be on it being one of the worst moves you are ever likely to make in your life.

Enjoy the feeling of experiencing a crush, but take things no further. Make no arrangements to meet him again. Never tell him how you feel. Apologise to your husband for what you have put him through.

Everyone’s comments are valid, but stay nice please...