Married with crush on married man

[Cantstopthinking]

I’m married, happily, but have developed a crush on a married man who I see fairly regularly and can’t really avoid.
There was a time when we got were messaging each other but it stopped abruptly from his side. My feelings started to settle and I thought about him less.
However we have bumped into each other a lot lately and the feelings have intensified, I’m thinking about him all the time and it’s driving me nuts.
I don’t want to over step the line, I wouldn’t have an affair, but I just can’t shake him out of my head.
Any words of wisdom from anyone who has been in this position?

Why was you texting him in the first place. Haven't you already overstepped the line depending on the context.

Think about his poor wife, that would be my advice.

Don't go near this man, if you had an affair and it was all found out, it's unlikely he will leave his wife for you..and you risk losing your husband and ending up on your own...is it really worth it...

If you really want to be with this man, then you shouldnt be with your husband (if you don't want him there will be plenty of other women who will, and doesn't he deserve to have someone who thinks about him, and not about another man)

You CAN stop thinking about this man, it's just an excuse saying you can't.. obviously you can control your mind and thoughts like a normal person and if you can't then you shouldnt be out in public

I'm sorry if you don't like my answer, but I'm never going to advise someone to cheat and to break up two marriages, cheats are the lowest of the low and wreck lives

I don’t want to cheat.
I want to get him out of my head.
It’s been like this for months now and it’s just getting ridiculous.
When we talk I can feel the sexual chemistry. I know it’s just that basic animal attraction, chemicals and stuff. But it’s hard to ignore. Biology has shot me in the arse.

Presumably you work for the same company so you need to transfer to another department, or look for another job. Out of sight, out of mind.

Was the previous messages flirty or work related?

"Biology has shot me in the arse"

Is that you trying to find excuses to shag him OP?

I think so

Exercise a bit if self control and stop think about him. There us bkthing in this, it is all in your head. If you find yourself think about him immediately start thinking about something else. If you really struggle it may be useful to switch him for a random celebrity so that you can still gave your romantic/sexyal thoughts not about your husband but in a way that is less distressing to you.

I’ve never experienced this before.
I genuinely do want to get over it.
He’s not even good looking.
It’s pure chemistry.
And it’s fucking annoying.

@Cantstopthinking.

You are totally bypassing my question, which tells me you have already been inappropriate.

Yes they were a little flirty at times, mostly not, but the occasional sexual undertone from him. It stopped very abruptly and no messaging since. Obviously slippery slope which I should not have entertained.

Can’t totally avoid him.

His wife has seen the messages. I'd leave him alone now.

The wife has seen the messages is my guess.

Yep the wife knows.

Fgs what kind of person sends flirty texts to a married man.

It’s totally out of character for me. Initiated by him. I think I got caught up in the moment. Should have known better. I think he has previous form. I most definately do not.

Can’t stop

I get the whole chemistry thing I really do-

Stripping that all aside- you say he initiated it.

You have to seriously ask yourself what kind of a prize twat treats his family and person he’s supposed to love and cherish- the type you’re gushing all over.

If he’d treat her that way- take a second to imagine how he would treat you when he’s done with you.

obviously you can control your mind and thoughts

Umm, this kind of statement strikes me as utterly bonkers. You reckon people choose to have OCD, say? PTSD? Depression? Anxiety? People's minds and feelings are complicated, and we don't really "control" them.

Sympathies OP.
This will pass. Just act completely properly, no matter what your mind is doing, and wait. It will go in the end. Good luck.

Simply stop the contact, don't engage in the conversation, restrain yourself. Think what would happened if your husband would find out, how hurt he would be? How hurt would you be finding out messages like that on his phone? you want to risk your marriage? No. So, no contact :)

Sooner or later it will fade away.

Thank you.
It’s really very difficult.
I’ve always been so black and white about these things but turns out none of us are immune.
I’m finding it really tough. It’s not fun.

Feelings like this can be very powerful and it's really easy to get carried away and do things that you'll regret later. But you're already aware of that.

It's hard to make feelings go away completely, but you can challenge your thoughts about the situation. You might think he'd be a great kisser, but maybe he's not. Maybe he's a selfish lover and crap in bed. Maybe he's got lots of really annoying habits that you don't know about. Maybe he's uncommunicative and thoughtless as a partner - you already know he's thoughtless enough to send flirty texts to someone who isn't his wife.

Whatever fantasies you've built up, they're almost certainly better than the reality. If you find yourself thinking about how great he is, spend a bit of time thinking more realistically about things that might potentially be less appealing about him. You won't want to do this, of course, because it's more pleasant to indulge the fantasy. But if you want to stop feeling like this you need to get on top of the thoughts that are fuelling the feelings.

For goodnesss sake grow up. You are acting in a ridiculous fashion. He belongs to someone else and you have responsibilities.

By the way, the advice to "just stop thinking about him" is actively unhelpful. There's a famous experiment (DO NIT THINK OF A WHITE ELEPHANT! Guess what happens...) that shows this. Let your head do what it does. I say, just keep doing what you're doing and don't make any unnecessary contact. Crushes can be quite painful. But in a few months this will all have passed and one day you'll realise you're not thinking about him any more.

*DON'T, not DO NIT

I don’t want to cheat.
I want to get him out of my head.
It’s been like this for months now and it’s just getting ridiculous.
When we talk I can feel the sexual chemistry.
I know it’s just that basic animal attraction, chemicals and stuff.

chorus
But it’s hard to ignore.
Biology has shot me in the arse.
But it’s hard to ignore.
Biology has shot me in the arse.
chorus

I’ve never experienced this before.
I genuinely do want to get over it.
He’s not even good looking.
It’s pure chemistry.
And it’s fucking annoying.

Is it a song by Nicki Minaj? Are you Nicki Minaj?

The wife knows.

Think of the conversation they've had about you and how sorry they feel for your poor husband and how you're making a tit out of him. Does he deserve that!

I get it op. I think people have been harsh, you've clearly said you don't want anything to happen, although if I found flirty texts from my dh to another woman I'd be very upset.
I have the same thing, minus the texting. I would never want anything to happen, but I do think of him often. I tell myself not to, but I can't help it, he just pops in to my head.
I am starting to realise that a) I haven't had many good male friends, more casual acquaintances and I guess I need to work on that
b) I'm missing the excitedness of a new relationship and kind of avoiding focusing on some things dh and I could do with working on in our relationship.