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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Paranoid boyfriend, advice please?

45 replies

Gaypoh · 29/05/2018 21:37

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Today 21:33 Gaypoh

We've been together for 6 months. I'm at a total loss right now. I love him to bits but he has begun to poison my feelings for him.
At the start I knew he had had some past problems with cocaine, but I didn't know the full extent.
Things were great for the first few months. Then he got a job and started staying out later and later. He's been staying with me a lot as was in the process of getting his own place. Lately I only see him on a morning, then he's coming home 10pm obviously off his face.i try talking to him, but he is only really sober mornings I think and then he has to go to work.
Hes started to get scarily paranoid. He thinks I am cheating. I can barely have a conversation with him now unless it's about my none existent cheating. Im at home all day alone mainly yet he still thinks I'm up to no good. He thinks something is up if there's a picture off kilter on the wall, a cupboard left open, if I buy new stuff. I'm always asking him to take me out but he hasn't for ages, just says he needs to work. Yet there's never any money. The other day I went out with my friends to the beach, he said he didn't believe I had gone there and even said the pictures I took there, for his benefit, were old photos. In bed last night he said I tasted of another man! He's also paranoid about the books I read as I like horrors etc, he's been taking my books and throwing them away. He's also now smashed three of my phones.
Do you think it's the drugs or a mental illness? I don't know what to think or do, but I'm feeling controlled and I think it's emotional abuse..I'm starting to act shady around him.but it's because I'm constantly worrying over what he thinks.
He kept ringing last night but I wouldn't answer. I messaged him to say I can't be around him till he gets help. My head just feels so confused at the moment.

Gaypoh

Subject:

My boyfriend is being paranoid and abusive...advice please.

Message:

We've been together for 6 months. I'm at a total loss right now. I love him to bits but he has begun to poison my feelings for him.
At the start I knew he had had some past problems with cocaine, but I didn't know the full extent.
Things were great for the first few months. Then he got a job and started staying out later and later. He's been staying with me a lot as was in the process of getting his own place. Lately I only see him on a morning, then he's coming home 10pm obviously off his face.i try talking to him, but he is only really sober mornings I think and then he has to go to work.
Hes started to get scarily paranoid. He thinks I am cheating. I can barely have a conversation with him now unless it's about my none existent cheating. Im at home all day alone mainly yet he still thinks I'm up to no good. He thinks something is up if there's a picture off kilter on the wall, a cupboard left open, if I buy new stuff. I'm always asking him to take me out but he hasn't for ages, just says he needs to work. Yet there's never any money. The other day I went out with my friends to the beach, he said he didn't believe I had gone there and even said the pictures I took there, for his benefit, were old photos. In bed last night he said I tasted of another man! He's also paranoid about the books I read as I like horrors etc, he's been taking my books and throwing them away. He's also now smashed three of my phones.
Do you think it's the drugs or a mental illness? I don't know what to think or do, but I'm feeling controlled and I think it's emotional abuse..I'm starting to act shady around him.but it's because I'm constantly worrying over what he thinks.
He kept ringing last night but I wouldn't answer. I messaged him to say I can't be around him till he gets help. My head just feels so confused at the moment.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/05/2018 21:43

It doesn't really matter if it's the drugs or MH, he's abusive and a risk to you. You need to get out permanently. 6 months and it's like this?

Bananarama12 · 29/05/2018 21:46

What are you confused about. Get rid. Do you want to live the rest of your life like that?

hmmwwyd · 29/05/2018 21:48

Who cares why. From someone who's been in an abusive relationship... leave now. You can get support to leave.

Don't tip him off. Make plans for the breakup and going NC once you're out.

6 months ?! It always gets worse, trust me. Don't wait for that. x

Gaypoh · 29/05/2018 21:49

I know, I think I just needed some reassurance that what I'm feeling is right.
He seems so hurt like he's going through hell in his mind, but I am too because of this. I literally can't argue with him because nothing I say makes any difference. I'm just sad because I love the guy I thought he was, seems there's nothing I can do. And I definitely feel it is abuse, at least emotionally.

OP posts:
Gaypoh · 29/05/2018 21:50

I just feel like a sitting duck here if he comes knocking. I live on my own and I'm a soft hearted person. But every time I let him in it starts lately

OP posts:
hmmwwyd · 29/05/2018 21:51

Yeah I was with one of those. Tried rescuing him. It's just a trap for your good nature sometimes... attention seeking.

You CANT help him. You CAN help you.

PastBananas · 29/05/2018 21:53

Definitely abusive. He is horrible to you. There is no point at all in continuing this relationship.
Sorry Flowers

Gaypoh · 29/05/2018 21:58

Feels like the only reason he comes here is to torture me with his false accusations. It seems to me they've come from nowhere, but I feel like I'm acting shady even when I'm not, just cos im on eggshells about what he's going to think.
I thought we had such a great connection, but he's poisoning it with his ways. I've asked him to get help for drugs/his mental health but barely get a response if any.

OP posts:
hmmwwyd · 29/05/2018 22:02

Yeah the connection is BS. They do that. Love-bombing, future faking, gaslighting, attention seeking...

It's only been 6 months and I'm sure he's in your head in a big way due to his methods. Just keep telling yourself - at LEAST it's only been 6 months out of your life and don't let it go on for longer.

ByeMF · 29/05/2018 22:03

Six months? Sorry to sound heartless but it's a him problem not a you problem. You need to stop all contact. You can't help him. You can't change him. Just look after yourself.

Gaypoh · 29/05/2018 22:09

Yeah I guess you're all right. It's just sad that people go on like this, for what reason I wonder. I'd never think of cheating, but I can't stand to feel controlled. He seems to genuinely believe the things he says. Ugh

OP posts:
hmmwwyd · 29/05/2018 22:13

No abuser thinks they're an abuser. They are though

They only realise it when its physical often

Mine turned physical- still justifies it I think in his own head to friends and family

waterrat · 29/05/2018 22:17

Hi Op - I had a relationship when I was younger with someone who was paranoid because of drug use so I understand that you are wondering where this is coming from.

Please get out - he is violent and needs medical attention. If you think he is actually having a psychotic breakdown of some kind can you tell his parents? Or his doctor? Please don't try to 'fix ' him or his paranoid thoughts. It's not safe and you aren't capable of doing it.

He may have triggered a mental illness through drug use - or he may be your average garden abusive wanker - but you are not his doctor. He could be a serious risk to you and there is NOTHING you can say that will get past the paranoia.

Please get out of this situation - 3 phones smashed?! Even when psychotic my ex never behaved violently - violence and mental illness are not even linked.
I

AmazingPostVoices · 29/05/2018 22:19

Some questions to ask yourself:

Why you didn’t dump him after the first time he came to see you high?

Why you didn’t dump him the first time he smashed your phone?

Or the second?

Or the third?

Why you didn’t ask him to leave the first time he falsely accused you of cheating on him?

Why are you allowing him to throw away or break your things?

Why are you allowing this man over your doorstep let alone into your bed?

Why after only six months are you allowing this man to ruin your life?

Ignore words, focus on actions.

Dump him, change your locks, block him on all social media, phone and email.

Work on your boundaries.

There’s kind and soft hearted and then there’s foolish doormat.

Take care of yourself %first^

Gaypoh · 29/05/2018 22:22

Yes, he has broken 3 phones and has vandalized my car too. This phone I'm on now is practically in half from where he tried to squash it last night, before calling me a slag and storming out.
He swears he's never paid his hands on a woman...but I don't know. It's worrying.

OP posts:
Gaypoh · 29/05/2018 22:24

Your words ring very true unfortunately.

OP posts:
TuTru · 29/05/2018 22:24

Try & get out of this now before it’s too late xx

Limpopobongo · 29/05/2018 22:24

Get Rid...

notacooldad · 29/05/2018 22:25

Save yourself -not him.

rosesandponies · 29/05/2018 22:28

It's not your job to fix him. Point him in the direction of help - his GP and/or local MIND group would be a good start - and then you MUST leave. If you're worried about his safety or your own safety, for example if he starts making threats to hurt himself or damage your property when you leave, then talk to the police who can help you both. Please get out, it's what's best for him too. Sending love and good thoughts your way

AmazingPostVoices · 29/05/2018 22:35

He seems to genuinely believe the things he says. Ugh

It doesn’t matter what he believes.

It’s irrelevant.

There is absolutely no point in trying to defend yourself to a paranoid drug user.

forumdonkey · 29/05/2018 22:40

He's broke 3 phones, vandalised your car, goes out and doesn't come home until 10pm, you never go out and he accuses you of cheating and you've only been together 6 months. Dump his sorry arse. Is he paying his way while he's living with you or is he sponging off you as well as abusing you?

Gaypoh · 29/05/2018 22:48

Sponging basically. 😑

OP posts:
NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 29/05/2018 22:50

Do not engage with him anymore.

He is dangerous.

Please be careful. I hate to stereotype but hardened drug user and paranoia + violence would tell me he would do anything in anger.

MeanTangerine · 29/05/2018 22:51

Police.