Loneliness

[Dan89]

I realise this is an odd place for a 33-year-old guy, to post, but I came across a thread from a few years ago on loneliness and felt I needed to share my story.

In 2013, I broke up with my first girlfriend. We'd been together between the age of 21-29. We had good times, but it ended badly – she left me for someone else and told me over text.

After wallowing for several months, I got myself into gear and set about getting a career I could be proud of. This involved returning to study at the age of 31 and moving to London where I didn’t know anyone. I had assumed that everyone on my course would be in similar circumstances to me – free, single, and keen to make new connections. In fact, of the 50-odd people on my course, most already lived in London, and were already in long-term relationships. Of the 8 guys on the course, I was the only one without a girlfriend.

I did make wonderful friends, but I also began to feel lonely, particularly coming home each day by myself, to no-one, and feeling that everyone else was going home to a significant other. I did join clubs, and I had regular social outings with friends. I made a concerted effort to get to know people and was even told that I was the most sociable person on the course. I had plenty of people to do things with, but I had no-one to do “nothing” with.

Weekends were the worst. My friends were always tied up with family, existing friends, or partners. In two years in London, I can probably count on two hands the number of times I saw friends on a weekend. I had to set myself targets of talking to 10 random people just so that I had some interaction.

I really started to miss having that special someone, or at least the possibility. There was a girl on the course I thought something could develop with, but I misread it completely and was more-or-less rejected out of hand.

When other people say they are single, it seems they just don’t yet have an official title with anyone and are free to see whoever they want. When I say I’m single, it means I have not felt the affectionate touch of another human being in almost 5 years, and it’s been so long since I’ve kissed anyone that I’m afraid I’ve forgotten how. I feel in some awful catch-22 situation where I need to have confidence to do something about the loneliness, but feel unconfident because I’m lonely and feel there must be something wrong with me. It doesn’t help I was bullied as a child and have hang-ups about my physical appearance – I had a cleft lip that was corrected but I still have a scar, and slight speech impediment as a result. I need to wear hearing aids which makes me feel old and ugly. I can make friends with most girls but, apart from once, I have never felt that anyone views me as someone they would go out with.

I have now moved back home to start my career and really enjoy my job. I still find however, that even working in a female-dominated industry, most of the women I meet at work are in relationships, and any that aren’t are in their very early-20s and just seem too young. I rarely see anything of my friends from home and most of them are married and it feels like they fit me in as and when.

I put on a good front, but inside it does get quite painful and feels like I’m someone who is just going to be lonely. I guess I am not really asking for advice or sympathy, but the hardest thing is that it feels taboo to say to anyone that you feel lonely, and what if I do spend the rest of my life alone?

I can’t scream it from the rooftops, as much as I would like to, but I feel now at least I have broken my silence. Maybe I can find some solace in that.

Your really brave to share your story on here and I hope you feel a sense of release at least. I can totally symphasise with your story. I really admire your determination in trying to change your situation and your postivity and willingness to keep going.

You sound really lovely and you write very well. I think as long as you keep going trying to meet someone in lots of different situations you will really come into your own in your 30s when many women are looking for someone genuine. Hearing aids are no problem, I work with several young people with them and it hasn't stopped them getting partners. Volunteering can be good for meeting people too. Good luck!

Hi, I am lonely too been on my own 6 years and seem to be the only single person at my work and worry I will remain single, just wanted to say you are not alone. I think there are more lonely people than we are aware of. by coincidence my daughter was born with a cleft lip and has a hearing aid. Have you had any support from clapa?

Breaking silence and putting it all down is a pretty brave step. I have got into trying to write a journal, in the mornings, as part of my commute. No content too mundane, self regarding, or fragmented. It is a riveting read most of the time (not), but there are certainly points where quite a lot of insight leaks out and it kind of corners you if you keep it up. Incidentally I never put anything onto paper for over 35 years. Someone told me not to, a long time ago, so I had quite a block about this until the activity above.

I don't think I have any wise or profound answers. I would only say, please don't pour everything you have got into work and work friends (which is really easy and tempting to do). I regret this, a few years on, but changing now is really hard and I am a frustrated backslider. Do a couple or more other things that you enjoy, that make you happy or inspired, ideally one of them which gives you a chance to meet others of various sexes and relationship situations and even ages. If you think these things are a bit costly, make space so you can give money/resources to them. Try out new things if you feel like it and be prepared for things to go onto tangents you likely would never have expected.

OK, I will stop sounding like clickbait now!

Why don’t you join us on the dating thread? It helps when I feel like the only single person in the world!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3238983-Lets-have-a-bit-of-Summer-Lovin-Dating-Thread-133

I feel very lonely too. Not much help, but you’re not alone in that x

Gosh you sound so lovely, and like you're in pain. I'm sorry.

Can you try online dating?
I have a male friend who was chronically lonely and he met a lovely girl via tinder and they are very happy together. They'd not have met without an app to introduce them.

Here's a weird secret, I think cleft lip repair scars are gorgeous and interesting looking! And slight lisps are frequently adorable on men.

There is nothing as hard on a human being as loneliness. My heart goes out to you and i hope it's not long until this season of your life comes to an end.

I have been lonely too. Sometimes the only person I would speak to wash on the cash desk at my local supermarket.

I don’t know if it helps to remember that we are all one badly handled conversation from being on our own too.

I’d like to pretend that you will find a relationship regardless of your insecurities, but we live in a superficial society. Make sure you feel confident by focusing on a few important points- if you think you look good, you will feel more confident and out going.

Create your own checklist of a well groomed man - have a good haircut and wear nice fashionable clothes. If you wear glasses, choose fashionable ones. Play up your best points, eyes? Physique? Keep clean and smell lovely. Wear cool shoes. Make sure your hands and teeth are spotlessly clean. Spend a bit of money on Groupon etc to spoil yourself- it doesn’t have to cost a fortune. All of these things are the sort of things women do to feel attractive in themselves and more and more men are starting to see the advantage of looking after themselves too.

But please bear in mind that you souund brave, and lovely and grounded and never change that.

Best of luck

I have just read the post before mine. I didn’t put this in my post, but one of the sexist men I knew in my younger days had a scar from a cleft lip which affected his speech a bit. He was seriously hot. Not because of the scar specifically, but because he thought he was the bees knees. He wasn’t all that at all, but he convinced me because he was convinced himself.

Fellow man here who has not been on a date in over 7 years, been single for 8 after an 11-year relationship of which the last few years were non-sexual. So I can beat your lack of human touch for 5 years by more than double that and I'm 44.

Done online dating and all that. My problem is that I am child free and don't want children or to be a step parent, so my dating pool is considerably restricted. I really can't change that.

I hear you though. I have lots of friends but most of them are married and coupled and weekends are particularly hideous. I socialise a lot, joined lots of clubs but of course the vast majority of people my age are married or coupled, so have minimal free time and weekends are, of course, family time.

LeChat With respect, as someone who has been on the dating thread, if you're not actively dating, and see people talking about going on three dates in one week, or having lots of irons on the go, really ISN'T helpful at all. It makes you feel weird because everyone else seems to have all these dates going on so what's wrong with you?

Confidence is the ultimate attractive feature in either sex, so work on that. On the flip side nothing turns people off more than what I call the 'stink of death', ie desperation, people can see it coming a mile off and will avoid you accordingly. Work on you career and hobbies and when you are successful people will want to be around you.

That’s so easy to say m0vin but in my experience it isn’t true.

I am definitely not desperate. I think my problem is possibly the opposite - that I’m too independent and can push people away.

I work, and was once very successful; the youngest leader in the organisation. I took a step back because of a serious health problem but I’m working my way back up. I volunteer. I have hobbies.

Any love interest? Not a flicker.

Shatner that’s certainly not the case at the moment on there. And I only mentioned it in case the OP was thinking about dating.

Shatner...do you promote yourself as not wanting children? Won't older women who had kids young fall into your age/interest bracket? I understand the challenge of taking on a family, but grown up children would cause minimal difficulty. I have read your posts before but don't know your age. Have you considered women a bit older than you? There are some seriously lovely women out there looking for a younger (than them) man.

Fuckwithno When I was online dating, yes I did. I've given up now. My ex didn't want kids and was 10 years older than me, so I have no problem with someone a few years older but I wouldn't go a lot older again as it most definitely became an issue in wanting different things due to our respective ages. I'm now 44. I don't really want to date someone with kids because next come grandkids!! I have a goddaughter, so I don't hate kids, but an hour or two occasionally and being favourite uncle is enough for me.

You sound like a super nice person, so I am sure you will find someone.

Just wanted to say being lonely is becoming fairly normal in this country. I am married with 2 dc and still feel lonely at times. It is a lack of community and lack of togetherness I miss the most. No one just drops in anymore, everyone is buried in the phones and I could run down the lane with no clothes on with flashing fairy lights and I doubt anyone would even look up.

You are brave to explain it so eloquently here, and I could go on with my lists of meeting people is very good at sailing clubs, gym, book clubs or local pubs with smaller gatherings. Failing all of that what about a lodger or even just one friend from work you meet every Friday?

You sound lovely OP.

Another guy here, age 38, never had anything more than a couple of 4-6 month relationships and the odd few dates which I only managed to get once dating apps were invented.

I know I lack confidence and being told by every woman you've ever fancied that you're sweet and lovely doesn't really help.

I used to be ok about it all but hitting my late 30s and seeing pretty much every friend I have get together with someone, married, kids, etc is quite soul destroying. I put up a shield on the outside and if you were to meet me you would think I had everything together but in truth coming home from work to an empty flat and sometimes going entire weekends without speaking to anyone really gets me down.

That sounds like me, rich

Thanks to everyone for their responses - sorry this is a bit delayed. In truth when I originally posted I did just want to get some distance. I went through a stage of regretting I'd posted, to actually feeling some sense of release. I haven't felt too bad this last week.

It's comforting in some ways to know other people are going through the same kind of thing.

In response to Fuckwithnosensesauce - one of the first things I did after my breakup was overhaul my sense of style (or at least get some) and I think I actually dress quite well now. I used to get bullied a lot when I was younger and I think that's where the majority of my self doubt has come from. I have never had one comment about the way I look or sound since becoming an adult but that doesn't stop me being aware of things in my own mind or wondering whether people are judging me.

I haven't done online dating, and to be honest I don't really have the confidence to do so. I have a few female friends who do/did it, and some of the things they say about a a guy based on only one picture has put me right off. I have considered joining up but putting my location as a different city, just to see if I can actually get a conversation started with anyone.

richdeniro - I feel very similar in that on the outside you would never know I have been feeling low. Most of my friends don't know, and the ones that do all live back in London or further. It's hard to be vulnerable. Taking care of yourself, looking good, dressing well, having interests is all good advice to do for your own benefit, but it doesn't always guarantee that you will make friends or attract the opposite sex. You see all sorts of guys - fat, thin, short, tall, well-dressed, looking like they were dragged through a hedge, charismatic and dull as dishwater - with girlfriends which in a way doesn't help when you feel like the only one who can't get any romantic interest.

Anyway, I didn't want to end this on a downer. I really am genuinely thankful for all the replies and the show of support/solidarity. I will keep going and hopefully the stars can eventually align in my favour

Therein lies the problem, women like confidence. Work on building your confidence sports, training in a group martial arts etc allow you to build self-esteem. Tackle that before you jump into the online dating pit.

Definitely try meetups or an online dating app even just to meet women for a coffee and a chat. That'll help you develop some confidence.

Like PP said sport and other activities too. Crossfit seems to be popular, yoga class would have loads of women there. :)

Shatners am in sorta the same boat. Kids are grown and gone. Not interested in having more or raising someone elses kids. Am interested in traveling around with someone.

Hi OP
I'm late 20's and know exactly what you mean as I'm in a similar position.
Can't really add much to what's been said already but just a friendly 'you're not alone'.

Have you tried the meetup website for your area? People organise get together for anything they are interested in. There will be meetups for all sorts of hobbies. I joined a book club on it. There may also be weekend meetup groups too. It’s free to browse so worth a try?