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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner paying ex maintenance

67 replies

Bex2311 · 29/05/2018 20:47

Just opinions please...
So my fiance who I live with and am pregnant to is out off work atm He has a daughter to a previous relationship and pays his ex 30/40per week... I have a six year old and am 12 weeks pregnant... I work part-time and pay all the bills. Including food shopping. I don't receive any money from my fiance. Is this fair? I feel awful but he is living in this house and not contributing financially at all.

OP posts:

Thingsdogetbetter · 29/05/2018 21:52

Also find it strange that his miraculous new job doesn't start for another two months. Have you seen anything in writing or is it something he's said when you mentioned money? Have you seen proof of his paying maintenance to ex? Still wondering what happened his previous job. And how quickly he moved in and then how quickly he lost job.

SingleDingle · 29/05/2018 21:54

DC = Kids? What’s the arrangement with his daughter?

Original poster

Bex2311 · 29/05/2018 22:05

His job does really start in a few months I've seen proof. And it is a good career to be fair. And he did give me money every week when he was working like clock work. He had to leave his job due to health reasons (genuine)
His child... He sees very often. I rarely see. He has health conditions and would make it difficult for him to stay ( not my words or descion i would have him here anytime )
I don't see alot of him as her poor little mind is in a terrible place as well. Needless to say my story has more than meets the eye..

OP posts:

Lacucuracha · 29/05/2018 23:16

Tell him you can't afford to sub him and he needs to find money for half the bills and food, and some rent and council tax, or he needs to move out by 31 May so you can get council tax discount for June.

Gemini69 · 29/05/2018 23:42

Sorry OP.. I'm just getting back online...

Yes I meant.. the financial situation your in is unbalanced .. sorry I wasn't clear...

MsDugong · 30/05/2018 00:04

Does he contribute in any other ways while he cannot contribute financially, temporarily? Is he doing more housework, helping with your 6 year old more.....doing anything to ensure there is some kind of balance. Do you feel sure he will contribute when he is back in work and you will be financially okay as a family when you are on maternity leave?

Equal contributions in a relationship don't have to be financial necessarily but the equality should come somehow. If it's not you need to think why you are with him.

SandyY2K · 30/05/2018 08:38

Well if he was paying when he had a job, I don't think he's taking the piss. If this is the man you're going to marry, then it's okay.

He has to pay child support. Once he's back working, things will be back to normal.

MissVanjie · 30/05/2018 09:32

Honestly the more you say, the worse it sounds

Get rid of him he is bad news. Have a serious think about whether you want/can afford to raise this child alone (because that is what you will eventually end up doing whether you boot him now or not) and plan accordingly. And take this as a signal to work on your self esteem so you stop jumping into cohabiting and babies with random cocklodgers who are not good fathers by any decent standard. Yes, he pays for his child, so what? As others have said it is a pittance compared to the cost of raising her. And he ‘can’t’ have dc overnight due to health problems? Well, so a decent parent would move heaven and earth to get themselves in a situation where they can do that don’t they. if the child’s mother had that attitude s/he’d be in care wouldn’t s/he? Can you imagine a situation where you ‘couldn’t’ have your 6 yo overnight? Honestly, where are your standards?

Lovemusic33 · 30/05/2018 10:14

I think people are being a little harsh. This man has a job but doesn’t start it for 2 months? It sounds like he has tried to do a bit of work? He is continuing to pay maitanace for his other children. It’s seems it’s only a short term thing and once he’s working he will be able to pay his way again. As long as no children are starving and bills can be paid I don’t see why OP can’t sit it out. If he continue to be a dick once he’s working then think about kicking him out.

People on here are all to quick to shout ‘leave the bastard’, it’s not always that simple.

People on here are also quick to slag of men who don’t pay maitinance for their kids.

Aw12345 · 30/05/2018 10:19

Agree with @Myheartbelongsto... sit down and show him a spreadsheet of all the monthly costs... I'm always surprised when I do our finances just how many different bills there are... even the £12 (Approx) for TV license, £x on internet etc. They're not a lot in of themselves but they seriously add up! Then he can contribute at least 50%, sadly this is what being an adult is... working to pay bills.

Aw12345 · 30/05/2018 10:20

ps forgot to say, it's obviously a difficult situation for you because you love him but don't want to be a doormat. Stick up for yourself though, you and your unborn baby are worth it.

Lacucuracha · 30/05/2018 10:34

I bet he's still got money for himself (gym, nights out, drinks etc)

Beaverhausen · 30/05/2018 10:59

Wowsie you really need to tell him either he contributes or he needs to move out, fiance or no fiance. He has a responsibility at home, too and needs to make more of an effort to bring money in.

This is a particularly stressful time for you and you should not have to take care of a manchild along with everything else.

ThirdTimeUnlucky · 30/05/2018 11:39

I'm probably going to be unpopular but surely he should pay for his own living expenses before paying maintenance? His ex will be getting benefits regardless of how much he pays.
I personally don't think you should kick him out. Poor bloke lost his job but has a new one lined up. Support goes both ways.
I agree with other posters that you should both sit down and go through your monthly outgoings and incomings and agree on how this should be divided between you.

Gemini69 · 07/06/2018 09:18

Did you speak to him OP ?

inchoccyheaven · 07/06/2018 09:45

Only you really know if you think your dp is taking you for a ride or not and that when he is working again will be contributing to the household again.
It is good he takes his responsibilities for his child seriously and continues to pay maintenance.
I don't think £30/40 a week is a pitiful amount either and not sure how much an acceptable amount would be for some of the posters. Csa assessed mine for 2 kids at £60 a week and ex works fulltime so it seems reasonable.
If he has debts maybe he can get his payments reduced while out of work.

fluffyrobin · 07/06/2018 09:55

He can do all the housework and childcare and laundry, gardening, cooking, fixing jobs etc while living in your house for free: write him a list.

Twiddling his fingers while you are pregnant isn't on so it will give him self esteem to be proactive and helpful while living at your home.

If you do all the above and work while he does nothing then you are more than just a mug with ' use me ' emblazoned on it and he is calculating and clever and thanking his lucky stars he has found you!

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