Is there anyone here whose mother permanently walked out when they were a child?

[Poker888]

And the father got full custody? What was your experience? I'm looking to see if there are any others like me?

My dads the best, I'm really close to him. I think my mum would like to think I'm close to her too but I just don't have that bond with her.

My mother left me and my brother when I was 3 and he was 4. She left us home alone until our father came back from work. She just walked out and never came back. She flew off to another country to live with a man. She never came back for us. She went on to have two more children. After many years of hurt, anger, abuse etc I finally decided to find her only to learn that she had died about 6 months previously. I hate her and my father.

I am adopted mother left, father left before I was born. It's different I suppose as I have never heard from either of them again and my new parents were amazing, very mindful of how I might feel about things and were always positive about my mother. I think that's really important - children who feel they have been left for no reason more than a capricious mother abandoning them will have their primal sense of self wounded and I think it's of utmost importance for the other parent to be positive about the parent who has left and the reasons why they left otherwise that relationship is damaged along with the child's and then adults sense of self for the rest of their lives. I don't think it really matters why the mother or father left but it rarely is a wake up one morning and thinking I want to defy social conventions, be vilified by society because I fancy new dick like lots of left behind children are lead to beleive. Would you do that to your children? If not why not? It's not as easy as people are making out.

Some of these stories are heartbreaking but I can guarantee that all of you will make better mothers than the ones that left you.

Alijane46 my mother was also bipolar. I’m so sorry you lost your father that Way he sounds like a wonderful man. I agree it’s quite shocking to write your own childhood in a summary like that, but I also found it quite therapeutic and it’s reminded me where I’ve come from and who I am, and actually what strength I have. Thia thread is a real reminder about how amazing a good dad can be.

My mother effectively walked out on my two older brothers when they were young (5 and 1), when she was 18/19. She left them with my grandparents, married my father when they were 9 and 5, refused to have them live with us. I was born when they were 14 and 10. Today, they're both NC with her - and have been for years. I have a fantastic relationship with my oldest brother, but the one in between us...? No. He tried to kill me a few times and remains viciously bitter (understandably so) about the fact that our mother didn't leave me, too. She and I don't have a close relationship because I spent my childhood actually waiting for her to abandon me, like she had my brothers. When I had children, she expected me to "gift" her my oldest, because I was 20 when I had her and "wouldn't know how to be a mother". She was disappointed, though, because I'm nothing like her and despite my young age, knuckled down and got on with it. When I was pregnant with my son, though, she spent a lot of time trying to convince my then 8 year old daughter to go and live with her and my father, because I "wouldn't have time" for her.

Her sister, my aunt, also abandoned her first three children when they were 9, 7 and 3 (actually on the day after the youngest's third birthday). She flitted in and out of their lives for years, remarried and had another two children, whilst the older three lived full-time with their father. The oldest and youngest of the first three won't have anything to do with her, but the middle one has built a relationship with her since their father died a few years ago whilst she (my cousin) was pregnant and newly married.

I do wonder if it's learned behaviour, though. My mother was raised by her grandparents for the first 7 years of her life, whilst my grandmother "had a life". So perhaps in their minds it's acceptable and normal behaviour. I don't know. I do know that I could no more abandon my two children any more than I could abandon my right hand. My mother and my aunt have effectively lost their sons, though - and I think that's incredibly sad. But if their mother had been more responsible... perhaps they wouldn't have learned the art of abandonment in the first place.

My mother left when I was 5, the youngest of 4, including my half brother not my fathers son, so double whammy for dB. She later had a breakdown and was hospitalised.
I was later: separated from my siblings whilst living with relatives and then separated from my surrogate family when sent to boarding school.

I have a very weak sense of self and struggle with anxiety and depression. Non contact for nearly 6 months now and in therapy.

My Dad walked out the day I was born, my Mum walked out a year later.

I met my Dad 20 years later, never met my Mum.

Yes I was 14 when my mum left we have a good relationship now.

msnotmrs I totally agree with you about it being therapeutic and very grounding. I think it’s really good to remember who you are and where you come from. I think you aren’t always aware of your own strengths and sometimes seeing things in black and white makes you realise life isn’t always plain sailing and often difficult starts to life don’t always result in a difficult life. The tragedy of loosing my dad to suicide and not having a close bond with my mum hasn’t meant my life has been doomed. I appreciate my family and strive to give them a good life. I think my dads never ending love for his family taught me a great deal and even though I’ve experienced very sad and tough life events my live is still mostly a happy one.

Mum left me and sibling when I was 9. Ran off with an old school friend that she reconnected with. She moved down to England from Scotland and said she couldn't take us as she was living in a caravan and it wasn't a suitable environment to bring up kids . Also man she ran off with didn't have/like kids. Had an okay relationship with her (visited her on hols) up until the age of 18. Had 2 conversations with her after that which revolved around her and her problems ( I was pregnant with her first grandchild at the time but that didn't matter). I haven't had a relationship with her (properly at least) since I was 18 and I haven't spoken to her at all for 15 years. She has never seen/spoken to my kids. She speaks to my sibling. I believe from Fb she is now on husband no.3 and that she has 1 son and 3 stepdaughters (i.e. I don't exist). You have to cut that shit out of your life, some people are just all about themselves and not worth the effort......

Poker I know what it is like to be left with an abusive father. Physically and emotionally abusive. Even he (who maintains he did nothing wrong) describes himself as 'volatile' . Yet he is seemingly nice to my son. Just me he didn't/doesnt like. It is horrendous having to watch my son live with him, and to have no control. Like I'm a child again.

Some heartbreaking stories here.

I haven't experienced it myself, but I had some neighbours who did. Back in the late 1970s our neighbours were a seemingly normal family of mum, dad and 2 little girls around early primary age (same age as myself). One day one of the girls mentioned their older half brother. I had no idea what that (half sibling/brother) even meant. It turned out that the mother, who I'd always felt uncomfortable around anyway, had simply walked out on her first husband and three (then) very young children. I couldn't quite grasp this concept, so I have no idea how a child who was actually in that situation would make sense of it. Maybe some don't, ever.

Op, that's awful for you. My DSC live with us full time because their mum has addiction & MH issues, they do see her when shes having good spells but can go months with NC. Her relationship with my oldest DSC is not good and I think it might be beyond repair. My DH has been the main carer for most of their life - before I met him I had never met a dad who organised dentists, hobbies, packed lunches etc. Hes a lovely Dad though and it's so shit both your parents let you down so badly.

Yes, me.

She left when I was under 5, when my dad had an affair. She left of her own accord and moved 300 odd miles away. I was a complete and utter Mummys girl and really, really needed her. I don't remember anything about her leaving, apparently I have blocked it out.

I am now getting counselling. Her leaving has affected everything, from my relationships to my jobs. Massive fear of abandonment and rejection so I have always been in control of leaving.

I don't really know the woman. I see her every now and then and did go to visit her as a child. But I don't know anything about her really.

My mother left when me and my sibling were young teenagers and moved in with another bloke, miles away. My dad probably tried his best to look after us but he’s very unemotional and we ran wild and did whatever we wanted with no comment from him.

They have both let us down ever since too. She is always cancelling arrangements at the last minute and if we didn’t contact him we’d probably never hear from him. I feel they have let us both down massively and it’s affected our own relationships and self belief. It’s hard to feel full of confidence and self esteem when your own parents can’t be bothered with you.

I’m so envious of friends who are really close to their parents and have a Mum and Dad who would do anything for them.

My children are my whole world and the I’ll never behave towards them like my parents have to me.

Mine went when i was 6

Im now 30

She dipped in and out of my life when she could be arsed

We dont have a relationship
She doesnt understand why

Name changed

Op I was left with an autistic/ocd parent who was unable to provide emotional support and was emotionally abusive. I was having sex at 14 with a man from the church youth club. My dad knew. Dad was violent. Used to bring up fact that mum hadn't bothered to turn up to custody when he was angry.

He's now dying. I'm having to help him. He's still nasty. I feel so churned up. I wish I'd cut contact with him and mum years ago.

Are you sure you have to help him, is there any way to cut down or minimise what you do?

Such sad stories here. I have a different experience but I am sure although my eldest sister (half) doesn't ever say so, she feels abandoned by my Mum. My mum fell pregnant out of wedlock at the age of 19, catholic parents. She was forced to go to a mother and babies home and the plan was to have my half sister adopted. She had a horrendous four day labour, and when my grandmother went to visit her, she decided that although she already had 7 of her own children, she would take my mum and half sister home (to the shame of the catholic community).

My mum and grandmother raised her in the house, then my mum met my dad when she was around six months old. Again my Mum thought she was pregnant, married my father within 3 months. My father promised my Mum he would take on my half sister as his own, but for whatever reason (jealousy I suppose) he didn't keep his promise. My mum felt trapped, my grandparents became the full time carers for my half sister. My parents went on to have 3 children. I thought my half sister was my Auntie until I was 10 even though they never hid it from me.

The situation shaped us all, my half sister and I are very close (as she is to my mum now too), but it was always the elephant in the room. I remember feeling gulity she didn't have the same as us, but actually she will say now she had a great upbringing with my grandparents and she was adored by all my aunts and uncles. We used to have holidays together all 4 of us, and I remember even as a kid feeling the tension. My father to all intents and purposes is a good one, but insanely jealous my mum had a realtionship before him. My mum always (of course) felt resentful andf guilty of the fact she couldn't care for her like she wanted too.

There is a lot of bitterness and resentment from both my parents, after 44 years of marraige they recently separated. My sister is an amazing person, although she holds a lot of anger, it is not projected onto the family, she just simmers a lot of the time. In hindsight if she had come to live with us her life would probably have been made miserable by my father. So i don't know if it was the right decision. My mum has regrets but then she says she never is regreful as she had 3 more kids she wouldn't have had.

My Mum, Dad and Sister have never had therapy, they all kind of ignore it and pretend its ok, but its had lasting scars on all of us. I know my Mum has made as sure has she can that my half sister (and all of us) are loved deeply. She is a good woman, just one who got caught up in a shit situation at the time. The late 60s early 70s were a different time from now I suppose.