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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So angry with dp, just want to vent

35 replies

fedup1981 · 19/05/2007 19:38

Sorry this will be a long rant, I have to get it off my chest and I can't call anyone as he'll hear.

My arsehole dp is lying in bed asleep snoring his head off having left me in tears downstairs AGAIN.

He's such a lazy uncaring tosser. He says that I should be "less tired" (despite being 7 months pregnant) because apparently I sleep in til noon every day and "do nothing" around the house. (Because obviously rooms clean themselves)

Obviously my goal in life should be have a spotless house, perfectly crisp clean clothes hung in his wardrobe and his dinner on the table when he gets home, while simultaneously looking great and having interesting things to talk about every day when he gets home.

Of course the fact that I have no job, money or friends and the most excitement I get all week is the weekly shop doesn't factor into it, I should be ecstatically scrubbing his gussets every day and look forward to every weekend of staring at the back of his head while he watches tv/plays on the computer/generally sits on his fat arse and ignores me.

Woe betide I should ever ask him to DO anything, as I have no right as he works. And because he works (again, sitting on his arse in front of a computer, hardly manual labour) he's too tired to wash up/cook/put things actually into the bin as opposed to NEXT to the bin etc. And of course, weekends are his days off so I can't possibly ask him to do anything then either, can I?

He doesnt believe that I'm tired or achy, thinks I'm faking it, thinks I got pregnant so I don't have to work, and thinks that I got fired on purpose because I hate work. Despite the fact that I've had to borrow money from my family and I'm selling half my belongings this weekend to try and keep us afloat. Yes, I much prefer that!

He does NOTHING for me, EVER. Doesn't ever cook a single meal, not even a sandwich, doesn't do anything around the house or take me anywhere, never buys me ANYTHING ever (even when we had money he didn't) he works in IT but won't fix my computer, won't ever rub my back or do anthing thoughtful or express any interest in the baby, but it's all ok because he says he loves me. And that should be enough!

I just feel like he doesn't give a flying fuck about me or the baby, he isn't going to help when the baby is here, and doesn't see anthing wrong with his behaviour. In fact he feels he does too much! I know he'll come down in a bit refreshed, and ask me if I'm "still being moody for no reason".

All he really cares about is films and music and playing games, and having toys like remote control cars, and I'm the miserable drag who worries about the bills, the household stuff and our future with the baby.

I feel like I've been forced into the role of his Mother, except that I just want to punch him in the face for being such a selfish uncaring bastard.

OP posts:
charliecat · 19/05/2007 19:40

You have my sympathy completely read this and laugh

colditz · 19/05/2007 19:42

MM, well, you're right, he's NOT going to help you once the baby is here. He doesn't love you darling, he loves the way you make his life easier.

Your choice now is whether you want to raise your baby to believe that this is how marriages work. If not, you will have to work to change him (Relate) or leave him.

suejonezwillsoonbeKewcumber · 19/05/2007 19:44

Perhaps you don;t want to answer this question but - why are you with him?

Tickle · 19/05/2007 19:44

poor you. Go and stay with your mum or an auntie or something, and let someone pamper you. Let him look after himself... it can't kill him, can it?

tiredemma · 19/05/2007 19:47

what do you want to do???

If it were me- I would stop all the cleaning, cooking, washing his stained undies etc until he finally got it into his tiny brain that all these things dont do themselves, thats the only way he will start to see exactle what you do do.

If he has a problem at the moment- he is going to turn into an even bigger twat when the baby comes.

fedup1981 · 19/05/2007 19:52

Thanks for the responses. Sadly, I'm with him because I find him funny and interesting, I care about him and want to make him happy. Plus I have nowhere to go and no money to go there since I lost my job and can't get benefits.

I stayed at my sisters two weeks ago after we had a massive row. Left him a note explaining that I didn't like being screamed at and called a cunt because he had no cigarettes. He called after two days and apologised, I came home, and things were different for ooh...three, four hours?

It's just all a load of shit, he doesn't love me. He wants a no effort relationship where I do all the running and he gets pampered and then shouts at me for pampering him. I can't win.

OP posts:
tiredemma · 19/05/2007 19:55

Funny and interesting?

he doesnt sound any of those.

Its your life of course and only you can make decisions for yourself, but in all honesty- your life will become much more miserable when there is a baby thrown in.

Hope you find a solution - he really does sound like a horrible bastard, not at all intersting or funny in my opinion

colditz · 19/05/2007 19:56

You do NOT need this abusive shitstain in your life. He treats you badly, chances are he will treat your child badly.

VerySensibleKbear · 19/05/2007 19:56

You have to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life miserable with him in your life or not. And a baby isn't going to make him change is it? I hope you find the strength to kick his arse or leave him - no one deserves to be called that for any reason, least of all the mother of his unborn child.

colditz · 19/05/2007 19:58

Please, I am not trying to make you feel bad, but whatever choice you make, you are also making for your baby, so have a think about whether he is funny and interesting enough to make up for the screaming, shouting, and expectation of special treatment, and think about whether your child will find him funny and interesting.

It could be that the look of devastation on your childs face when your partner screams at you will be enough to persuade you that he is a bad man.

bananabump · 19/05/2007 20:06

Thanks again for the responses, it's stupid but I needed to hear that it wasn't just me being lazy/not doing enough for him. Sometimes they say that stuff so much you start to think you're going mad and they must be right.

The sad thing is that he IS funny and interesting, and everyone else sees him as this quiet gentle person who couldn't offend anyone if he tried. It seems like it's only me who gets to see the other side, and I don't really understand why, when it's me who does everything for him.

I don't think I could manage without the money he brings in, at least not now, and I can't bear the thought of being alone, especially as I'm about to have the baby. I want to give him a good talking to and make him understand that NO, not all men are like him, but I don't ever seem to say the right thing and he shouts me down.

Maybe I should just punch him. In the goolies.

bananabump · 19/05/2007 20:06

oops, outed myself. Oh well.

isheisnthe · 19/05/2007 20:16

man - you are me - except he is still professig to love you - change things NOW, stop doing all the running and babying him, i didnt and now have two Ds's and he has decided he doesnt love me anymore, and all the looking after in the world doesnt change the fact he wants to leave for a fun single life - while I am going to be left!

Stop doing all the running now - everyone deserves o be looked after - especially when they are pregnant.

dont be me in 4 years time with no confidence and blaming yourself that you didnt do enough - when what you have done is let someone erode the person they fell in love with and made them a slave

jalopy · 19/05/2007 20:18

It's only going to get worse, Banana. Get out now.

tiredemma · 19/05/2007 20:20

Id rather be alone and piss poor than unhappy and treated like a second class citizen in my own home.

Withdraw your services from him, maybe he will appreciate you more ( although I doubt it, any man who calls the mother of his child a 'cunt' deserves stringing up by the bollocks IMO)

bananabump · 19/05/2007 20:29

You poor thing, why are men such shits? You rarely hear of women deserting their children and husbands in favour of a "fun life" do you? They're so bloody selfish.

Right now I don't think he has plans to leave me, since he stayed with his ex who he said was a "hairy cheating chav" for nearly 8 years, and I'd like to think that I'm none of those things. Plus he's a procrastinator, he never gets round to doing anything, so even if he was unhappy I don't think he'd ever find the effort to leave me, especially as it would mean having to do things for himself. (shock! horror!)

I don't want to leave him, he's the only thing that keeps me going really since Mum died, my friends aren't exactly reliable and my family all have their own lives. I know I could end up with a flat somewhere, but I'd be on my own and much worse off, so I spose I'll just have to put up or shut up.

It's not like I'm the first woman in history who was expected to keep the house clean, cook the food and look after the children with no thanks. It's just that these days you'd think things had moved on a bit.

Anyway, thanks for the support, I appreciate it, you're all great.

bananabump · 19/05/2007 20:32

Sorry, the first part of that message was directed at isheinthe, I'm just a slow typer.

moondog · 19/05/2007 20:34

God, he sounds vile.
get rid.

mumto3girls · 19/05/2007 20:34

Bananabump...your last post was one of the saddest I've read. It was a real surrender.

You are worth more than that and every year with this creep will be a year that you could be with someone who truly loves you.

Do you want your baby to grow up believing that it's okay totreatmummy like shit?

Please have a rethink.

jalopy · 19/05/2007 20:35

Well, it looks like our advice has fallen on deaf ears. Good luck.

Muminfife · 19/05/2007 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Scanner · 19/05/2007 20:41

Years ago someone said to me that when you are having difficulty in a relationship ask yourself if this is the sort of relationship you'd want your daughter to be in. I didn't have children at the time, but even then I found it helpful. If you answer is no, then you must do something about it.

I know it's easy for us to say leave, but the truth is it sounds like you need to make is absolutely clear that you are not happy. Perhaps the first step is to tell him, not ask, that you want to go to relate.

Think of it this way, he will have a very unhappy life if he continues to think that this is how relationships are supposed to be. So you will be helping him by learning how a good marriage should be.

Please don't just 'settle' for what you've got because life alone is frightening.

Judy1234 · 19/05/2007 20:59

Plenty of us have worked at 7 months. Is that the answer? Then you can say - yaboo sucks to you, I earn a lot more than you and you can take this baby look after it when it comes and iron my shirts and make sure you tidy my underwear drawer every day!

me23 · 19/05/2007 21:09

((hugs)) your last post did sound like a surrender,you and your babys life are worth much more than this.

The thought of being alone is always much worse than the reality.

in two months you will have a baby to look after 24/7 it will be tiring stressful and you don't need this twat making you feel even worse! (of course the baby will be amazing as well)

You can have a worthwhile life without him. if you are a single parent surley you will be entitled to benefits?

charliecat · 19/05/2007 21:30

My Dp was milder, but this is 12 years later Get out, or get it fixed.

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