AIBU to be really annoyed at this?

[Desperatehousewife18]

So, to cut a long story short my Husband is a lazy arse, who sits around all day then swans off to the pub at 3pm every other day, sometimes everyday. He occasionally comes back for dinner but there have been far too many where he has said he is on his way and not rolled in until 11pm or later absolutely smashed. Even when he comes home at a reasonable time he is half cut or drunk. Meanwhile I am left with the responsibility of running a house, kids, dogs and work.
As he continued to take the piss I said I would no longer go out to that pub with him. His behaviour continued. After stating he felt depressed he said he would change and asked if I would make the effort and go out with him, I did but a couple of days later he stated the depression had gone and he was fine and continued to take the piss by not coming home.
I lost my shit at this point as I had had enough. Again he said he would change and I gave hom and the pub a second chance. However, on this occasion I noticed that said people who be apprently gets chatting to and cause his lateness he never bothered to speak to. They even made sarcastic remarks about it. This weekend, a rare evening out and the landlady approached me stating my husband was an asshole and she was surprised that I hadn't flattened him for his behaviour! This took me back and as I said to her it was not just him having a laugh at my expense but the gossip which is why I did not want to go in there and have been only six times this year! At a bbq on Monday we went to said pub with the children, they left after an hour as they were bored (teenagers). We had been in there three hours and I said to my Husband we needed to go to which he said he was staying for another drink leaving me to walk home alone. Upon leaving said landlady saw me leaving and again referred to my Husband as an asshole as he was letting me leave alone to take care of our responsibilities.
I was not happy and obviously told my husband who did not really care. My view is that not only has he taken the piss on a regular basis and had a laugh at my expense, other people are clearly discussing his behaviour along with myself, and our marriage behind our backs yet behaving like a friend! I feel angry, hurt and humiliated and will never step foot in there again.

You are seriously not being unreasonable. It sounds like you've given him too many chances, if anything!

Why are you still together?! He’s taking the piss totally. Ltb

You're not being unreasonable; do you really want to live like this?

He is taking the piss massively, I completely agree. However, it is not easy trying to talk to someone who is what I would class as a person with alcohol addiction as this just turns to an argument and justifies to him going back to the pub!

YANBU but I don't think the logical conclusion is never to set foot in the pub again. I think it's to leave him. He doesn't seem to be contributing anything to the household or the family. Sounds like you'd do better without him.

He's an obnoxious barfly who nobody understands why there is a woman in the world willing to be married to him.

You don't have to talk to him. He clearly isn't interested in talking or changing. So maybe it's time to just act. Otherwise he will just think you are a doormat who will put up with him indefinitely.

What stands out for me is that you seem more concerned about not being able to go to the pub and how he's humiliating you with his behaviour when he's out. You say he sits around all day doing nothing and then goes to the pub at 3pm. You say you work but assuming from your post he doesn't. Why are you with him, what is adding to your life, family or household?

Why do your lives revolve around this pub?? And doesn’t he work?

But seriously, why are you still together?

I am not concerned with the pub, I couldn't give a shit about the place. We only popped in there 8 months ago as we needed somewhere to go for a bit of time together, a date night once a fortnight. My life does not revolve around the pub, never has and never will. Him on the other hand yes it does, and since he has taken it upon himself to go and get drunk there countless times a week it has become a problem because that pub and his drinking comes before our whole family. I can't even remember the last time we all sat down and had dinner together.
No, he does not work or contribute to any cooking, cleaning or walking the dogs. His drinking has taken him to a point where he does not see a point in working or tidying the house as it is boring and he thinks there is more to life!
I have asked myself every day for the last six months why I am still here, we have been married for five years, together sixteen and have two boys. He was never like this before the drinking!

Kick him out. He's contributing absolutely nothing to your life, your family, your household. He's lazy, doesn't work and would rather be getting pissed than spend time with and your kids. Kick him out and suddenly you'll not have the worry of him coming back pissed, how he's making a fool of himself and you'll gain some self respect and be a damn sight better off when you're not funding his binges

He needs to get help and if things don't change you need to remove either him or yourself from the situation.

I have kicked him out three times now, the last time in the hope it would knock some sense into him after coming home drunk 5 days straight. He withdrew £500 from our savings and spent the whole lot on alcohol all weekend. When we did speak three days later he admitted he was behaving like an asshole and the kids and I deserved better and the drinking had to stop. Within 5 days it was the same old crap! I have suggested he needs help and needs to go back to work and he does not think he has a problem, I am the one with the problem!

You already know the answer op... he’s not going to change because he doesn’t have to. You enable his behaviour... provide money, home, food. Tbh if I didn’t have to work and could have a lovely life and go on the piss every day I’d be tempted... just get ‘nagged’ every now n then. Kick him out. Tell him
He can come back when he’s been sober n working for 6 months and you’ll see if you want him... but you might not

Simple choice. Live with an addict and wait for the day that he wants to reform (which may never come) or start now building your own life.

Your husband is married to the pub and the landlady is telling you.

Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? You do have a choice you know...

Get off MN and start organising your life without him.

Move the money into an account that only you have access to, kick him out and don't let him back in.

Sorry to be so black & white about it, but I have been sober for over eight years and I know I can never, ever have a drink again. It really is as clear cut as that for me.

By letting him continue to live with you and use your money, you are unwittingly enabling his alchol addiction. It's not your fault or your failing, it's horrible and it has just crept up on you over the years.

Have a look at www.al-anonuk.org.uk and take back control of your life and your home. His drinking will be affecting your children - none of you have to live like this.

Why isn't he working?

Thank you Weezol, your words were very helpful! If you do not mind me asking what was the turning point that led to your sobriety? Well done as well, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you? I literally walk on egg shells when Husband has not had a drink as he is very moody and short tempered, the slightest thing will set him off! Sadly his family are a waste of space and upon asking for help with his drinking and speaking to him they merely encouraged it!
He left his job in November as he was 'unhappy'

Thank you, I only find it hard now if I'm stressed, very sad or very angry.

There was no one lightbulb moment for me, I was a fully functional addict, had a good job, money to spare. Don't hang your hopes on your husband having a sudden flash of insight, as an addict you have to work at it all day every day sometimes.

I noticed that the minute I left work I was already thinking about my first drink of the day. I knew I could get through 8-10 pub whiskeys on a week night and still make it to work (I don't drive). At the weekend there was no limit to my consumption, the one rule I had was not to start drinking any time after 11 on a Sunday morning because I simply cannot have one drink. One drink will be five, nine, 15. I never drank at home, always at a bar.

I decided to give up for a week, to see if I could. I had my last drink at about 2am on 2nd Jan 2010. My first day without a hangover was a revelation. By the end of a week, I decided to see if I could do a month, and here I am. He has to want to do it for himself - he may get there, he may not. This is something you cannot make him do. He won't do it for you or for the kids, he has to do it because he wants to.

This all comes with a caution to anyone reading that I have been diagnosed as an atypical addict. I became very good at emotionally comparmentalising when younger as a response to trauma. While that has caused me emotional difficulties in the past (now resolved through a great counsellor), it was a useful thing to draw on when I decided to get sober.

You truly are amazing Weezol, and you are probably the only person I have spoken with who understands and can offer constructive advice and guidance and I really thank you for that! Would it be ok to PM you please?

Please get help understanding addiction. Al anon are fantastic. You need to realise that his alcoholism will be affecting you children too. When the drinking gets so bad it affects how people behave around the drinker, you children will be suffering.

The internet has loads of information to help you come to terms with it. Stop allowing him free and easy access to the money because you are enabling him. Weezols case if very different to most alcohol addicts and it is likely that you will not be able to make your husband stop. He has to reach a point when he wants to stop himself.

Hey OP, like @Weezol, I no longer drink at all because I can’t have just one or two. Drinking was taking over my life. I second what she said about moving the money and kicking him out, for your kids’ sake if not for your own. You’ve recognised that he has an addiction which is the first step. The second is accepting that you can’t change him or fix him, and neither can his family. He needs to do that and he’ll only do it when and if he’s ready to.
It sounds like the landlady might be trying to help you by giving you the heads up of what he is like when you’re not with him? Either way, that pub isn’t the issue because if it disappeared tomorrow I bet he would just find another and continue the same behaviour.

Thank you both! I recognised a while ago he has an addiction which was reinforced by his reaction when I told him he could not go one week without a drink. An example is his on going chest infection for eight weeks, the first thing he did was google as to whether he could drink on them and did so on the three courses he has had.
Sadly our behaviour has already changed around him, he can be so unpredictable we have to be careful what we say and how we behave in order to keep the peace. I have been receiving counselling for the last six weeks to help myself as the constant stress has made me ill, I have lost a lot of weight and have a sliding hiatal hernia where the stress goes straight to my stomach. The last six months have been utterly heartbreaking. He no longer has access to our joint account, but has his own single account and credit card which he is racking up the overdraft and debt on the credig card. It is not as simple as kicking him out, his Nan is 85 years old and could not handle the stress, and his Sister has a 12 week old baby. Some might not see that as my problem but how can I inflict this on them? We have a mortgage, and I was told by my solicitor that if I kick him out he has every right to come back, and if I change the locks he has the right to request a key or I change the locks back. Even if we split up he has the right to stay here until the house has sold. His behaviour does not warrant any type of restraining order!