AIBU to be really annoyed at this?

[Desperatehousewife18]

So, to cut a long story short my Husband is a lazy arse, who sits around all day then swans off to the pub at 3pm every other day, sometimes everyday. He occasionally comes back for dinner but there have been far too many where he has said he is on his way and not rolled in until 11pm or later absolutely smashed. Even when he comes home at a reasonable time he is half cut or drunk. Meanwhile I am left with the responsibility of running a house, kids, dogs and work.
As he continued to take the piss I said I would no longer go out to that pub with him. His behaviour continued. After stating he felt depressed he said he would change and asked if I would make the effort and go out with him, I did but a couple of days later he stated the depression had gone and he was fine and continued to take the piss by not coming home.
I lost my shit at this point as I had had enough. Again he said he would change and I gave hom and the pub a second chance. However, on this occasion I noticed that said people who be apprently gets chatting to and cause his lateness he never bothered to speak to. They even made sarcastic remarks about it. This weekend, a rare evening out and the landlady approached me stating my husband was an asshole and she was surprised that I hadn't flattened him for his behaviour! This took me back and as I said to her it was not just him having a laugh at my expense but the gossip which is why I did not want to go in there and have been only six times this year! At a bbq on Monday we went to said pub with the children, they left after an hour as they were bored (teenagers). We had been in there three hours and I said to my Husband we needed to go to which he said he was staying for another drink leaving me to walk home alone. Upon leaving said landlady saw me leaving and again referred to my Husband as an asshole as he was letting me leave alone to take care of our responsibilities.
I was not happy and obviously told my husband who did not really care. My view is that not only has he taken the piss on a regular basis and had a laugh at my expense, other people are clearly discussing his behaviour along with myself, and our marriage behind our backs yet behaving like a friend! I feel angry, hurt and humiliated and will never step foot in there again.

If you split you wouldn’t be inflicting the stress on his family; he would. You can’t be responsible for his actions and his choices which at the minute you are being. You’ve mentioned the impact the stress is having on you but what about your children? I know a number of people who grew up in a home with a resident alcoholic parent and it takes its toll.
I second what @Weezol said about contacting Al Anon. You need help and it is there for you.

You said that you did kick him out before. I have been in a similar place to you. The only way my XP didnchamge was when i did get him to leave. He realised at that point it was down to him. I would second you getting some support from al anon. You can’t go on like this and you have to take on board he is an addict and you can’t change that. But he can. Give him that responsibility.

I appreciate what you are saying and it is incredibly hard especially when you care so much. Watching him destroy himself and our family is heartbreaking.
Both of my children are 14, they are rarely at home. I have spoken to them both and explained the situation and made the school aware. As he gives them money when he is drunk and lets them get away with sitting on their xbox they are not aware how bad it is. They get what they want from him. I shield them from any arguing and am sure to make sure they are not in the house when we do. Usually he is in the pub when they get home amd in bed when he decides to roll in. Other days he is suffering on the sofa.
As I said I am having weekly counselling sessions and my work has a counsellor who specialises with living with an addict so I will speak to them. It is awful looking back and seeing how much our lives have changed in the last 6 months due to alcohol. I honestly feel so lonely. Little things like going shopping we can't do anymore as he gets frustrated and short tempered, the last time we went for a meal he downed drinks before the meal came out, and ate a couple of mouthfuls then gave up to carry on drinking. It was embardassing. He never drinks before 2pm when the pub opens but if the pub opens later he sits there agitated and has openly admitted to downing 7 pints in two hours. He rarely drinks at home. I do not bother with days out anymore, the kids and I go alone as it gets to a certain time and he wants a drink. I have tried speaking to him, but he is not a big communicator and instead of having a conversation he will get defensive and start an argument before storming off to the pub. It was only a month ago after another drunken day where he was a no show that I packed all his things. The next morning he emptied them on our bed and demanded I put them away. It was his house too and he was not going anywhere.

Did you put his things away?
I am sorry but you are minimising the impact of his drinking on your children. Of course they know. You are helping him function as an alcoholic. I am sorry for nan and sister, but those are really only excuses. Have you had a meeting with his parents or family to ask for support? Stop maintaining the status quo, your children desrve betger than that!

Al-anon will definitely help you to hand over the responsibility to him. At the moment you are taking it all on. I know because I have been in a similar place

Agree with PP, you are massively minimising the effect on your kids. They’re not blind and money/ x box doesn’t make up for what they’re experiencing. They deserve better. You are choosing this life: they have no choice and they deserve a parent that makes better choices for them.
That probably sounds harsh but it’s true. You are getting counselling but what do they get to help them cope?

Open your own banking account immediately and then kick him out for good. Don't waste one more day with this loser.

Both of my children are 14, they are rarely at home. I have spoken to them both and explained the situation and made the school aware. As he gives them money when he is drunk and lets them get away with sitting on their xbox they are not aware how bad it is. They get what they want from him. I shield them from any arguing and am sure to make sure they are not in the house when we do. Usually he is in the pub when they get home amd in bed when he decides to roll in.

You are not being at all realistic about the effect his alcoholism and your minimising are having on your children.

He is an alcoholic and you are his enabler.

It’s very hard being the OH of any addict especially if you are also the mother of their children. You spend your time fire fighting, clearing up the mess they create physically, emotionally, financially, doing all the work “protecting” the children, the house, your social status, the money etc. Trying to get them to stop. It drives you to distraction and depression. I have been there. You then realise that everything you are doing to hold it together in the hope he will change is just facilitating his addiction to continue because you are holding him back from reaching rock bottom - and it is only at that point they will decide to change (or not). If they end up with no money, passed out, had a row, pissed/shit themselves - they need to rectify everything themselves personally. You will never “make” him change or talk him round. Don’t waste your time or energy - just take action. Kick him out, protect your money - this is really damaging your kids - they will have a highly chance of being an addict or enabling one as that is their blueprint for life.

Get support for you and your kids. He may pull himself together in time - but whilst he is the toxic alcoholic your kids need to be away from him. There is only one way out. He has to do it himself. I see that you are impressed with PP who have reformed - looking for ideas. I understand why you arr doing this but it will achieve nothing. HE has to find his OWN way out of this. He has more chance of doing this when life becomes v uncomfortable

You

You are not being unreasonable at all.