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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He just left again blaming his depression. Feel so upset.

36 replies

FWBcomplexity · 28/05/2018 21:21

DP and I split up at the end of March because he consistently pushed me away and wouldn't commit to living together. We have been together nearly 2.5 years and took things slowly and carefully as I had left a decade long abusive marriage so for the first year I was the one holding back and he was more into it than me. Over the past 18 months he's changed towards me. He says he's depressed. Pretty much caused by me holding him at arms length during the first year. He pleaded with me to get back with him about 3 weeks ago, asked me to marry him, promised he'd move in etc then got ill (stomach ulcer) and didn't see me for a week. Again I felt pushed away but he reassured me he was ill and we have had a brilliant last week. He's spent lots of time with me and my DC's, we even went to check out a wedding venue yesterday. He has been going home for a few hours each day. I thought we had a nice balance. Last night he didn't come to mine until 9pm but fair enough. Today he went home about 3pm and I said to him are you sure you don't want to stay at home tonight? As I was aware his mood had dipped. He said absolutely not. He came back and made dinner for us then went out to the shop. He was being aged so I went to message him to ask him to get something and he was online. Sat in the car on FB Confused

He came back and was really down and I tried to get him to talk to me and basically he said he had wanted to stay at home but didn't want to say earlier. That was not the impression I got from him at all and I told him I was a bit sick of him making out that I was the problem when he is the one pushing me away. So he got up and left at 9pm. I'm really upset. Not because he wanted space but surely this isn't normal? To walk out on someone at 9pm? He will frame this as me being controlling and needy but I was the one checking he didn't want space tonight??? I lost my temper and sent him a message saying that was an arsehole thing to do and that depression doesn't give you an excuse to act like a dick. AIBU? I feel pulled - am I being controlling and needy to expect him not to leave at 9pm. He hadn't read my message and he will ignore me now for at least tonight. Maybe a couple of days and then be full of remorse.

OP posts:
Original poster
FWBcomplexity · 28/05/2018 21:37

Anybody? Is it really clear that I'm BU? I'm happy to admit I'm wrong!

OP posts:
elephantscanring · 28/05/2018 21:44

Honestly? You’ve only been together 2.5 years and it’s causing this much grief?? It’s still meant to be your honeymoon period.

He blows hot then cold, doesn’t seem to know what he wants, tells you what he wants to hear because he apparently can’t talk to you - and your dc are seeing all this?

And now he’ll ignore you for a couple of days? Fuck that.

Nah. Too much drama, too much neediness. I’d walk away.

Original poster
FWBcomplexity · 28/05/2018 21:46

My dc don't see it tbh. I very much shield them from it but yes, you are right. The drama is unreal. He's 42 but sometimes it feels like I'm seeing a 21 year old.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 28/05/2018 21:53

It's not obligatory to have a dp you know! A lot of the women I know are happiest on their own. And you would certainly be settling for second best with this one. Run for the hills.

Original poster
FWBcomplexity · 28/05/2018 22:02

I had a two year gap between the abusive ExH and this one. So I am confident being alone and can do it.

My guilt lies with 'abandoning' him with his depression. He says this is the reason he behaves this way so I would feel terrible if I exacerbated it or didn't support him with it. Especially given my job is related to MH. I almost feel a failure if I leave him to it. But recognise that him constantly pushing me away is causing all those pieces of myself I forced back together after the violence I experienced is becoming undone.

OP posts:
category12 · 28/05/2018 22:10

Ehh, his mental health is not your responsibility.

Him blaming it on you makes me wonder if you've found yourself an emotional abuser. Was rushing you along and now he's hot and cold and it's always all your fault. Smells bad to me.

SandyY2K · 28/05/2018 22:11

Do you really need this stress in your life? You have your children to look after and dealing with his depression will only grind you down.

I like an easy life ad much ad I can control it...so I wouldn't have a relationship with someone who had issues that would stress me out. Life's too short for that.

elephantscanring · 28/05/2018 22:22

But he’s blaming you for his MH - saying you caused it!

If he thinks that, best to leave him to recover Hmm

He has to take responsibility for his own mh. You are not responsible for it.

elephantscanring · 28/05/2018 22:23

If you can see his behaviour is making your mh worse, or making you feel bad, leave him. You’ve worked too hard to let him ruin it all now.

Be strong, op.

Original poster
FWBcomplexity · 28/05/2018 22:30

Well he replied to my 'depression is not an excuse to be a dick' with the 'This is my problem with this relationship' basically I think he's trying to say I'm not understanding and I should give him space unquestionably. Which I tried to do this afternoon! My patience only has so much limit tbh.

I know all about the push-pull of emotional abuse. And this is starting to feel very familiar Sad

OP posts:
Bekabeech · 28/05/2018 22:31

It sounds like EA.

Really just dump and move on.

jedenfalls · 28/05/2018 22:32

Meh. Dump,him.

He isn’t your problem. His MH is not your Problem. Don’t be guilted int being his carer.

Original poster
FWBcomplexity · 28/05/2018 22:35

I was so fucking careful in the first year. I did all the right things. Waited over 6 months to introduce the DC's, kept our social lives separate, did the freedom programme twice, didn't rush things at all. I don't get how over the past 18 months, he's changed from adoring me and wanting to spend as much time as possible to walking out on me at 9pm after a lovely BH weekend. Wish I'd never met him.

OP posts:
blablabla81 · 28/05/2018 23:04

What's wrong with him leaving at 9pm though, especially if you've had the whole BH together?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 29/05/2018 03:22

'This is my problem with this relationship' basically I think he's trying to say I'm not understanding and I should give him space unquestionably.

It isn’t about your levels of understanding or you giving him space. It is about him taking no responsibility for his behavior.
He is manipulating and guilting you because you work in the MH field, daring you to ‘be unkind’. Then he will feel he would be justified in shredding your ethics, intelligence, professionalism, etc.

Is it a true Catch 22 though? Nope- he is not your client. And consider the source. He is using this as leverage to use you.

His opinion about your relationship boundaries is irrelevant. You have the hard experience to know your boundaries are more important than any relationship.

It may just be that this relationship has run its course. He has a problem with the relationship? Okaay, he can go have a relationship with someone else then. I can tell from your posts that you know to not start jumping through hoops to fix his problem. That goal post will be on ball bearings.

Your gut feeling is raising the red flag. Trust it.

MeltingSnowflake · 29/05/2018 04:38

God, I feel for you OP - I have a DP who suffers from depression and it's so bloody soul destroying. I understand totally about feeling responsible for them, and that's natural, because you love them, you don't want to see them hurting - but my DP never ever blames me for his MH, in fact he apologises for it often (which, of course, he doesn't need to). I couldn't handle it if he blamed me, it's hard enough to cope with.

If he thinks his MH is due to the relationship, then tell him he'll be happier out of it.

MyfavouriteCauliflower · 29/05/2018 04:47

He’d gone to sit in his car, and he was online on FB.
I suspect someone else is involved

Original poster
FWBcomplexity · 29/05/2018 07:46

I don't think there is anyone else. He's too down to conduct one relationship never mind two. The blaming me for his MH is wearing thin tbh. I held him at arms length for the first year of our relationship for good reason. I was protecting myself after a horrible time with a man - I was always going to be wary of another man.

I have told him that I'm out of my depth with this and he needs to speak to someone else and I need some time away from all of it, it's too overwhelming. I can deal with this professionally but when you have an emotional connection to someone it isn't appropriate to be their therapist. He agreed and said he loved me. I love him too and I want him to be happy and well. It looks like that can only be achieved if we are apart Sad

OP posts:
kikashi · 29/05/2018 08:30

This is likely to be the ongoing pattern of your relationship. If you stay together you will have to deal with this pushme/pull me behaviour regularly. Your DP needs to get help and want to do this for himself - is he on meds and having counselling and actively trying to recover - has he been clinically diagnosed? (or he is being a controlling drama llama?)

It will grind you down. You did not cause his depression, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. DETACH and put your energy into looking after your DC and yourself. You are not abandoning him in any way. If you are not ready to call it a day then please put some boundaries in place and keep to them.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 29/05/2018 09:50

My ex strung me along for years with his mh problems. How could I possibly do anything in the relationship that would compromise his mh. Despite years of all sorts of abuse from him - emotional, financial, gaslighting narc behaviours from him but him never seeking any sort of support.

Years later (and having battled my own mh darknesses over that time) a counsellor told me that I am not responsible for his feelings. If the relationship is so triggering for your DP then he should leave OP.

MH issues are no excuse for treating others like shit. They might explain why but DON'T excuse it.

My first ever LTB. Don't be me and stay around and tie yourself to a life of misery and blame.

workinprogressmum · 29/05/2018 10:56

Think he needs to start taking responsibility for himself. Depression is not easy but there is support out there for those who seek it. (I had severe PND and didn't use it as an excuse.) Think you're better off without

Original poster
FWBcomplexity · 29/05/2018 11:00

No, he won't seek help or go back on antidepressants. He self medicated with cannabis but with a lot of help and support moaning from me he has kicked that habit.

He was diagnosed with clinical depression after his 12 year relationship broke down. He said he feels the same as he did then. He struggles with jealousy and paranoia too. I have tried everything to allay that. He had open access to my phone etc.

You are all right. I have nowhere to go with this have I? If I stay with him I will eventually become depressed myself and my DC's do not need a mother with depression and I worked so hard after my marriage to dig myself out of that awful hole. Time to draw on courage once again.

OP posts:
kikashi · 29/05/2018 13:07

FWB you are right - you could very well become depressed yourself. He is not being rational and you giving in to his demands (access to your phone etc) will not placate him as his jealousies etc are imagined/delusions (and can be dangerous). He needs to get help for himself - you cannot reason with him or save him. Good luck - you do seem to have worked it out. It's a hard road but you are doing the right thing.

TeamRick · 29/05/2018 15:27

I would also wonder if the sudden desire for space coincides with a desire to smoke cannabis!
Are you sure he was on Facebook or was he contacting his supplier?

Just a thought, would explain the sudden urge to go home!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/05/2018 15:38

Depression is not an excuse to act like a dick

^ THIS! So glad you wrote that.

He struggles with jealousy and paranoia too. I have tried everything to allay that. He had open access to my phone etc.

Urgh. Far too much hard work, sounds like you are bending over backwards to accommodate his issues. RUN LIKE THE WIND.

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