He just left again blaming his depression. Feel so upset.

[FWBcomplexity]

DP and I split up at the end of March because he consistently pushed me away and wouldn't commit to living together. We have been together nearly 2.5 years and took things slowly and carefully as I had left a decade long abusive marriage so for the first year I was the one holding back and he was more into it than me. Over the past 18 months he's changed towards me. He says he's depressed. Pretty much caused by me holding him at arms length during the first year. He pleaded with me to get back with him about 3 weeks ago, asked me to marry him, promised he'd move in etc then got ill (stomach ulcer) and didn't see me for a week. Again I felt pushed away but he reassured me he was ill and we have had a brilliant last week. He's spent lots of time with me and my DC's, we even went to check out a wedding venue yesterday. He has been going home for a few hours each day. I thought we had a nice balance. Last night he didn't come to mine until 9pm but fair enough. Today he went home about 3pm and I said to him are you sure you don't want to stay at home tonight? As I was aware his mood had dipped. He said absolutely not. He came back and made dinner for us then went out to the shop. He was being aged so I went to message him to ask him to get something and he was online. Sat in the car on FB

He came back and was really down and I tried to get him to talk to me and basically he said he had wanted to stay at home but didn't want to say earlier. That was not the impression I got from him at all and I told him I was a bit sick of him making out that I was the problem when he is the one pushing me away. So he got up and left at 9pm. I'm really upset. Not because he wanted space but surely this isn't normal? To walk out on someone at 9pm? He will frame this as me being controlling and needy but I was the one checking he didn't want space tonight??? I lost my temper and sent him a message saying that was an arsehole thing to do and that depression doesn't give you an excuse to act like a dick. AIBU? I feel pulled - am I being controlling and needy to expect him not to leave at 9pm. He hadn't read my message and he will ignore me now for at least tonight. Maybe a couple of days and then be full of remorse.

I don't get the 9pm thing either.

The only place I want to be on a Monday night at 9pm is in my home tucked up in bed Do you ever stay at his?

Having said that, ignoring you for days is a big red flag. I'd get rid.

Goodness me!

A good partner brings joy, kindness, happiness and a feeling of peace and cosiness into your life.

If you can't tick these boxes don't stress, don't overanalyze just move on.

42 year old man sitting in his car on Facebook on a Monday night at 9pm and causing hassle and disruption. Not a one off. It's a total no from me.

He takes no responsibility for his own mental health but he is happy to appoint blame on others (ie. you) when it's convenient. Used cannabis then has issues with paranoia and jealousy. He is the one who is hard work but requires things like access to your phone. No idea why you are with him. Think you're making the right choice.

Wait, his depression is your fault?? That's a load of bollocks. If he thinks his response to your relationship is causing depression (not impossible, brains are weird) he can seek treatment, or counselling, or he can leave, but instead he's mucking you about.

Don't fall into the trap of "if his depression was better we'd be ok." He is who he is now and it sounds like you don't really like it much.

But I completely get that Lacuchura which is why at 3pm I said to him 'Are you sure you want to come back tonight? Why don't you stay at home and have a bit of time to yourself' because I'm always aware that he's an introvert and needs some space. He had stayed at mine the last 3 nights so I was fully expecting that. He seemed hurt that I suggested it and said he definitely wanted to come back. When he came back at 7.30/8 ish he seemed fine then too, cooked etc but after he went to the shop something changed. Probably was the offer of weed.

I couldn't stay at his much because he's got a lodger and they both smoke in the house and I've got really bad asthma.

Ah, I see. He was happy enough for you to cook for him though.

All in all he is not a catch and not worthy of you OP.

This is the messages I've just received. I'm done.

I'll stop home this evening. I have get an early night. I feel awful but I'll be okay. Are you okay?

No discussion. No care that I'm
Upset. Completely self absorbed.

He's got no DC's, a house that cost 50% less than mine, an easy job and does what he likes. And he's expecting pity and support from someone with 3 DC's, a FT hard going job and a shit background. This is my only child free night in weeks too! Fuck him. Selfish, self absorbed twat. I'm not even going to respond.

Right on! What a jerk.

You've dodged a bullet! Another one with a DH with depression here and while I love him dearly and will stick with him for our vows and our long history together... Well, if one of my DDs started dating a partner with chronic depression, I'd tell her to really think twice, and if he blamed it all on her, refused treatment and self medicated illegally like this man does, I'd tell her to run like the wind. You deserve so much better - and if not for you, what about your DCs? You CANNOT fix him, and he shows minimal interest in helping himself. He'll drag you all down, please look after yourself and your family.

Oh he smokes weed as well - I bet that plays into the moods. Bin him off.

So many bad signs. Why did you continue dating him when he used cannabis regularly, and blamed you for his pre existing mental health issues?

You work in mental health? So you can see that he was / is not practising self care, seeking help, or taking responsibility for managing his condition, or his behaviour. All bad signs for him as a partner.

It doesn’t sound like continuing to date him would be cheery, for you or your DV. Would you think a client should date him?

And definitely don’t marry him!