I’m sure I’m being a little unreasonable...talk me out of it

[checkedcloth]

I can’t shake this feeling of disappointment. Married 10 years, 2 DC. We get on ok, but I just neve feel absolutely adored. Never feel like I’m that special. DH is a good father, we both work full time and he does pull is weight with the DCs and the home etc.

I want to shake this feeling, I really do. But today he said something that reminded me and I can’t get out of this grump.

Essentially I need to loose some weight. I struggle because of working long hours and as a result we eat easy meals rather than healthy ones. DH is somewhat fussy too (I’d live on fish and veg etc but he will only eat very plain food). Today I mentioned to him that I really want to loose the weight but I need some encouragement and asked if he’d help me. His answer ‘only to a point’.

Why can’t he just be behind me? Why can’t he say ‘yes of course if it means that much to you’.

Not to drip feed - but he is a recovering compulsive gambler. He has let me down on a few occasions but I have stuck my him despite him loosing lots of money and gambling in secret. To me, I’ve shown him how much he means to me though that.

Yet he won’t even eat a bit of bloody fish for me!

Can I have some harsh words to get me out fo he grump over this?

I'm sorry that you don't feel absolutely adored and special. Do you think your dh feels that way?

Regarding his limited support for your diet. Have you embarked on diets before, might he be thinking that he's heard it all before but you won't stick to it?

I think YABU if you're asking him to eat food he doesn't like, or to remove all unhealthy food from the house if he still wants to eat it. But YANBU to make your own lovely healthy meal and tell him to cook his own.

What was he like before marriage and kids?

Just start making your changes, he either joins you in what you eat or he starves or has to make his own. I would just tell him, this is what is happening, I bet he'll start eating more things than he does now ;) Don't let him scupper your chances of losing weight and being healthier.

Thanks both.

Don’t think I’ve ever felt adored really - even before kids.

You could be right Rainey - I have said before I’m going to loose weight and it doesn’t happen. But that’s because I sacrifice what I want to eat because I cannot cook three different meals each evening! Not sure he’d respond well to me saying that I’m not cooking for him and only preparing my own meals really.

He’s lucky - he can’t eat what he wants, drinks 3-4 pints of cider every night and basically doesn’t put on weight. So I thinks I could just eat what he eats and it will be fine.

Please do report this. My DC have a nut allergy and it's amazing how hard it is to get catering outlets to take it seriously.

Not going to give you any harsh words, you feel how you feel.

What exact support are you looking for from him? If he doesn’t like fish then he doesn’t like fish. What’s stopping you from eating it anyway? There must be a way to combine what you both enjoy in a low hassle way.

Do you both cook?

I think the food and emotional things are different and you’re tying them together by seeing his lack of enthusiasm for supporting you with a diet overhaul as a symptom of his lack of care or cherishing. He probably doesn’t seem they’re connected at all. Is he generally supportive despite not being overly romantic?

With the food, the easiest way to change what you eat is to change what you can eat. In January we both felt like eating less starch and more veg so we stopped buying snacks and made sure the fridge was full of salad and veg and nice things to have with them. I’m veggie and DH eats meat so we’d make a huge salad and I’d stick cheese in mine while he’d have nice ham or some grilled chicken. We both got what we wanted with a joint main element. Likewise a veg Spag Bol and DH would have some meat with it. No effort, can batch cook and reheat, healthy, cheap, filling.

I’m not sure what plain food would be but there’s nothing to stop you sharing a dish and but having a smaller portion and sticking a load of steamed veg on the side of yours.

On the not feeling adored thing, has it changed over time and are you both bogged down in busy lives? Maybe you could try and reconnect in some way and you’d feel closer.

Yeah that's not right OP.

I'm currently trying to loose weight and DP has supported me right through and eats the same meals I do and doesn't eat shit around me.

I don't think you need to 'shake' the feeling as it's a valid feeling, have you tried telling him this is how you feel? If you have and he still does nothing, if it were me it would be time to reevaluate the relationship!

Thanks again everyone. It’s hard because I work really long hours in a very stressful job so ideally I’d like us to just eat the same things - my brain is frazzled after a 13 hour day and so working out versions of meals seems impossible.

I’ve made comment before that I don’t always feel like I’m his priority. He just says you are, but is dismissing of the idea of actually talking about it.

I think you can't expect him to be the reason you're not sticking to a diet tbh. Take control of yourself and you'll feel better for it. It's not hard to cook fish and something else at the same time btw, those sound like excuses

Cook what you want, and if he doesn't like it hecan cook his own dinner.

Trinity I really am exhausted at night. I’ve worked a 12 hour day, picked up the kids and got them fed, homeorked, bathed and bedded. It’s not a case of cooking some veg and replacing the meat with fish - DH wouldn’t be happy with roasted veg or a salad. He wants Sausage and mash, slag Bol etc for dinner!

I think you are being overly needy. Sorry!! You're responsible for yourself, and the same applies to your DH. There's no reason whatsoever why he should diet because you are on a diet. It wouldn't occur to me to ask my DH to join me on my diet - I stick to far fewer calories than he does.

In terms of feeling adored, I think it's quite hard to display that much emotion after 10 years and kids. Loving stability is better in my opinion, but these things are deeply personal.

I kind of agree that you're using him as an excuse for your diet. BUT you sound like you've been ground down over the years.

Why should you be the one making the sacrifices on food if you're the one making it after a 13 hour day? Does he get back later than you or simply refuse to cook? In our house I make the food and anyone who wants something different sorts themselves out. I make the effort to make things everyone like but there are certain healthy things the DC and I love (like salmon or white fish) that my DH doesn't like. On those days I make the food and he will often eat it and lump it or make some chicken.

If you want to change your diet then do it. Just tell him what the week's plan is and if there is anything he doesn't want he can either add what he does want to the grocery shop and cook it himself that night, or just deal with it.

Trinity I really am exhausted at night. I’ve worked a 12 hour day, picked up the kids and got them fed, homeorked, bathed and bedded. It’s not a case of cooking some veg and replacing the meat with fish - DH wouldn’t be happy with roasted veg or a salad. He wants Sausage and mash, slag Bol etc for dinner!

Does he ever cook or help with the kids? If not then you have a bigger issue than the thread topic

Hmm just read your update. As a quick fix for pasta based dishes you could swap your pasta for courgette or squash spaghetti. You can get it premade in the supermarket (even Aldi has it!) and microwave it. I know that doesn't address the wider issue of love and support but may help you in the short term.

Oh my! He wants this, he wants that?
He can cook for himself then!
I’d be feeding myself nice salads and soups with loads of fresh ingredients - hellofresh is good as everything is ready measured and provided for you. He eats it or he doesn’t and sorts his own food out. Simple.

He doesn’t cook no. Basically can’t do it. If I left it to him we’d eat a oven pizza or a pie every night. He wouldn’t be able to cook meal that requires nay sort of cooking technique.

I’m early 40’s and life isn’t what I thought it would be. Im super stressed at work and home is just ‘meh’. DH certainly doesn’t really acknowledge how hard my job is. He works in the private sector (I’m NHS) and I’m not sure he Really listens when I say how bad it is. I sort of think if he did listen, he’d be kind, cook meals and look out for me a bit more.

I’m probably making excuses - I hate dieting!

hhhmm I'm pretty skeptical of people who claim they can't cook. You mentioned Spag Bol and sausage and mash. You'd have to be a moron not to be able to make either of those things really. I think sometimes people just use the "I can't cook" thing just so someone else will do it for them.

Just regarding the dieting though, have you tried slimming world? I found that so good and not proper dieting, you can still eat alot, just tweak a few things

You have asked for his support. He has said no. So at least there isn't any ambiguity.

Leaving aside whether you should stay with this lazy, selfish, unaffectionate idiot, you have asked for advice on your diet. These are your ootions:

A) Allow his lack of support to scupper your chances of being healthier and happier, and accept a life of eating sausage and mash after a 12 hour day.

B) cook healthier meals for yourself and stodgy "plain" food for your ungrateful mate.

C) cook healthy meals for everyone - if he wants something else, he can get it for himself like an adult might. If that's pizza every night - so what? He can eat what he wants.

I went on a diet while I lived with a partner who was terrified that I would start insisting he ate healthily and lost weight with me. I assured him that he could still eat whatever he wanted - but then I wasn't somehow magically responsible for making sure his dinner was on the table. We were both adults and we both worked - I wasn't also his mummy.

I agree that it's unreasonable to cook three different meals, especially after a long shift.

Have you looked at any Slimming World recipes? They have a Family Feasts cookbook with lots of familiar recipes, just made healthier with a few substitutions. My sister cooks curries, burgers, pasta, Spaghetti Bolognese and so on, just healthier versions. Her dp and dc haven't even noticed!

Eating a healthy breakfast and lunch alongside a healthy family dinner should see you lose weight if you cut back on snacks/wine too.

I don't think you can eradicate all unhealthy food from the house. You do need to have a bit of willpower with that I think, but you can ask him to avoid eating them in front of you. When he said he'd support you 'up to a point' what do you think he meant?

Obviously the fact that he's not pulling his weight with housework is a separate issue. If you're both working full time, he should be!

Hairy bikers diet cook books! Normal meals that are low calorie. I'm a shite cook (burn naked beans ffs) and I'm capable of russling up a fairly decent diet meal!
He's not going to cook if you always leap in and do it for him. Is he doing 12 hours days too? Does he do more hours than you? If not why for the love of god are you doing everything? Picking up kids, sorting out house, dinner, bedtimes? What the hell is he doing while you spin all the household plates?

Let him eat bloody pizza and pies until he gets bored and steps up to adulthood.

You're enabling him to act like a child. He's an adult and if he wants to eat something else he can sort himself out!!

It's not really acceptable for any grown adult to say "I can't cook". Can't cook amazing gourmet meals - ok. Can't bung on a bit of pasta or cook a few bits of chicken?? Pathetic.

It does sound a bit as if you are making excuses, though. If you want to eat a certain way then do it. If he doesn't like it then he needs to learn how to prepare a simple meal! And as others have said, it's not that difficult. Buy chicken fillets/steak/lean pork then you can have a salad with yours and he can have chips, or whatever. If you want fish he can put a pizza in the oven. Stop letting yourself be defeated at the first hurdle!

OP - is there a reason H can’t eat whatever kids are getting for dinner?
Spaghetti and sausages sounds like what kids would be eating anyway.
And on some other days - just make your fish/veg and stock your fridge with frozen pizza and other meals he can warm up in the microwave.

Forgot to mention the other point.
The need to feel adored and special.
Do you adore your H? And make him feel special?

This expectation - nothing is wrong with it if it goes both ways

Get him an idiots cook book - eg the Jamie Oliver one for beginners, and he can batch cook Bolognese on the weekend.
I would never have spent years with a man who ‘can’t cook’ , it’s so selfish and entitled. If he can hold down a job he can cook a meal. If he’s ‘too tired’ to try then the response is why do you think I’m not?
It doesn’t sound like a great relationship to be honest, I don’t think you’ve said anything that he actually brings to the table. So forget about what he eats and cook for you and the children and he can work it out.