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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’m sure I’m being a little unreasonable...talk me out of it

47 replies

checkedcloth · 28/05/2018 15:08

I can’t shake this feeling of disappointment. Married 10 years, 2 DC. We get on ok, but I just neve feel absolutely adored. Never feel like I’m that special. DH is a good father, we both work full time and he does pull is weight with the DCs and the home etc.

I want to shake this feeling, I really do. But today he said something that reminded me and I can’t get out of this grump.

Essentially I need to loose some weight. I struggle because of working long hours and as a result we eat easy meals rather than healthy ones. DH is somewhat fussy too (I’d live on fish and veg etc but he will only eat very plain food). Today I mentioned to him that I really want to loose the weight but I need some encouragement and asked if he’d help me. His answer ‘only to a point’.

Why can’t he just be behind me? Why can’t he say ‘yes of course if it means that much to you’.

Not to drip feed - but he is a recovering compulsive gambler. He has let me down on a few occasions but I have stuck my him despite him loosing lots of money and gambling in secret. To me, I’ve shown him how much he means to me though that.

Yet he won’t even eat a bit of bloody fish for me!

Can I have some harsh words to get me out fo he grump over this?

OP posts:

Original poster

checkedcloth · 28/05/2018 20:19

Thank you all for your the replies and also the helpful advice re food. Lots of good ideas, I do appreciate everyone sharing them.

He does work long hours (not as long as me though, and he has a far less stressful job than I do)

Does he feel adored? That’s a good question. Maybe not. He certainly did prior to the last gambling binge. Before that I’d have done anything for him and he knew it. Now - I’ll never let my guard down again, because any happiness might not last. gambling is the hardest addiction to recover from with the majority relapsing. Even if I were to adore him and be adored, it won’t last forever

OP posts:

category12 · 28/05/2018 20:25

I think you should cook what you want to eat, and if he doesn't like it, he can learn to cook or bung himself on a pizza or ready meal.

Singlenotsingle · 28/05/2018 20:32

Basically, are you a bit lacking in self confidence? And are you focusing this on him and expecting him to build you up? It sounds as though he's above the average MN dp, but no one's perfect. I know you're busy, and full on stressed but really you have to take responsibility for your weight problems. If you look at Slimming World, they use something called food optimising. Which means you can cook the spag bol (using 5% fat mince, lots of vegs, onions, carrots, courgettes, with the pasta). SW chips are sprayed with FryLite and cooked in the oven. You can use low fat sausages grilled). Come on, no more excuses!

category12 · 28/05/2018 20:38

How is a compulsive gambler who isn't very supportive, who doesn't cook, who works less hours than the op but still she's the one who "picked up the kids and got them fed, homeorked, bathed and bedded" an above average MN husband?!

Original poster

checkedcloth · 28/05/2018 20:43

I wouldn’t say I’m lacking in confidence no - my job is very senior clinical NHS role, I can hold my own believe me.

I don’t have a weight problem as such, I just need to loose about 8lbs.

Yes, DH is reasonably good at home stuff, but it’s on his terms and is the superficial stuff if you know what I mean. But with most of that he pulls his weight. The reason why I do most of the evening routine is because I pick up the kids every night. The difference is for me that I get into work everyday for 6.30am and leave at 6pm

OP posts:

Canwejustrelaxnow · 28/05/2018 20:44

And drinks 3-4 pints of cider a night.

Have you thought about what you'll do if he relapses?

TooTrueToBeGood · 28/05/2018 20:52

I think you're being far too kind to him. It doesn't sound like he pulls his weight at all. You are doing pretty much everything that needs doing whilst he cherry picks what he wants to do. No wondrr you don't feel adored - he's playing you for a mug and taking you for granted. Cook what you want and let him sort himself out. This "he can't cook" excuse is bollox.

Original poster

checkedcloth · 28/05/2018 20:53

I’d have to leave. I said I’d leave before if I found out again. Sadly 18 months ago I found out he’d had a big replase over a few months. £1000’s lost.

I can’t go back on my word again. I feel terrible typing that though, as I’m thinking of me rather than the family unit.

It’s just painful to think about.

OP posts:

TooTrueToBeGood · 28/05/2018 20:58

I feel terrible typing that though, as I’m thinking of me rather than the family unit

We all have to think of ourselves sometimes, especially when nobody else is. Be honest, he's not really a full part of the familly unit anyway. He leaves all the drudgery to you, expects you to run after him and cook his meals and wastes the family money on gambling. If that's his idea of being part of a family unit you and your kids would be better off without him.

category12 · 28/05/2018 20:59

But him losing £1000s affects the family - is he feeling terrible about that? It's not you who should be feeling guilty and like you'd be responsible - he's the one fucking things up with his gambling habit.

Singlenotsingle · 28/05/2018 21:01

That's a different matter. If you're working all the hours God sends, and slogging your guts out only for him to gamble thousands away, that's what would make me reconsider the relationship. No wonder you don't feel adored. But surely he should be the one to leave, not you?

Loopytiles · 28/05/2018 21:06

You would not be breaking up the family, he would. It’d be worse to stay and have financial liability for his debts. Is he in treatment for his gambling problem?

Stop cooking for your H, just plan your meals and make and eat them. I have a similar hours to you and don’t cook for DH during the week because he is fussy and eats high calorie evenibf meals, if I ate what he ate I would be overweight (as he is). From time to time I suggest a joint health kick but he’s not interested, so I do it alone.

3luckystars · 28/05/2018 21:07

He can’t be all things for you, you just need to eat your own dinner during the day and make separate meals for the rest of the family.l at night.

This is nothing to do with food or fish, it’s about you feeling unloved. You need to start taking care of yourself. Very best wishes to you x

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 28/05/2018 21:08

I have had a similar situation in not feeling loved or appreciated by DH. Eventually I had to ask myself what was expected of me and why that was.

I cook a meal for my children (it's a healthy meal with fish/veg/small portion of carbs). Sometimes I can eat that meal, but other times I make a salad for myself . A salad takes 5 minutes. I do not cook for DH as a given any longer. I eat what I need for dinner to be healthy because we are what we eat. I do not want to be overweight because I compromise my food habits. My DH can ask me to cook, but I have begun to often plough on without him. He appreciates me more for it. It may be the norm in your household to cook for him, but it doesn't have to be.

I think there are separate issues in your marriage but you can take control of your diet without his help. When you are committed to the diet then his support is irrelevant. Make yourself strong OP. Be kind to yourself first.

LesleyA · 28/05/2018 21:15

I mean this to come across gently...but I think it sounds like you dont adore him and although he may have wonderful traits Im not sure i could adore someone who doesnt help after a long hard day, has a few drinks every night and doesnt recognise what i do. It is so hard getting through normal routine stuff nevermind school projects, emotional support kids need, last minute notices of what they need the very next day etc. You will feel happier and mire confident when you are happier witg your weight so instead of a diet i would try introducing 2 good things and tajimg out two bad things. You wont believe the difference. Eg more water and stairs not lifts and out- pasta and potato. I cant always afford or be bothered with veg spagetti so i just finely slice baby marrow and put spag bol mince on it. You will feel lighter the nect day guaranteed. For just a bit dont focus on him not adorimg you just focus on you the rest will follow. Good luck.

BackforGood · 28/05/2018 21:16

I think you need to separate out the different things.

'feeling adored' - I'm not sure I could ever say I 'felt adored'... to me it is a bit of a 'putting it on a pedestal', rather than the 'equal partners' relationship dh and I have always had. To me, 'adoration' is something you do for some kind of idol - a 'dream figure' if you like that you don't really know. It isn't about real life, and having a relationship with another adult. It seems like chasing some kind of a dream. I don't think you'll find many happily married people "adore" their partner. They can love them completely, and totally respect, admire, and lots of other words, but 'adore' seems an odd choice.
If I worked a 12 hour shift (presumably plus travel), and I had a dh at home, I'd not be collecting dc then coming in and starting to cook. You say he works long hours too, but why does it fall to you to prepare the meals at the end of that many hours work ?
I wouldn't expect another adult to join in when I wanted to lose a few pounds. I don't think it needs a complete change in the whole family's meal planning, just a look at where I could make changes to my own habits. I wouldn't cook 3 separate meals either, but, as a parent, it's not that strange to make slight adjustments to account for different tastes or needs.

You can't expect someone to eat something they don't like. As it happens I love fish, but if you tried to insist I ate nuts, for example, I would be really retching. However, I don't see why either of you couldn't cook (for example) a piece of salmon for you and a chop or meat pie for him, spuds and veg - you could ditch the spuds and have extra veg. No extra work, everyone happy. Just one example obviously, but loads of way round having slightly different things sometimes without turning your kitchen into a restaurant.

LesleyA · 28/05/2018 21:16

Excuse typos. Tiny buttons and tired fingers

Maelstrop · 28/05/2018 21:20

Him being able to eat what he likes will soon catch up on him.

I don’t buy this bollocks about him not being able to cook. If he can read, he can cook, it just takes effort.

BlokeHereInPeace · 28/05/2018 21:32

Wouldn't it be fair to say that the bigger problem is that he chucks away thousands of pounds that could make your and the children's (and his) life better?

Frith1975 · 28/05/2018 21:40

Why are you cooking for him all the time? If he’s that fussy, why isn’t he doing his own?

timeisnotaline · 28/05/2018 22:57

If he can read, he can cook, it just takes effort.
You don’t even need to be able to read really.

Cricrichan · 28/05/2018 23:07

If he could be bothered he'd learn to cook. It's not that hard.

I don't see why you have to do all the evening routine as well as cook. You should share all housework as well as cooking or he should do something extra because he doesn't cook (or shop, I presume).

Regardless, if you are the one cooking, cook what you fancy eating . If he doesn't like it, he can make himself something else!

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