My DH just did something awful

[SOSfeelSick]

I’m physically shaking, I don’t know what to do.

My partner is my carer (I have autism) and is an all round nice guy. Great with our dc, does the lion share of the house work and is very kind usually.

But tonight he was a bit mean all night, though he said it was my autism making me misunderstand and it was only jokes. It felt like he was listing an ll the things he doesn’t like about me.

Then suddenly he started wanting sex. But I was still annoyed and didn’t want to. He kept pestering me for reasons why. To be fair it is usually me that initiates sex as I have a higher sex drive than him, but I just didn’t want to. He’d upset me and I didn’t feel ‘in the mood’.

We’ve both had a drink (him more so) so I thought I’d pretend to be asleep. Just so he would stop bugging me about sex.

He didn’t stop. He pulled me into a lying down position on the sofa and took my pj bottoms off.

I feels so ducking stupid. I didn’t say anything at first. I didn’t move, I just froze. I thought he was lying me down to sleep at first.

When he took my pj bottoms off I panicked and said a random phrase (something about chickens) so he’d ‘know’ I was definitely asleep and would stop.

He didn’t. It went on for just under an hour and finished on a very degrading way that wouldn’t happen usually. At one point I said ‘no I don’t want you to touch me’ but I didn’t open my eyes so maybe he thought I was still aslee?

I don’t feel upset really, more detached, I do feel confused and violated.

I don’t understand why I didn’t move? I don’t know why he would do this?

I don’t know why I didn’t just get up and punch him in the face and walk out with ds. I feel like I should have done that. He’s never been violent, so I don’t know why I was too sacred to let him know I was awake.

He is sleeping now. He cleaned me and pulled up my pj bottoms again before leaving. He’s going to pretend this never happened isn’t he?

I don’t know what to do. I can’t just leave.

Well done SOS , however difficult it is carry on with your plan and go to your mums. Personally I think you definitely should report him, he has raped you and you should never have to put up with that. You said earlier about the police not doing anything. I think that they will, you are vulnerable, husband or not he has broken the law, by doing this at least twice to you. You will surprise yourself on how well you will cope with it. Please let us know what happens

My exh raped me 11years ago and I so regret not ringing the police. Ring your dm and get her support. He needs to be very far away from you ASAP.

Oh OP. You have been raped by the man who is supposed to love you and care for you. Please get away and call the police of you can. Use your mum as support to do this. He has done it twice now, he will do it again for sure. Take care.

Just echoing another poster's words.

'This man is not somebody you are safe with. You deserve to be safe.'

Please show your mum this thread.

Please let id know when you are safe.

Morning OP. Well done on going to yr mums. Don't mention last night to him. Be brave. Remember you haven't done anything-it's completely wrong what he has done to you. Draw strength from the fact that you are also doing this for your child. Stay strong.

Men, fucking men, and how their need for sex trumps everything else.

You're doing the right thing. Get out of this toxic relationship now. It sounds like he knows exactly what he's been doing, taking advantage of you and making you feel like you need him as your carer. Im sure you will do much better without him!^^
Let us know how you are getting on with your mum

This is horrifying! Truly shocking - and somehow I find it even worse because he is supposed to be your carer as well. Absolutely sick, particularly the "finishing in a degrading manner" part which seems as though he really gets off on you being out of it and able to do what he wouldn't usually. Sick fuck. Well done for going to your mother's - please tell her so she can support you x

it is totally your decision, whether you tell your mum, what you do next, i hope you're ok. i also wanted to let you know the option to go to a sarc is still there sometimes for up to seven days, this is an example of one if that helps: www.juniperlodge.org.uk/ (and for anyone else who needs this information, it is not widely known in myopinion).

whatever you decide, i very much hope you are ok, and i'mreally glad you will be with your mum.

I’m sorry. I know what I should be doing, but I haven’t done any of it.

I’ve had a shower, I haven’t said anything and now he is on his way here to have dinner at mums house.

I’m not brave at all. I’m scared of admitting it, of things changing, of acknowledging that the man I love and trust thinks nothing of doing that to me.

The only proactive thing I’ve done today is set up a new online bank account, so that I can start having some of my money paid into it. I don’t know what I’m going to do with it but it’s something.

Oh my goodness op. I feel so much for what you are going through and sometimes the easiest course of action is to do nothing and pretend everything is ok. But it’s not. He committed a criminal act and may well do it again. You are going to live in a state of constant worry about this. He is abusing you. You need to speak to some one. Maybe not today. Or tomorrow. But you will have to do it soon to protect yourself and your child.

And you never need to apologise to us. We are not judging you. We all want you to be ok. X

Everyone is here for you OP. if you're not ready today, then you will be soon. Please write down what happened for your mum.

I'm so sorry to hear this.
You need to build up the courage to leave. He will probably do this again

What he did is wrong

Please speak to your mum, your husband raped you, you cannot pretend this didn't happen.
How is he being with you today?
He must of asked why you left the bed and slept elsewhere?

If you struggle with talking in person or on the phone, some Rape crisis organisations do text or email based support.

Dont apologise for one second for doing things at your own pace in a way that feels safe.

Setting up a bank account is a very big step.

You're going to be OK.

I went through something very similar a few years ago. It took a while but I'm so much happier now. I have a job that sees my autistic traits as a positive asset and I support myself and my children. I feel safe in my home. It's so worthwhile to make that break but I remember it took me a long time to work up to it

Can you text this thread to your Mum? Or to an agency?

You don't need to say it out loud again verbally - it has all been documented and said already here. You are in shock. Everyone will support you gently. Just one click.

Op this is not your fault! As a fellow autistic woman, I can say that we are far more vulnerable to abuse than neurotypical women. I have a little boy who is also autistic, I am a professional and very intelligent but I am vulnerable! I am lucky that my dh cares for me and protects me. Being autistic, many different things could trigger us to the point of either fight or flight. Change in routine (change in your h’s behaviour), your self protective mechanisms being ignored, the sensory overload of him touching you when you don’t want him to. Freezing and shutting your body down, disconnecting from your body, is a tool your body has used to get you through an incredibly traumatic event!

I ask this as gently as possible, have you been abused in the past? If you were, then your body, in shock, may have repeated past strategies that you used to get through psychologically. So do not blame yourself! It is completely natural to freeze in that situation!

Please know that you don’t need your husband to be a Mother and look after your child. I bet that your h has you feeling very dependant on him! I know that if I was physically well then I would be more than capable of living independently with my children! Do not let your h make you feel like you are not capable of being an independent Woman and Mother!

Don’t feel guilty for not reacting the way we have suggested you do, your h is obviously very manipulative. If you feel that you need to build up to this then that is your choice. You might find this link helpful though;
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/the-survivors-handbook-disabled-women/

You don't need to apologise to anyone here. You are taking one step at a time. Step one was posting here, step two was going to your mums, step 3 was setting up your own bank account. You will take step 4 when you are ready. And we will be here to support you.

How are you doing OP?

IF you decide to go to the police, they will go at your pace. They will talk you through options and YOU will be in control of how far it goes.

Its very common to freeze. It took me over a decade to admit to myself something that had happened to me and then another decade to report it.

Don't apologise for any decisions you make. People on here just want you to be okay and support you. You do whatever you need to do to get through this.

OP, just want to say that I agree with everyone else. You're doing great.

Are you okay?