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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH just did something awful

72 replies

SOSfeelSick · 28/05/2018 01:05

I’m physically shaking, I don’t know what to do.

My partner is my carer (I have autism) and is an all round nice guy. Great with our dc, does the lion share of the house work and is very kind usually.

But tonight he was a bit mean all night, though he said it was my autism making me misunderstand and it was only jokes. It felt like he was listing an ll the things he doesn’t like about me.

Then suddenly he started wanting sex. But I was still annoyed and didn’t want to. He kept pestering me for reasons why. To be fair it is usually me that initiates sex as I have a higher sex drive than him, but I just didn’t want to. He’d upset me and I didn’t feel ‘in the mood’.

We’ve both had a drink (him more so) so I thought I’d pretend to be asleep. Just so he would stop bugging me about sex.

He didn’t stop. He pulled me into a lying down position on the sofa and took my pj bottoms off.

I feels so ducking stupid. I didn’t say anything at first. I didn’t move, I just froze. I thought he was lying me down to sleep at first.

When he took my pj bottoms off I panicked and said a random phrase (something about chickens) so he’d ‘know’ I was definitely asleep and would stop.

He didn’t. It went on for just under an hour and finished on a very degrading way that wouldn’t happen usually. At one point I said ‘no I don’t want you to touch me’ but I didn’t open my eyes so maybe he thought I was still aslee?

I don’t feel upset really, more detached, I do feel confused and violated.

I don’t understand why I didn’t move? I don’t know why he would do this?

I don’t know why I didn’t just get up and punch him in the face and walk out with ds. I feel like I should have done that. He’s never been violent, so I don’t know why I was too sacred to let him know I was awake.

He is sleeping now. He cleaned me and pulled up my pj bottoms again before leaving. He’s going to pretend this never happened isn’t he?

I don’t know what to do. I can’t just leave.

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 28/05/2018 02:48

OP what he's done is rape and it's not the first time from what you've said.

Just because he is your carer it doesn't mean he has any more rights over you or your body!

My DH had to become my carer after I became seriously ill and disabled and he'd never do anything like that to me or anyone else.

You need to report him,I know you've said you can't talk on the phone could you text your Mum and let her know what's happened so she can get you help?
2 of our DC are autistic and if something bad had happened to them me and my DH would be there within an heartbeat no matter what time of night or day it was and no matter they're age or ours.

You can contact 999 by text it tells you how to here
www.emergencysms.org.uk/files/3649_esms_6.pdf

Please get help as soon as you feel able OP,what he has done is not normal and it could get worse,I know that doesn't seem possible but he could start getting violent if you don't feel you can do it for yourself please do it for your child Flowers

flowerslemonade · 28/05/2018 03:09

I don't know if you're aware this is an option but you can go to a sexual assault referaal centre where they can help you and take evidence if that's what you want, then in the future you can make a decision on whether you want to go to the police but at least the evidence is there so that option is open to you to decide on in the future.

this link might be able to find one: www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Rape%20and%20sexual%20assault%20referral%20centres/LocationSearch/364

or google find sexual assault referal centre and your area. they have 24 hour helplines, i think some have email addresses, im sorry bc i know you said its difficult for you on the phone. i would phone it for you if i can help in any way.

myshinynewusername · 28/05/2018 03:10

This is so terrible.

It sounds to me like he thought he could do this because you were asleep and therefore you couldn't refuse.

What if he tries it again when you really are asleep? Also, I hate saying this, but what if he already has?

This man is not somebody you are safe with. You deserve to be safe.

x

flowerslemonade · 28/05/2018 03:11

when i wentit was three women and they were really kind,it is 100% anonymous if thats what you choose and very different from going to thepolice - but it leaves that option more open.

SinkGirl · 28/05/2018 06:49

Are you okay OP?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 28/05/2018 06:56

What makes me so angry and sad on your behalf is that he is taking advantage of your autism: he thinks this makes you more vulnerable and he is exploiting that. That is despicable.

You are strong enough to be without someone like that. X

userabcname · 28/05/2018 07:09

Do not stay with this man. He is a rapist. He is not a good man. Whether or not you go to the police is your choice (I can see why you wouldn't want to) but definitely tell your mum and get support / help in getting rid of him. So sorry OP, I hope you're OK.

Kimlek · 28/05/2018 07:16

Oh OP this is awful. I know you think you ‘need’ him but this is totally unacceptable. flowerslemonade has a good idea. I’ve never heard of the ‘sexual assault referral centre’ but it seems like a good option for you until you decide what to do. I’m sure they’ll be able to offer you support whilst maintaining your confidentiality. Please get help! Flowers

Emu31 · 28/05/2018 07:51

OP I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it is not your fault in any way. When we are attacked our rational brain shuts down and we go into a trauma response of fight, flight, freeze or flop. Your body was doing what it thought it needed to survive by freezing so don't punish yourself for this, it doesn't mean you wanted it or that you are responsible in any way. There is no justification for what he has done and you are not safe with him. Any shame you are feeling belongs to him not to you. Please get some help and support as soon as possible, you will be in shock. We are all here if you want to talk. Xx

Shoxfordian · 28/05/2018 07:57

How are you today OP? Please see if you can contact rape crisis or the police Flowers

Strigiformes · 28/05/2018 07:57

Hi op, I just wanted to say that we're all here for you and please keep posting so we know that you're OK Flowers

Ivegotfamilyandidrinkcupsoftea · 28/05/2018 08:01

This is terrible

Op i hope you managed to talk or show this to someone Flowers

ReanimatedMuse · 28/05/2018 08:06

Please show this thread to your mum. She will support you.

Original poster
SOSfeelSick · 28/05/2018 08:11

I’ve only just woken up, I really didn’t think I would ever go to sleep but I did.

I’ve gotten ds ready and I’m going to go to my mums. I have a strong urge to carry on as normal today but I know that’s just because my routines make me feel safe.

My pj’s are in a bag, he used them to ‘clean’ me.

OP posts:
Ivegotfamilyandidrinkcupsoftea · 28/05/2018 08:14

Please show your mum the thread op

yawning801 · 28/05/2018 08:15

Get out of there OP, if he's done it once he will do it again. You are incredibly brave, well done for getting things ready to go to your mum's.

PoorYorick · 28/05/2018 08:16

It is a known fact that rape victims often freeze up as the attack is happening. They are then made to feel guilty because they didn't do the 'scream until five men in the next county can hear you' thing.

When in fact it is an involuntary and very sensible evolutionary response, because it minimises the chance of being injured or making your attacker angry.

Zoflorabore · 28/05/2018 08:16

So sorry lovely, you're being incredibly strong and brave.

Echoing pp, you are not safe with this man, that must be so hard for you to hear as I suppose him being both your husband and carer used to make you feel incredibly safe.

Please show your mum this thread as you said if you're unable to talk.
Thinking of you, I have a ds with autism and the thought of someone taking advantage of him makes me feel sick.

Love and hugs to you Flowers

MissStegosaurus · 28/05/2018 08:17

Im so sorry this has happened to you. I hope your mum can support you.

dilly123 · 28/05/2018 08:22

Just what everyone else has said really ... you are already being incredibly strong reaching out & I hope you find the extra strength to rid yourself of this 'man'

Ginger1982 · 28/05/2018 08:22

This is horrible OP. Please seek help.

Rozzzzzalmost35 · 28/05/2018 08:34

You have been raped. Tell the police. Phone 999 now. Don't wash your clothes or yourself x

4teensandababy · 28/05/2018 08:39

I’m so sorry this happened OP.

For what it’s worth, the Police are great in dealing with situations like this. A family member has just retired from the force, but her job was to deal with sexual assaults. They are specially trained officers. They are in plain clothes, they are supportive and generally you will have the same officer throughout the entire process. I can’t stress how great they are in these situations, and will guide you through everything. You’ll have someone who will listen, and help you.

Please please please give them a call. It won’t be as daunting as you perhaps imagine I promise.

BastardGoDarkly · 28/05/2018 08:42

Bloody hell op. He's a 24 carat cunt.

Nothing about that is normal, or forgivable.

You are stronger than you think, wayou more capable than he thinks, and you have us all behind you, whatever you decide to do Flowers

TeachesOfPeaches · 28/05/2018 08:45

This is awful OP. You can and will cope without him.