Ex wants to be friends but I'm heartbroken

[richdeniro]

Hi There, I realise that this is a website for parents which I am not but I just wanted to get some outside perspective on a break up that I am going through and mumsnet was the first forum that showed up when I Googled relationship forum.

Started seeing a woman in January and we mutually (more her than me but I agreed) decided to end it around a month ago because we just felt our circumstances weren't right. She is 45 and I am 38, she has three kids (from a 10ish year marriage that ended at the end of 2016) so she felt she was holding me back from dating people my own age and the chance to start a family. She wanted to remain friends though and I agreed.

We did the no contact thing for about 3 weeks but I got back in contact with her last week by challenging her to a game on words with friends on Facebook (a mistake I know but I missed her) and then she followed up by messaging me on FB, within 4 messages she told me she 'was doing really good and was seeing someone'. I've recently found out that the person she has gone back to is her ex from before me - they broke up in September of last year and they were only together for around a month so. I've seen the guys Facebook and he is the exact opposite to me. I am quite well spoken, have a professional job, quite sensitive, no real baggage and like to think of myself as a half decent guy. Obviously I'm being a bit judgmental going off someones FB page so I hope you'll forgive me but this guy has a lot of tattoos, 4 kids by 4 different women, looks to have a non secure labouring type job, posts overtly right-wing/slightly racist posts/memes and from my first impressions is perhaps one of those alpha male types.

I am pretty heartbroken in all honesty as I didn't realise how strong my feelings were until she was no longer in my life and her telling me she is seeing someone else hit me like a bullet. I'm still not sure if I can be friends with her but I am wondering if she might have been seeing this new guy before we actually broke up and was cheating on me, I have nothing to go on but from a personal perspective I haven't even thought about dating anyone new having just broken up and I'm not the type of guy who goes for a rebound relationship.

Another thing that makes me suspect she may have been seeing him before we broke up officially is the weekend after we actually broke up we had arranged to meet up on the Saturday night for a drink as part of the whole staying friends thing. I waited around at home all day Saturday until 9.30pm before texting her asking what was going on, she replied just saying 'Sorry I'm out', I'm assuming she was with the new guy as her responses are never usually like that.

If she was seeing someone else whilst we were together I don't think I could be friends with her as it would be so disrespectful and I wouldn't be able to look at her in the same light. I'm also just wondering if she is intending to be friends with me, maybe subconsciously, as she wants someone to provide the emotional side of a relationship whilst she is probably more attracted to this guys carefree alpha male thing so will be having all the fun with him whilst I am the doormat who replies to her Whatsapps and provides emotional support. Overall I just can't imagine him being the type who will show a sensitive, caring, nice guy side which she said was something she really like about me.

Anyway a couple of days ago I sent her a long heartfelt message telling her how much I loved her, thanked her for the time we had together and hoped the new guy would be the one to give her the life she deserves. I left it 24 hours and she didn't respond so yesterday blocked her on everything and unfriended her on Facebook.

Obviously I am going no contact now and haven't really put a timescale on when I will get back in touch with her, if I do at all and just wanted some advice and insight from the outside about the whole thing really. I feel like she will eventually reach out to me but that could be months away although she would have to use someone else's phone or post me a letter as she has no real digital way of contacting me now.

Going on date is good...it shows you there is potential! Don't worry if it doesn't go how you expect or no spark..the fact you're out and dating is good.
Yes..damn hard to do when they are on your mind. Stay strong. So easy to fall back - and you wonder why she did that - is she missing you? No - she's missing the ATTENTION!!!

Yes that's what I figured. The next couple of weeks will be hard so I'm going to try and keep myself as busy as possible.

Her husband and children are going away for two weeks so she'll have a couple of weeks to herself. We were actually planning to go away for a few days too so I need to try not think what she's doing, who she's going out with and that type of thing as I'm fairly certain she'll go on dates whilst she has the free time. Wish it wasn't so difficult.

Ex-husband I mean.

I think what has stung the most and will tarnish my memories is how strong she came on and how it felt so good to have someone show me so much affection and attention only to find out that the person I fell for did the same with others, and in the end, even whilst we were even still together. It feels like I've been taken advantage of, used, and that the apparent feelings were meaningless. I now feel like nothing more than a rebound to her who was used to fulfil her wish for attention and to feel attractive.

Sounds like you fell hard and she didn't. Sorry OP. Heartbreak hurts but with time you'll get over that and find something that means more. Now you know even more what you are looking for

Can you block her on your social media? Then you don't have to be waiting for the next contact.

At the end of the day you are not friends so no need for her to be connected to you on any of them.

Being friends means she is keeping you hoping just in case what she wants doesn't work out.

I have tried that in the past but she's resorted to using a friends or her daughters phone to message me so it would be pointless.

Although you are right, at least it might send a message.

Even if she manages to get a message through, just ignore it (and her) and move on. Easy to say, tough to do :-) but almost everyone will have gone through something like this at least once in their lives.

I had a similar relationship with someone when I was in my early thirties. I was pretty infatuated with her, not getting so much back. She was happy to string me along and VERY happy to have me pay for nights out, lend her money etc. Similar story in having a few blokes going at the same time - very much an ego trip I think.

It took me longer than it should to notice how very one sided it all was (and time and subsequent relationships have really shown me how much that was true). But that just meant I got better tuned to it so, in the long run, it turned out to be a useful lesson.

Ugh I made the mistake of adding her number back into my phone last night. I know I shouldn't have but I'd had a few drinks after work.

Didn't message her but just saw that she was online on Whatsapp for most of the evening which in all likelihood means that she is seeing someone new. I did think she was as her ex husband and kids were away for two weeks earlier this month so I assume she used the freedom and time to get into something new. Plus obviously she hasn't reached out in the time since saying she wanted to take a break.

Has made me feel awful today. I won't be doing that again.

Feels like I'm back to square one again six weeks after she ended it with me.

You’re just torturing yourself. You need to try not to do that!
It’s bloody hard. I did a stupid contact the ex thing last night and he promptly blocked me. So it’s not worth it. I was being strong and as you say it sends you back to square 1.
At least you didn’t contact her! Delete the number again. It will just take time. And you’ll probably make some mistakes along the way.

Hi there, sorry you are going through this. I'm 45 too, separated a few months. He wanted to remain friends but I told him it's not possible for me. It helped me to cut him out completely. Only when I tried to delete him off WhatsApp I accidentally rang him! Gah! I hung up in under a second but no doubt it registered on his phone. But onwards and upwards. You will find someone else x

Delete her as a contact and on WhatsApp so you're not tempted to look at when she's online. That can be addictive...and soul destroying. No contact is best. It's all about time. It gets easier I promise. You will find someone new yourself when you are ready and you know now what you are looking for.

Sucks to be treated like that but you should’ve walked away the first time, instead of letting her walk all over you twice.

I’ve been dating for a few years since my separation, but learned lots of not very nice lessons about people, I never chase, if someone is interested then they’ll come to you, if not I move on, no means no and it’s hard to accept someone you like isn’t into you but why waste time and emotions on them?.

Dating is hard going, I’ve given up for now as I’m quite enjoying life on my own with my baggage (kids). To be honest if anyone I was thinking of dating described them as that I’d run a mile. I think it’s a good idea to know what it is you want from a relationship (kids, marriage etc) and what you can put into it before you start dating gives you clarity when you’re chatting to people who haven’t had kids yet or have their own or are not interested in marriage it helps to know if these are things you see in your future or are willing to compromise on.

Sorry this has happened, it’s rubbish to be hurt by someone who doesn’t return your feelings, you sound like a nice person, live your life and enjoy yourself and the right girl will come along.

Ok. Having read almost all of the posts, I am going to give some advice, which you are free to use or discard. Two books. One called ' no more Mr nice guy'. It's not how to be an alpha male or how to be an a'hole. It's about getting what you want from life. You seem to be wanting to bend to what you think she wants, or what you think she should want. ( Got that?) You need to get what you want... The other book is ' the mindful attraction plan'. It's about being confident and improving yourself. Thus being more attractive to the other sex. You do sound slightly entitled and as though you cannot understand why, as such a nice guy, you get passed up. People are all different. Being nice isn't bad, but if you end up trying to make others happy at your own expense you are not going to win. I think it's good you have written to Mumsnet as you will see a wide range of people and opinions. This is my opinion. Personally, I would go no contact with her. I would try to realise that she is having a moment in her life where men are showing her interest, her sex life is great, she is not ready to settle yet. She wants excitement, it may be her last hurrah. I would imagine in time she will once again want to settle down, just not at the moment. You seem to want a nice ( that word again) steady relationship with a soulmate. Find that with someone who wants the same.

Thanks All. It was definitely a slip up on Friday night and I won't be doing that again, I don't even know why I did it. At least I didn't message her! It made me feel awful for a while and you are right @lowtide in that I was just torturing myself. There is no rhyme or reason to do it.

I did have her number and old whatsapp chat history deleted anyway but unfortunately I know the number off by heart.

Determined to stick to the no contact now.

Thanks for all the advice @certificateofauthenticity - I have just purchased those books so will give them a good read over as I am doing the self improvement thing as the moment.

You cannot be friends while one of you still has feelings for the other. Said it before and I'll say it again - I think it is best to let a good 20 years pass before considering being friends with an ex.