Ex wants to be friends but I'm heartbroken

[richdeniro]

Hi There, I realise that this is a website for parents which I am not but I just wanted to get some outside perspective on a break up that I am going through and mumsnet was the first forum that showed up when I Googled relationship forum.

Started seeing a woman in January and we mutually (more her than me but I agreed) decided to end it around a month ago because we just felt our circumstances weren't right. She is 45 and I am 38, she has three kids (from a 10ish year marriage that ended at the end of 2016) so she felt she was holding me back from dating people my own age and the chance to start a family. She wanted to remain friends though and I agreed.

We did the no contact thing for about 3 weeks but I got back in contact with her last week by challenging her to a game on words with friends on Facebook (a mistake I know but I missed her) and then she followed up by messaging me on FB, within 4 messages she told me she 'was doing really good and was seeing someone'. I've recently found out that the person she has gone back to is her ex from before me - they broke up in September of last year and they were only together for around a month so. I've seen the guys Facebook and he is the exact opposite to me. I am quite well spoken, have a professional job, quite sensitive, no real baggage and like to think of myself as a half decent guy. Obviously I'm being a bit judgmental going off someones FB page so I hope you'll forgive me but this guy has a lot of tattoos, 4 kids by 4 different women, looks to have a non secure labouring type job, posts overtly right-wing/slightly racist posts/memes and from my first impressions is perhaps one of those alpha male types.

I am pretty heartbroken in all honesty as I didn't realise how strong my feelings were until she was no longer in my life and her telling me she is seeing someone else hit me like a bullet. I'm still not sure if I can be friends with her but I am wondering if she might have been seeing this new guy before we actually broke up and was cheating on me, I have nothing to go on but from a personal perspective I haven't even thought about dating anyone new having just broken up and I'm not the type of guy who goes for a rebound relationship.

Another thing that makes me suspect she may have been seeing him before we broke up officially is the weekend after we actually broke up we had arranged to meet up on the Saturday night for a drink as part of the whole staying friends thing. I waited around at home all day Saturday until 9.30pm before texting her asking what was going on, she replied just saying 'Sorry I'm out', I'm assuming she was with the new guy as her responses are never usually like that.

If she was seeing someone else whilst we were together I don't think I could be friends with her as it would be so disrespectful and I wouldn't be able to look at her in the same light. I'm also just wondering if she is intending to be friends with me, maybe subconsciously, as she wants someone to provide the emotional side of a relationship whilst she is probably more attracted to this guys carefree alpha male thing so will be having all the fun with him whilst I am the doormat who replies to her Whatsapps and provides emotional support. Overall I just can't imagine him being the type who will show a sensitive, caring, nice guy side which she said was something she really like about me.

Anyway a couple of days ago I sent her a long heartfelt message telling her how much I loved her, thanked her for the time we had together and hoped the new guy would be the one to give her the life she deserves. I left it 24 hours and she didn't respond so yesterday blocked her on everything and unfriended her on Facebook.

Obviously I am going no contact now and haven't really put a timescale on when I will get back in touch with her, if I do at all and just wanted some advice and insight from the outside about the whole thing really. I feel like she will eventually reach out to me but that could be months away although she would have to use someone else's phone or post me a letter as she has no real digital way of contacting me now.

Anyway a couple of days ago I sent her a long heartfelt message telling her how much I loved her, thanked her for the time we had together and hoped the new guy would be the one to give her the life she deserves. I left it 24 hours and she didn't respond so yesterday blocked her on everything and unfriended her on Facebook

Sorry, but why did you block her after her not responding to you?

Deniro believe me you can do better... so many single baggage free women in late20s/early 30s available trust me if you date this one in a few years you will regret it big time

All the advice online when dealing with this kind of thing said to go no contact as it makes it easier to move on.

You broke up and despite your imagination there’s nothing to suggest she cheated on you. If you can’t be friends with her in the current circumstances, move on but her new relationship is nothing to do with you and she owes you nothing.

You may be well a nice guy but your pain is tinged with entitlement and that isn’t nice.

Go NC and stop stalking her new man.

I've been following some of the NC advise online and it advises you to just write and write in order to get your feelings out, it has been quite cathartic and helping but in my stupidity I wrote a message I was going to send her (don't worry I haven't) but please talk me out of sending it:

Hello again,

Please don't think I'm being soft and acting like a heartbroken idiot, I'm not trying to be a cliche here. I figured I need to tell you how I feel.

Basically I Love you and want to be with you.

I know that probably doesn't come as a shock and this isn't a knee jerk reaction or anything like that. I was thinking about it a lot before we decided to end it and was going to tell you how I felt that Saturday you said you were going to come over but couldn't make it. I didn't want us to end and know I never really conveyed my true feelings for you before or avoided the subject but you started bringing it up so much and I was so stressed with work that I just agreed without thinking about it rationally.

I know you say your life, what you say is baggage, age (we're not that far apart), etc is something that stopped us being together properly.... it doesn't bother me in the slightest and I thought you would have realised that when we were together. I also know that life doesn't often work out how we plan or expect it to. I think that if you find something that makes you happy then you should grab it with both hands and I now realise I had someone that meant everything to me. You wouldn't be holding me back from anything either as it's not as though I was going anywhere before and I am completely comfortable with not living what I guess others would call conventional. I would rather be happy with you than go through the motions of a mediocre life. I also couldn't care less what anyone else thought as the only thing that ever matters between two people is between them.

I know you are with someone else at the moment and I don't know how serious it is but I felt I had to tell you regardless as I don't want to regret not telling you. I also know you are very loving and throw yourself into a relationship at the beginning so understand if you have moved on, I've missed my chance and you are now settled and happy. Every piece of advice I have had from friends and found online about someone you were seeing how you feel says don't do it but I felt like we were always honest with each other and there were no games so I'm going to ignore it as I think you deserve my honesty.

I know I'm also not like other guys in many ways but I can promise I will love and care for you with everything I have. You said to me once that it was a shock at how much I cared as you'd never had that before, I hope you know that I've never cared for anyone as much as you before and I wouldn't stop.

Please take your time to think about this, I don't expect any response straight away and don't know where your head is at right now plus I'm sure you are very busy with your kids amongst other things. Try not to let you decision be swayed by the way I've been acting recently and think about the time we spent together from January to April and the connection, at least I thought we shared.

If it is definitely a no and you don't think that we can work or you have moved on, I don't need a reply, I know it would be horrible for you to write and I wouldn't want to put you through that. Please take a couple of weeks to think it all over and if I don't hear from you by the middle of June I'll know and attempt to move on with my life. It also won't affect the way I feel about you and won't ever stop wanting you to be happy.

Cringeworthy

I never understand why a single guy who comes without the baggage of an Ex or children would get involved with a woman like this.

Your 38 ...have a good job and there's many many single women who'd want a man your age without kids ....

There's a time in your life when you have the options and can be picky.

I say the same when single women go with a guy with an Ex and kids...and become Insta stepmums .... and have so much stress as a result.

She may be a needy woman who thinks a man is needed in her life, that is why she is now seeing this other guy. Possibly you didn’t float her boat.

Find a couple of hobbies, immerse yourself in them ir friends to go out socially with.

Plenty of people including myself have been in your situation and come out the other side.

I met up with her yesterday and we ended up back at mine and had sex, she stayed the night and it was really lovely and intimate. I walked her home earlier and we held hands, kissed, etc.

However we didn't discuss the messages I sent her, how I feel about her and I didn't ask if she was still seeing the other guy or anyone else.

Now confused as to what it all means.

Ok, i'm going to be blunt. You've known her a few months. You think you love her but you don't. You don't even know her properly. You need to stop being so needy and move on to a more equal relationship.

Well you were all right and I should have taken all the advice in the first place. Going through the breakup a second time now which feels even worse. Sorry for posting here but I just feel I need to tell someone even if it is just a internet message board.

We met up again back at the beginning of June as my last post above alludes to and were been seeing each other casually, she assured me she wasn't seeing anyone else in that time but things felt different to how they were before.

She would be online on whatsapp in the evenings for long periods and despite me sending messages and seeing her online would take forever to respond to them. When we went out she would take every opportunity when I went to the loo or to the bar to get back on whatsapp and when she was staying at mine would lean forward so I couldn't see who she was messaging. I called her up on it and she would tell me it's nothing and that I was overthinking.

Anyway, long story short I was certain she was in at least an emotional relationship with someone or maybe a few other guys and just couldn't get past it as it just felt so much more different to before when I did feel like I was the only guy for her and would be the first one she messaged in the morning and last thing at night.

The last week or so she became even more distant and I felt that I was becoming a bit of a chore to her. We met up for a drink on Sunday night and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don't think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and last night she sent me a message saying: "things are different in not feeling it anymore". I asked if there was someone else and she replied with "Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won't know what I'm looking for until it hits me". The final message she sent read "I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don't feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it's not enough sorry".

So I guess that's it now. Having to go through a second breakup again is killing me. Sorry again for bumping up my old post and writing another long post, just feel heartbroken again.

Sorry OP.
It's not nice at all.
But lesson learned I hope.
Block, ignore and delete.
You cannot be friends with her. She will totally mess with your head and emotions.
Time to get back out there.
Keep yourself busy.
Hobby, family, friends, local groups.
But cut her out totally.
It's the only way!

So sorry for you 😞 But look, it's better to know for sure. It's torture being with someone feeling they're quite not there with you. You're free, it's summer, go out with friends. Meet new people! Sooner than you think you'll feel much better again. Don't dwell in it. It happens to us all. She's not meant for you (And if she is it'll happen sometime later in life, but for now) you need to move on. Do something fun, force yourself at first if you have to.
I was in a really bad place beginning of June. Really bad. Now looking back I don't quite understand why; im much happier without the person in my life, I could feel things shifting before splitting up and it felt so awful.
You can do this! 😊

She has behaved appallingly. It seems she very much just enjoys attention, the more the better and probably isnt too fussy how many people give it. Plus I'm inclined to think she isn't nearly as confident as she seems. I think part of the problem may be due to some insecurity on her part. You are younger, you might find her too old in a few years, you may want children in a bit, you have a good job etc, she doesn't feel secure or feel confident that it could last. That's her bees wax, she's entitled to feel any way she chooses. No amount of chasing or running would alter it. She'd just see you as being a wet blanket, it would demean you.

I'm sure you are a great guy. But you say you are shy. Unfair really, but it just isn't a very popular characteristic when it comes to attracting women. It can be perceived negatively.

I'm sorry you are going through this. You don't deserve to be put aside, picked up, put down and played with. It's cruel, but likely not malicious.

I should be clearer, sorry. You can't ever fix it. She sees issues, you can't fix it. If you try it will demean you. Two people in a relationship should make each other secure, happy, confident, better together. She is perhaps insecure, but you can't put that right without demeaning yourself. So, its a no go.

Yes she said she loves attention and she obviously gets it being very attractive. I think she probably has narcissistic side to her personality combined with a bit of a lack of empathy which probably isn't a good mix when you aren't her world. The first four months of the relationship were amazing as I did feel like her world but the last month or so just felt like I was a chore to her. I looked at our messages from the last month and you can count on one hand the amount of times she actually asks about me, my day or how I am doing. I now feel she used me subconsciously to rebuild her own confidence and get over her own loneliness issues from her marriage and divorce. Once I'd done that it was easy to just cast me aside especially as she's out with her mates a lot more now getting hit on by guys.

When I did glimpse at her phone once she had 2-3 numbers on Whatsapp that weren't stored as contacts so showed as +44 and then the rest of the number rather than an actual name. She had obviously met them on nights out and was messaging them. When I asked her about the amount of time she spends on her phone she used the excuse that she was a very needy person.

I'm guessing that she thinks you're a good guy but ultimately realises that she doesn't have the right feelings for you.

But get back on the dating sites and start meeting other women and you'll have a better chance of meeting someone you'd like to have a family with.

Let her get on with it and enjoy the attention. She's 45, it will pass! However attractive she is. At 40 I was just out of a 16 year relationship, and I was much the same. She will feel torn between enjoying all this attention/fun and feeling its now or never to meet the right man.

But you are younger, have a good job, nice lifestyle, no baggage, capable of loving someone, able to be loyal, and willing to spend your time and effort on the right woman. You have a lot going for you. And I'm sure that when you meet the right woman she will see this.

I think you need to get back out there and date. I know I won't make myself popular here, but I think you need to go have some fun. Build some confidence and believe yourself an attractive man. Don't get too involved. The more people you meet the more sure you will be of what you are looking for, and when you spot it more confident in knowing how to get it.

Thank you.

I will try and make an effort, I know it's cliche, but she was basically my first what you would call girlfriend I suppose which is pretty embarrassing at this age, so to have someone to see through my flaws and actually want to be with me was a complete first. I've never got on and laughed with anyone so well. I just hope I can find that again.

She's just messaged me with 'You ok?'

Assume I should just ignore.

She may be wanting to hear how heartbroken you are, to feed her need for attention.

PLEASE ignore and don't respond! It's cyclic....you're her backfill. You already know she's seeing other guys and has told you she doesn't feel the same. You can't make people feel the same way you do. Go NC and move on. Go date others....

Don't worry, I've no intention of responding. I feel stronger than I did after the first time we broke up.

Good for you!

Ugh, 10 days no contact and she challenges me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook last night. Don't worry I didn't accept, reply or anything.

Am actually going on a date tonight so trying to move on. Still think about her lots though.