Wish he didn't have a child

[Ribrabrob]

I'm in a fairly new relationship with somebody quite a lot older than me (by 20 years). I love him, I think he's great, he treats me fantastically but there's one thing I'm finding so hard: he has a 12 year old daughter. She doesn't live with him, in fact she lives in a different country, however I can't help but feel jealous every time he speaks to her on the phone, goes to visit her, even mentions her etc etc. I feel awful for thinking it, but I wish he didn't have a child. I don't want to have to share his love and affection. I don't want him to love her more than he loves me. I feel absolutely pathetic for feeling this way, but just I can't help it.

Whilst it's still early days, we have spoken about having our own children. I never used to want them but recently changed my mind and know that I do, however I can't help but feel sad that he's already been there, done that.

How can I get over my feelings and move forward? I try and convince myself that it's fine and it's good that he's a good dad, however the majority of the time it upsets me. I'm scared it's going to ruin our relationship further down the line and cause resentment, however I do love him and would love to be with him for a really long time. I'm just scared that the jealousy will eat away at me, so I really want to get over it. It's strange because I've never really been a jealous person up until now.

I already know that I'm ridiculous (and perhaps immature) for feeling like this, but I'm just looking for some constructive advice please. Has anybody ever been in this situation and how did you move on?

Thank you.

Rainy, yes it does say a lot about me. I watched a creep methodically pull apart a very vulnerable young woman, isolate her from her friends and family, belittle her slowly over years and years until there was nothing left but him. She was 19 when they met, same age difference. WTF does a 39 year old want with a 19 year old? It’s not good. I was too young myself to realise he had basically been grooming me since I was 14 - I thought he was my friend. I didn’t realise how wildly inappropriate his advances were when I was 15. And for many years after that I just thought he liked younger girls/women because he was so immature. Now I see he wanted someone he could control.

I’ve known other young women with much older men and that vulnerability has always been a theme. They like to be looked up to and thought of as clever because the young woman is so inexperienced and too flattered to wonder just why he doesn’t have intelligent women of his own age interested in him.

This may not be the case here. Maybe OP is 40 and he’s 60? One thing everyone seems to agree on is that she sounds very immature. Experienced and mature women wouldn’t decide they’re in love and want to have children with someone after a short period of time, and they wouldn’t be jealous of a 12 year old girl talking to her father on the phone.

OP, sorry for all incorrect assumptions! As you see, I bring a lot of baggage to the conversation. Good luck in the future and I hope I didn’t offend you too much. Your decision actually sounds very mature.

OP you need to think very carefully about this relationship. I know of two cases where the children have moved in with the father and girlfriend as the mother is ill. In both cases the children are pre teens. Imagine having a 12 year old coming to live with you next year as that could happen for a number of reasons.

I think that's probably for the best all round.

TBH I would never have got involved with someone who had children when I didn't, purely because of all the complications. But if you do then you have to be mature about it.

Actually OP, I don't know your age but I'm not sure id call you immature. You've heard some opinions that have been hard for you to take and have responded well and taken things on board. You seem to have a good deal of insight into your feelings and you're aware of the issues. I'd say this makes you quite mature. I'm wishing you luck. I hope things work out for the best for all involved.

So many unfair, biased and inappropriate assumptions on here! It hurts to read that people think a man is "disgusting" because he falls in love with a younger woman and vice-versa. Or that he leaves the first wife "99.9 % of the time". My mum left my dad, my XH's first wife left him. I married an older man with 2 girls from his previous marriage and I made loving and lasting friendships with both. I left my ex for reasons other than age and kids. There was no question of "sloppy seconds". You don't choose who you fall in love with. You don't enter a marriage believing that it will fail. You love someone for who they are, not what they have.

Just a slightly different perspective focusing on your comment about not being able to help how you feel. I disagree. I think we all have a certain level of control over our emotions or certainly the amount of control we allow them to have over us.

You acknowledge that you feel jealous but you can choose not to give those jealous negative thoughts any “air time” and just push hem away. It takes a certain amount of practice and discipline but it can be done. It’s a technique I learned through CBT and one I’ve found very useful in life. None of us are saints. We can all have unpleasant, negative thoughts but we don’t need to let them take hold.

It might be worth a try if you genuinely want this relationship to work.

But men with children seem to offer fuck all to the childless woman.

^^ agree with this I'm afraid!!

OP you do sound mature, I agree with the op who said this.

I dated a guy 20 yrs older than me when I was about 18. I didn't realise it at the time but now I look back (15 yrs later) and think urgh urgh urgh how inappropriate. I don't think I realised it at the time but I had poor self confidence and thought he was the best I could get. I was so, so wrong.

I'm just sad it took me to aged 30 to realise this.

I think you can do better. Xx good luck

When you have your own children you will realize you don’t have a finite amount of love. Your partner has enough love for both of you, there is no need to be jealous

Hey u sound a lot like me 8 years ago.. I met my dp when I was 22 and he was 33 he had a three year old son and man was it hard I felt really jealous . It was even harder as I was preg because ur mentally and attention seeking and want to be looked after. I'm not gonna pretend those feelings disappeared overnight and he's my best buddy now. But I parent him like I do my own the three times a year he's here and he's a well behaved nice boy. But it stops there I don't have feelings for him like I do my own . .like u the child lives in a diff country I haven't had the time nor opportunities to form a real strong bond and I'm of the camp that believes if it's not your child I'm sorry but IT IS different... and we now have our own son and although I wouldn't say I'm jealous but it is hard as I find myself comparing how he parents the two kids ours n his etc... discipline,money, love.. etc... u need to make sure ur ready for all that as it's no picnic just depends how much h love ur dp eh.. xoxoxo