Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wish he didn't have a child

86 replies

Ribrabrob · 27/05/2018 02:12

I'm in a fairly new relationship with somebody quite a lot older than me (by 20 years). I love him, I think he's great, he treats me fantastically but there's one thing I'm finding so hard: he has a 12 year old daughter. She doesn't live with him, in fact she lives in a different country, however I can't help but feel jealous every time he speaks to her on the phone, goes to visit her, even mentions her etc etc. I feel awful for thinking it, but I wish he didn't have a child. I don't want to have to share his love and affection. I don't want him to love her more than he loves me. I feel absolutely pathetic for feeling this way, but just I can't help it.

Whilst it's still early days, we have spoken about having our own children. I never used to want them but recently changed my mind and know that I do, however I can't help but feel sad that he's already been there, done that.

How can I get over my feelings and move forward? I try and convince myself that it's fine and it's good that he's a good dad, however the majority of the time it upsets me. I'm scared it's going to ruin our relationship further down the line and cause resentment, however I do love him and would love to be with him for a really long time. I'm just scared that the jealousy will eat away at me, so I really want to get over it. It's strange because I've never really been a jealous person up until now.

I already know that I'm ridiculous (and perhaps immature) for feeling like this, but I'm just looking for some constructive advice please. Has anybody ever been in this situation and how did you move on?

Thank you.

OP posts:
catherinedevalois · 27/05/2018 06:57

Sloppy seconds? What a horrible thing to say. I bet all those fragile women attempting to rebuild their lives after an abusive marriage or a serial cheater now feel a whole lot better.

Cawfee · 27/05/2018 06:58

What are you doing? Why are you with a man that much older than you? Why is he with somebody so young? Does he call the shots in the relationship? I’m guessing he likes to get his own way all the time and you probably give it to him. Why are you wasting your youth and energy on this man. Rather than worrying about the daughter you should probably contact the mother of the child and find out exactly what went wrong. Why is he living in a different country to his kid? No normal father does that and you should be very very careful. Seriously. You need to find out more about this man rather than allot this jealousy nonsense.

Heismyopendoor · 27/05/2018 07:04

Doesn’t sound like you are ready to be a step mum or even a mum.

Do the guy a favour and bow out now

PasstheStarmix · 27/05/2018 07:08

If you yourself had a baby with this man would you be jealous also? You sound young. I think maybe this relationship isn’t right for you.

RainySeptember · 27/05/2018 08:52

You're fundamentally unsuited. Apart from the massive age difference, you will always feel jealousy towards his dd and that isn't fair on any of you.

I'm also worried that you say it's a fairly new relationship yet, despite these two major problems, you're already saying you love him and want children with him. Honestly, it's all a car crash waiting to happen.

RainySeptember · 27/05/2018 08:53

Iwasjustabouttosaythat, op doesn't say how old she is or why his dd lives in another country so you've made a number of assumptions there.

loveless0 · 27/05/2018 08:56

Wow, loving your child is very different to romantic love you sound very young and not ready for a relationship with a man with kids. I have 1 DD and I would prefer to date someone with kids now to be honest.

ChishandFips33 · 27/05/2018 09:02

What is your relationship like with your own father OP?

Platterheed · 27/05/2018 09:07

Please walk away.

My son’s stepmother is half my age and everything in my son’s relationship with his dad now revolves around her and her needs. Which is sick as he’s unfaithful to her too and the set up probably has a limited shelf life. My son weathers it well but he shouldn’t have to.

My father’s second wife waited until my father died to pour utter hatred all over me. Because she felt like you and never had the bollocks to say it to him when he was alive. She’s so insanely jealous, even now, that she had to cut me off and stopped me from visiting my father’s grave. That’s what 25 years of bottled resentment does for you.

There is a whole globe of men you’re better suited to. Take a lesson, if you can’t stand kids or appreciate parent/child relationships then be honest and don’t go out with men who have kids. They should respectfully come first.

It’s a part of him and who he is. His daughter will be his daughter until his dying day. Sorry, there’s no point in you carrying this on OP.

It’s not a contest you can win.

Flowers Wine

Alienspaceship · 27/05/2018 09:07

You are being honest that you are too immature for this relationship. Find someone without children. Don’t stay and ruin this little girl’s relationship with her father.

arghihatethis · 27/05/2018 09:28

Leave. It's not fair on his DD

She shouldn't suffer because you can't sort out your jealousy

Don't destroy the relationship between a child and parent so you can have a man - plenty more men for you without kids, she however only has a choice of 1 father

swingofthings · 27/05/2018 09:29

Of course you can control how you feel. You start listening to your head rather than your heart and you give it time.

What it comes down to is just one thing: you've fallen in love with a man who isn't going to offer you the perfect life you aspire to. That will NOT change. So you need to decide whether he is wonderful enough, and your love for him is such that it worth sacrificing the perfect image of the relationship/family you build in your head, or whether your aspiration of this family life is worth sacrificing your love for him to find someone else to love who can give your perfect life.

What is clear is that you are NOT going to get both from this man, end of. This is life. Some people search for their perfect family life all their lives and never find it and end up alone. Some are rewarded for their patience. Most come to the reality that some sacrifices need to be made, but that these are worth what you get. Only you can decide.

corythatwas · 27/05/2018 09:47

I really don't think it sounds as if this relationship has a future: as others have said, you are quite simply at different stages in life. And there is quite a lot at stake here: whatever the reasons this little girl and her dad live apart, she needs to come first for him for a very long time still. If you cannot handle that with grace and maturity, then this relationship is not for you.

And quite frankly, there is much about this relationship, from an adult pov, that raises question marks anyway. It's not just the age difference, it's the fact that you sound very young and (this is equally important), that he clearly doesn't mind being with somebody who is so obviously still mentally very young. THAT would raise concerns for anybody with a little bit of life experience. WHY doesn't he mind? WHAT is he hoping to get out of this relationship with somebody who clearly isn't on the same wave-length as him.

Cockmagic · 27/05/2018 09:49

Please don't continue with this man.

You're entitled to feel jealous, you're still young and don't have children of your own.

Find someone your own age who doesn't yet have kids.

The age gap is not working here.

TokenGinger · 27/05/2018 10:28

Iwas - She says the age difference is 20 years. Not that she is 20 years old. She could well be 30, dating a 50 year old man.

I think it’s a bit distasteful to assume that he upped and left his daughter when there’s just as much chance his daughter was born and raised here and upon separation, her DM moved her back to her native country.

Your post is vile.

JennyHolzersGhost · 27/05/2018 10:37

Good luck with your daddy issues, OP.

Namechanger1404 · 27/05/2018 12:10

I agree tokenginger iwas post is vileHmm

I think this is very common in step relationships, and not just with women either. If you’re young OP then find someone without children. You have been brutally honest here, but you’ve also stated you know it’s unreasonable too, that’s s positive.

Look at it from his daughters eyes, the eyes of an innocent child, that may help you. Personally I don’t think your relationship will work, only you know that.

Nailsshinelikejustice · 27/05/2018 12:14

I think PPs are being a bit unfair here. You've acknowledged that your jealousy is immature and you want to move past it - some people would not have the self awareness to understand or attempt that. Too many assumptions being made about you and your partner!

I would reiterate what others have said. The love he has for his child is completely different to the love he has for you. One does not exclude the other - there's room for both. But the order of priority is a different point. He's a parent, he's got no choice. He needs to prioritise her in the any contact time available to him, made even more precious by her living so far away. Doesn't mean he loves you less though.

didsomeonesaybunny · 27/05/2018 12:14

OP age gap relationships are hard especially when the DP has children from a previous relationship. As other posters have said maybe meeting her would be helpful?

He is always going to prioritise his daughter because DC must always come first. My Ex and current partner both big age gaps had DC from previous relationships (I had no DC) so it was a bit of a shock to my system initially but when I got to know the DC I loved them and felt enriched that they were part of my life.

Maybe being throwing in the towel you could ask Dp if a meet is on the cards?

RussianBluee · 27/05/2018 12:14

What are you doing with a man so much older? You really sound like you have some unresolved emotional trauma and upset to be sharing your "daddy". Sorry i know my post is obnoxious but i have first hand experience of this and there were emotional issues in the person from childhood. I say end it and focus on getting counselling for yourself and inner child.

BakedBeans47 · 27/05/2018 12:18

You sound extremely young and immature OP.

It’s clear this relationship isn’t going to go anywhere. Split up and find someone else without kids. You are being ridiculous but there isn’t any way round the fact he has a child who will or at least should always come ahead of you in his priorities and if you can’t handle that the relationship is pointless.

Nailsshinelikejustice · 27/05/2018 12:26

I think my daughter's step dad understands that it's as if she is part of me. In loving me, he can't not accept and love her. We come as an indivisible package. So I agree with others that meeting her might help. If it doesn't then maybe you don't love him enough to accept this part of him?

Namechange128 · 27/05/2018 12:35

You sound very young yourself - is that perhaps why you are so jealous of a 12 year old?
He will always love her more, if he is any kind of father. Or would you really rather be with a man who loved his own child less than a girlfriend?
Do you have an equal relationship or are you seeing him in a paternal relationship to you too? This challenge is not new - just remember Snow White, do you really want to become Maleficent?

There are plenty of men out there without DC, and I think for all three of your sakes, you should look for one of those.

Cricrichan · 27/05/2018 12:38

My children are the most important beings to me. They will always come first. I would never be with someone who was jealous of the love and attention I give to my kids.

And if whoever I was with had children, I'd expect them to come before me (as long as it was reasonable).

His daughter is about to embark into her teenage years. That's a really difficult period and if you're already bothered when she doesn't even live in the same country, I'd leave him and find someone with no children.

Melmam · 27/05/2018 12:48

**Iwasjuatabouttosaythat
You have made a lot of assumptions here and many of them might not be true first the op hasn't said how old she is and no he is not a creepy man for being with a younger woman a lot of people have relationships with big age gaps that. You don't no of he took of on his wife and child or if she decided to move country ect your meant to be giving the op some helpful advice not say awful things.

I think maybe if you met his daughter if you haven't already that may help you bond and have a relationship with her too I do agree with a pp a parent have unconditional love for their children and it is completely different to the love you have for one another always will be how old are you? I have three step children and I love them all very much I can say until I met them I wasn't sure how I was feeling towards it all tbh we now have our own two boy's too and yes we have a big crazy family but I wouldn't have it any other way all 5 children have an amazing bond with one another. Its definitely a difficult one and I think you need to take some time out to think it all through if it's what you really want because she is his daughter and will not be going anywhere so you need to accept them as a package.

Swipe left for the next trending thread