Wish he didn't have a child

[Ribrabrob]

I'm in a fairly new relationship with somebody quite a lot older than me (by 20 years). I love him, I think he's great, he treats me fantastically but there's one thing I'm finding so hard: he has a 12 year old daughter. She doesn't live with him, in fact she lives in a different country, however I can't help but feel jealous every time he speaks to her on the phone, goes to visit her, even mentions her etc etc. I feel awful for thinking it, but I wish he didn't have a child. I don't want to have to share his love and affection. I don't want him to love her more than he loves me. I feel absolutely pathetic for feeling this way, but just I can't help it.

Whilst it's still early days, we have spoken about having our own children. I never used to want them but recently changed my mind and know that I do, however I can't help but feel sad that he's already been there, done that.

How can I get over my feelings and move forward? I try and convince myself that it's fine and it's good that he's a good dad, however the majority of the time it upsets me. I'm scared it's going to ruin our relationship further down the line and cause resentment, however I do love him and would love to be with him for a really long time. I'm just scared that the jealousy will eat away at me, so I really want to get over it. It's strange because I've never really been a jealous person up until now.

I already know that I'm ridiculous (and perhaps immature) for feeling like this, but I'm just looking for some constructive advice please. Has anybody ever been in this situation and how did you move on?

Thank you.

From experience, children know when an adult dislikes or resents them, even if the adult makes sincere efforts not to show it. If you feel like this now it will be much, much worse if you have a child with this man. My advice would be to end the relationship before you screw this girl's life up and find someone else to work through your daddy issues with.

It sounds like this relationship just isn't right for you and that's fine. There are plenty of men that don't have kids out there. I don't think the comments about him leaving his child, been a creepy old man etc are helpful to the OP, we know nothing about the divorce or the ages of the people involved.

Lots of people having relationships with big age gaps doesn't make a man fucking a woman closer in age to his child than to him not creepy.

Your relationship is fairly new. Get out now before you become involved any deeper, it won't end well for you, him or his DD.

Dump him, why settle for someone else’s sloppy seconds?
Fuck me! That's nasty!

Incredibly childish! You cannot change the fact that he has a child!!!!!!! Get over it or find somebody new!!!!!

Women like you make me sick. I really hope my DD's Dad doesn't end up with a cow like you

You sound like you're just not compatible to be with someone with kids. Not everyone is.
When dating someone older there's probably a higher possibility that they will have children than not ave them and you have to accept this.
I was a single mum of three when I met my partner and it was important to me that whoever I met would love and accept my children. I met the right person and now have a fourth child and we are a family unit. But if he had felt the way you feel, we wouldn't have lasted.

Sorry melman, but I thought my advice was helpful advice. Yes, I made many assumptions that may be way off base, but if any (or all) of them are true the OP should realise what a bad situation this is and move on.

I’m amazed that people are so familiar with the older man/younger woman narrative that they think it’s “vile” to point out that he is literally old enough to be her father. That he was a fully grown man when she was a new born baby.

Lots of people having relationships with big age gaps doesn't make a man fucking a woman closer in age to his child than to him not creepy.

^This. I can’t put it more clearly than that.

Sure, maybe his DD’s mother moved away with his DD and he was left helplessly missing her, but back in reality, 99.99999999% of single parent homes are run by women because the father wouldn’t take full responsibility for what he created. There’s nothing to suggest this isn’t the case here. Maybe the OP will come back and enlighten us about the love of her life that she’s known for two months?

I thought my advice was helpful advice

I guess enough people have put you right on that one now.

Diodati,
I so sympathise. I was told at age 11 [my mother died when I was much younger] by my dad's new wife that ''It is very hard to love another woman's child'' and ''It was your dad I loved, you were always there'' [said with a furious face]...It hurt me deeply, and it for good reason that step parents in folklore are sometimes termed ''wicked''...Of course there are some good ones, but I have noticed that new wives/girlfriends always ''outbreed'' the first wife...as if to say ''I have three children compared to her one'' .
Jealousy is a dreadful thing, and for a child to be the cause of this jealousy is not remotely healthy. Find a partner who has no ''past'' if it bothers you.

Walk away. This isn't the relationship for you. I wouldn't have dated a man with kids in younger days, because I had options. I didn't need the baggage.

You arent cut out for this type of relationship.

He’ll always love her more and rightly so

And any child you have together will only be equal with this child. It won’t be a replacement.

Agree with this.

And you’ll have to share his love and attention with two other people rather than one.

True again.

The jealousy shows you aren't mature enough for this relationship.

LOL so potentially hes pushing 50 and is dabbling with the idea of having kids? Overconfident or what...

How old are you op? And how long have you been in this relationship?

Being jealous of a 12 year old girl must be hard to admit. I also think you need to walk away, you're not mature enough to be in this relationship and will probably get hurt. When you are jealous of children you know you have a significant problem, and he will guess it from your reaction.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat

So many assumptions in your post.

Look at it from her point of view. She doesn't even live in the same country as her dad. You get to see him everyday. She sees an important to him, woman, take her place in his affections. She hasn't got the emotional maturity to deal with it. You do, or should have, as the adult.

I think she gets the worst deal TBH. Feel sorry for her, especially if you meet her and it takes her a while to warm to you because she is feeling the same as you do. Have some empathy and not expect too much of her.

It's not an either/or situation. He can love both of you in different ways. And part of what you love about him is how he feels about his DD, even if you can't actually see that all the time. He wouldn't be the man you love if he wasn't like that. He'd be a much worse version of himself.

In other words give your head a wobble and remind yourself that you are both lucky to have such a great man. You don't love the first child any less when you have a second. Love expands. Same with an adult/child relationship. You are not sharing his love. There is just more of it.

Easy, get a brand new man, not a second hand used version.

Sorry if that came across a bit harsh, but it's the only way round your troubles.

Afraid I agree with this.

I don't think you're a bad person at all. I might feel similar.

Don't make him choose because he will choose his DD every time.
You sound very immature and you should be careful what you wish for.

Well, no, MyOther, seems just about as many people agree with me.

Iwasjust they agree that the relationship sounds fraught with difficulties but they do not agree that it's a good idea to go jumping to wild conclusions about somebody you don't know, just because of statistics

much better to stick to what the OP has actually told us

and that in itself, I would agree, gives food for thought

Op, if issued with an ultimatum he might prioritise you, particularly if he is the sort of father who moved away from his child, but would you want a man who did that? Prioritised a gf over a child? I wouldn't.

Ok, so it’s the assumption he wants to get his rocks off with a woman young enough to be his DD rather than taking care of his own DD that’s bothering you? Yes, given the information provided by the OP I now see what a “wild conclusion” I came to there. How could I have thought that was likely to be the case? Stupid “statistics”.

And some of the assumptions about him are horrible. Finding a beautiful young woman of, say, 28 attractive when you are in your 40s does not mean you scout playgrounds thinking 'not much longer now'. Honestly, seriously nasty and unpleasant judgements that say more about the poster than the subject. I know of two couples with large age differences. It wouldn't be for me. I can't help wondering whether the age difference will seem more marked at 55/75 or 60/80, but nothing particularly creepy about it.

Get a new man.

I’m actually genuinely surprised by the number of youngish/attractive women who take guys with children as “serious relationship prospects” .

Maybe if you’ve got children yourself and like the “mother role” and don’t have many other prospects.

But men with children seem to offer fuck all to the childless woman.

Even if you like the whole mature successful type, one with children is just a nightmare.

Sure it’s hard to meet decent guys often. But you’re definitely not going to meet one if you’re shackled to meeting the needs of someone else’s family.

The vibe I get from these interactions is SOMEONE always feels unhappy. Either the stepchild or the new wife. It’s like one party is always feeling hard done by.

Even if there is a certain amount of peace/harmony initially, shit hits the fan when it comes to inheritance/caring duties/finances etc.

Or if a new child comes along. Or the big decisions like having to always live in Z area or finance a house with X bedrooms.

Id end the relationship and move on op.

Some interesting comments that I've most definitely needed to hear and has given me food for thought. I think I know that I have to move on, sooner rather than later.

Just to clear up, he and his wife split amicably however she moved back to her home country after they divorced. He was heartbroken when his daughter moved and even tried to move out there himself, however it wasn't possible.

Also to clairify I would never openly be horrible to the girl and certainly wouldn't treat her in the way an evil step mother would. I'd do all I could to put my (pathetic and immature) feelings aside/hide them in to be kind to her. However I think it's clear what I need to do and this won't even be something I'll need to think about now, anyway.

Everybody has said things I needed to hear but didn't really want to. It's just so hard ☹️ He's the only man I've ever felt this way about. I guess I have some thinking to do.

Re the comments about me being immature, I know this is true and I have some growing up to do.

Thank you for all the comments.