DH says he's walking on eggshells. I feel like my marriage is doomed, and it's a self-fulfilling prophecy

[ButternutSquaffles]

Together 10 years, have an 18 month old DC. Before DC I'd have said we were the strongest couple I knew. I had absolutely no doubt we were a rock-solid team and completely supportive of each other.

A few things have happened that might be what started me/us down this destructive path - I'd a bad birth and he went home and nearly missed it, he was really great after but I don't understand how he could have gone home. Then his family were very cruel to me after the birth, and I struggle with that a lot too because my family don't live here and his family were supposed to be my family.

I now find myself convinced that we're going to split up. I think he doesn't love me anymore. I don't see why he would ever love me again, because I will never be as good a version of me as I used to be. I am like a broken person and he can't deal with this version of me. And so I feel like we'll split up down the line, so I'm having to watch us disintegrate in slow motion, and that is mentally torturous and I am not very good at dealing with mental pain. Then I get upset and it's a vicious circle, spiralling down.

He says that I'm flying off the handle at the smallest negative comment (I am), so he's on eggshells.

Don't know what to do.

You sound like you've had the rug pulled from beneath you, so I can understand why you're questioning the foundation of what your relationship was built on.

Birth trauma can really negatively impact people and relationships. Have you ever had any support with this?

It sounds as though you're trapped in a catch 22 cycle of negative thinking. It's so hard to lift yourself out of it, but it IS possible.

I say this gently but from a place of personal experience- you sound depresssed. It can cloud every thought in your head and make it very difficult to think straight. It would be worth discussing with your GP.

I suspect that your relationship is absolutely salvageable

I think a trip to the GP for you for some short term help, and some counselling, would do you the world of good. You can’t change the past, but you can change what happens next.

Thing is, I really don't think I am depressed. I am feeling crap about myself, yes, but I think that's a perfectly logical way to feel at the moment, given the situation I'm in. If I spoke to someone, or was medicated for it, it wouldn't change the fact that my relationship has no solid base anymore and my husband seems indifferent to me being here.

I haven't spoken to anyone properly about the birth but I think I can deal with the birth stuff fine, it's the way my in-laws treated me afterwards that upsets me more.

Thanks for your kind replies.

He used to be very proud of me, I felt that he was. Little achievements and big ones, I felt that he was proud.

He's not now, but then I'm not so good as I used to be so I think that's understandable. I definitely feel like I've 'peaked', so he's not going to get those feelings back.

What has your husband said when you’ve talked about you fears, other than mentioning your short-temperedness?

Do your anxieties comes from what he says he feels, or what you think he feels?

Sometimes he says he does love me. Other times he says he can't do this anymore. He has said that he thinks I'm like a car that's been in an accident and has a damaged bit.

I think my anxiety comes from what I think he feels, but the way he acts reinforces that I am right in what I think.

Can I ask what it was his family said/did to you?

You do have any friends you can talk to in real life? Or any other Mums? Do you take your DC out to groups?

You sound very lonely.

Would you consider counselling?

I think he doesn't love me anymore. I don't see why he would ever love me again, because I will never be as good a version of me as I used to be
You really need to tackle this.
There is no reason why you can't get YOU back.
But it will take time and effort.
From both of you.
You need to talk to someone about all of this.
A therapist would be a good idea.
It's got to be worth a try.
How about once you get that underway, some joint counselling.

How did your DH support you when your in-laws were being horrible?
Are you still in contact with them?

You sound depressed. Often the person who is depressed is the last to see it.

You are just as good as you used to be. Better in fact. You have created a new human being. How amazing is that? You have changed though. Everyone does when they become a parent, but that's not a bad thing, it's just a different thing.

I think you need to separate what happened with your birth with your life now. And you really need to separate what happened with your in-laws after the birth with how your DH is now. It would be helpful if you could share what it was they did though.

The thing is that it can be fairly difficult to live with someone who is depressed, for whatever reason, so I can understand your husbands comments about living on eggshells and not being able to keep on doing this.

You say that your relationship doesn't have a solid base anymore, but can you explain what you mean by that?

Please speak to your GP or your health visitor. You have issues that you may need some counselling or therapy for, and you genuinely do sound as though you may be depressed.

In laws - It's a long, probably boring, story and I think it won't sound like a big deal. After DC was born I wasn't in a very good way, had major PPH and needed transfusions, wasn't able to get out of bed when I got to the ward, had drip things in and catheter etc, and I'd not be able to get showered properly or dressed so was still in bloody nightie and sitting in a lot of blood. Didn't really want any visitors as I was so embarrassed, but I didn't want to take away DH's moment to introduce first GDC to his parents. So he told them they could come but I was very ill so not to bring anyone else.

They decided, that since they weren't coming to see me, only the baby, that me being ill wasn't a good enough reason not to bring people, so they ignored it and out they all sprung from behind the curtain. I was mortified, trying to cover up myself so it wasn't obvious my torn vagina was bleeding all over myself.

Then in the early months when I was struggling with DC, they did a few more things like that. Just very inconsiderate and unsupportive. Like they'd forgotten I was a person beyond the breeding machine.

A few months later I said I was upset about hospital and the similar stuff and I didn't understand why they did that, and they went nuclear. Basically cut their relationship with me. It's just fake pleasantries now.

DH supported me, he was very angry they had selfishly trampled all over us at such a difficult time when he specifically asked them not to bring anyone. But we still see them every other week so they can see DC -and it's like death by a thousand cuts.

You say that your relationship doesn't have a solid base anymore, but can you explain what you mean by that?

I just think before I went into labour I'd have said, with 100% certainty, that we were a solid unit, we would always be able to trust the other to be there in good and hard times, illness etc. Completely trusted that we were a team and no matter what, we'd tackle it together.

I don't believe that now.

Hi OP
Ok - first things first - stop catastrophising - like everything spells ‘the end!’ - lots of things get put on hold for a new baby - and they’re not gone forever!
Secondly - there are underlying resentments you feel (about his not being there - his family) which are intruding into your everyday relationship. You can’t change what’s happened and neither can DP - but you can explain how it’s made you feel - not to make accusations- but so as to feel understood and so that you can both deal with the feelings it’s left you with.
A good chat - some apologies- and an attempt to reconnect starting with kindness toward each other and an appreciation of what you are each struggling with would be a good start?
Some counselling for you to deal with all the issues that are leading you to feel quite so doom laden, or tetchy or prone to overreact.
Some time out - for you individually and for both you and DP together - just a couple of hours to remind each other what’s underneath - because you don’t go from solid to zero quite so rapidly without a very obvious change.
Good luck OP

But why has your solid base gone? Your DH supported you when you spoke to his HORRIBLE family about the way they treated you at the hospital (and it is a big deal!).

Would going NC with them help you to feel more in control?

After such a traumatic birth, I really wouldn't rule out post natal depression. Please speak to your GP or health visitor.

I'm not a psychiatrist but I think that you may have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder probably due to the traumatic birth and subsequent ill treatment by your in laws and no support from your husband.
Please see your doctor.
Best wishes

NC with in-laws might help me, but they love DC and they're the only family DC has over here. And DH wouldn't want that either.

I had very similar situation with my third DC - terrible birth and he was ill. I could cope with all that but not my in-laws’ unkindness. As you said, I didn't feel like a real person to them.

I went to see a counsellor about 18 months on. I knew I wasn’t depressed but realised I probably had PTSD. I think I could have got through everything but that unkindness by people who had known me for a long time was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Seeing a counsellor helped unpick all that and showed me why those things were making me feel so bad, even damaged like you said. I was then able to describe how that made me feel to my husband in a way he understood.

He is someone who strides through life and couldn’t really understand why I was stuck where I was. It was a real low point in our marriage but counselling helped me and that in turn helped my marriage.

We are through the other side now and in a much more honest and supportive place when it comes to my in laws now.

What about a break from IL? Not a permanent NC, but just time and space for you to gather your thoughts and have a bloody break from them. DH can take visit once every 3 or 4 weeks while you have a much needed rest/fun activity/see friends.

Or you all take a break from them while you and DH get some counselling. You don’t discuss ILs except for when you’re with counsellor (although better to focus first on what you want from your relationship).

Seeing them every 2 weeks right now is like picking a scab and wondering why it doesn’t heal.

I agree with others that you do sound depressed. I think some space, counselling and focus on your needs for a bit would help.

I did say to the Health Visitor when she came out when DC was about 5months because I failed (by a mark or two) the EPND test, and she said she'd come back to see me in two months because she was a bit concerned, but that was a year ago!

I thought I was doing OK, so never chased it up. Until recently.

You're not doing OK. Not remotely. You certainly are very unwell. And you need to go to the GP.

Raederle that does sound quite similar to how I feel about ILs.

My worry about counselling is that I wouldn't know where to start. I'm don't know whether my issue is the birth (I don't think so), the treatment by DH's family, or DH. I feel like it's our marriage that's the problem, that if I still felt we were solid then I could deal with the rest.

I went to counselling thinking it was the birth and the fear around DC being ill but counselling showed me that it was actually my in laws that made it so much worse.

I was holding it all in because they are DH’s parents and he loves them.

I was furious underneath everything and I think it’s hard to live with an angry person. The counselling helped me understand why I was angry with them and explain it to DH in a way that didn’t make him feel defensive of them.

I wonder if joint counselling would help. My in laws live overseas so come to stay and DH and I have clear conversations about what I will cope with when they are here. That support makes me feel like he’s got my back now when I didn’t feel like that when it was all happening.

All the best to you OP . I hope you turn a corner very soon.

Sorry nothing to add that hasn’t been said.

You don't have to know but where to start with counselling. The counselor will help you work very through and sort out how different things are affecting you. You just need to turn up and tell them the sorts of things you have been telling us!

My worry about counselling is that I wouldn't know where to start.
IME a good counsellor will help you work this out, so you don’t need to worry about that, just consider giving it a go. Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time, Hope things improve for you soon

I think you could do with some counselling about the birth as starters.
You need to know what happened at your 'bad birth' and an explaination why - you can request to see your notes., and to get counselling to deal with the aftermath too.

Probably your DH doesn't 'get' how you feel and consequently this gulf between you has happened.

You need to involve your DH ask him to support you through getting over this. Try these people as a start: www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/help-support/what-is-birth-trauma