DH says he's walking on eggshells. I feel like my marriage is doomed, and it's a self-fulfilling prophecy

[ButternutSquaffles]

Together 10 years, have an 18 month old DC. Before DC I'd have said we were the strongest couple I knew. I had absolutely no doubt we were a rock-solid team and completely supportive of each other.

A few things have happened that might be what started me/us down this destructive path - I'd a bad birth and he went home and nearly missed it, he was really great after but I don't understand how he could have gone home. Then his family were very cruel to me after the birth, and I struggle with that a lot too because my family don't live here and his family were supposed to be my family.

I now find myself convinced that we're going to split up. I think he doesn't love me anymore. I don't see why he would ever love me again, because I will never be as good a version of me as I used to be. I am like a broken person and he can't deal with this version of me. And so I feel like we'll split up down the line, so I'm having to watch us disintegrate in slow motion, and that is mentally torturous and I am not very good at dealing with mental pain. Then I get upset and it's a vicious circle, spiralling down.

He says that I'm flying off the handle at the smallest negative comment (I am), so he's on eggshells.

Don't know what to do.

Sounds like you're saying that as soon as you produced a child, your husband acted as though you no longer had/have a need??? And that you're being made to feel like that is your fault into the bargain!!! That is disgraceful of him.

You have done nothing wrong x

What? You’re not the same as you used to be? You’ve grown a person, suffered a traumatic experience (bad birth), he left and didn’t support you (and didn’t explain why or apologise from the sound of it, then you had to go through all of the emotional changes of becoming a mother. Just to put a tin lid on it, his family were not only unsupportive, they were actually undermining, reading between the lines. Then he is acting disappointed that the ground is shifting under you for a while.

I am really angry on your behalf, OP. Where is his compassion for you? Why is he not having a go at his family for the way they have treated you? Why is he not giving you support so that you can get through this difficult time? Of course you will be yourself again. But that’s not the point. When you decided to have a child together, that was making a commitment. It means that you support each other through difficult times. The same as if he lost his job or suffered a bereavement you would support him.

I’m surprised your just irritable and not actually raging OP. Talking to someone may help not resolve the situation but find the space to express how you feel about it and how you intend to move on in this relationship.

You’re

The more you write the more it's clear to see that you need some professional help here.
Please reach out for it.
Don't suffer this on your own and in basic silence.
You don't NEED to know where to start.
The counsellor will help you with all of that.
You owe it to yourself and DC to get fully well and back to YOU.
Don't deny yourself that.
I really wish you well.
You absolutely deserve to feel better.
As other PPs have said it really does sound like PTSD.
That doesn't just 'go away' and you don't just 'get over it'.

Poor OP you have had a really horrible experience. There is nothing wrong with you but lots wrong with your husband who left you during labour and your in-laws who minimised your birth injuries and ignored your wishes re: Visitors.

I would definitely advise counselling but don't feel like you are the one at fault here :(

He did apologise for leaving me in labour. He said he was tired and thought it would all take a very long time and he'd be better being rested so he could help me more when things got further along. Unfortunately they were already further along. He is very sorry for that. But I can't imagine ever seeing him in the state I was in and thinking "I'll just go home and get myself some sleep". It's so alien to me how his thought process worked.

Ah I see. I missed this before. It changed the way you saw him. He wasn’t there when you needed him most. Then he was ineffective when you wanted him to help you with your in laws.

I’m not sure why you’re the one who’s seen as damaged. You’re justifiably angry and he should be doing everything he can to show he’s sorry, that he blew it and that it will never happen again.

But he is sorry for that. And he did try to speak up for me with in-laws (and we tried, many times, to explain why we were upset and why they shouldn't have done what they did, MIL was having none of it), which has resulted in them treating him like crap too.

He does assume that all compromises will be made by me. I am the sacrificial lamb who must find away to get over everything.

Do you think you can get over everything?

I felt the ptsd had changed me. I didn’t react to things the way I used to. Counselling helped it fade into the background - it wasn’t at the forefront of my mind anymore.

You’re still in the middle of it. My DC is 8 now.

But you have to decide to do something to change the situation. Try something you haven’t tried before even if you think it might not work.

I don't know. I think I'd be so much better if I had faith in how he feels about me. But then I'm aware I'm blaming him for my inability to deal with stuff and that's not fair.

I think it changes things when you’ve been together a long time and then you have children. DH and I were together 13 years before DCs came along so you know each other a certain way and then when you have children it exposes depths or shallows you never knew were there.

I just came to see that I needed to do something to change how I was feeling and it wasn’t even related to DH. As I felt better, we got on better and things became easier between us.

Sounds like you did really well Raederle and did the right thing. I think I will ask the GP about counselling.

I am the sacrificial lamb who must find away to get over everything.

That doesn't seem a rational response to the situation you've outlined here - which I think is why people have encouraged you to consider depression or PTSD.

You might never be able to fully understand why he left you; as much as you want to. You might have to make peace with it; and just accept that he didn't do it because he doesn't love you, and he regrets it. It feels like a lot of your current feelings stem from him leaving when you needed him; and that's underpinning everything you're feeling now. You've said yourself that he's sorry, and he did stand up for you with his parents. Can you think of anything he could do to make this up to you?

Do you think a period of you having NC with his parents; plus him not talking about them, and getting some therapy sessions to discuss your birth, that would help? Then you'd need to start recementing what you have - I don't doubt that feels like a challenge at the moment, but it's possible, if you want it to be.

I'm a bit worried about how down you seem; and how alone you feel. Are you generally feeling okay? Do things still make you feel happy?

Thank you, I did do well and I think you will too. That was one of the things I couldn’t understand with my in-laws. So many little digs and criticisms when I was on my knees virtually.

When I told the counsellor all we’d been through with DC and how my in-laws had been, she told me how well I’d done too. She said she didn’t normally make a comment like that. I said I must have needed to hear it.

It was really helpful to have an objective person on my side. I think you need one too.