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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He’s packing abs leaving in the morning

32 replies

Hollyhunter18 · 24/05/2018 22:52

He’s been so vile tonight. He’s packing now and I told him he can stay in a bnb until he finds a flat. I’ve got sciatica and really struggling but I’m better off without him even with half term. Any advice on how to handle the coming days?

OP posts:

Original poster

Hollyhunter18 · 24/05/2018 23:08

Sorry for typos I’m just in a mess. Any advice on dealing with the actual part of watching him leave and saying goodbye to the children? How should I avoid my emotions? How can I minimise contact ( he has sent me nasty manipulative texts in the past when he’s left telling me how awful his circumstances are)? I really need some help to push through this.

OP posts:

Helpimfalling · 24/05/2018 23:11

Go non contact till you get your strength back darling I'm so sorry your going through this

Original poster

Hollyhunter18 · 24/05/2018 23:19

How do you go no contact if you have kids?

OP posts:

GrasshopperLane · 24/05/2018 23:20

Is there someone neutral who can be the middle man at drop offs and pick ups even for now?

lifebegins50 · 24/05/2018 23:25

Only comminicate about the dc and don't respond immediately if you are feeling upset.

If you can stand back and observe not absorb you will see his manipulation.

You have posted alot about him so its time to give yourself a break.

Original poster

Hollyhunter18 · 24/05/2018 23:28

Thanks. I still feel sorry for him and guilty somehow even though he’s been so nasty to me-have to ignore my instincts and be hard to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hollyhunter18 · 24/05/2018 23:29

Since he told me yesterday that im a cunt and I’ll always be a cunt i might as well not disappoint.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 24/05/2018 23:31

I don't think he should say goodbye - it's too dramatic and they'll think they're not going to see him again.

Tell the children that he's staying in a hotel/with family or whatever for a bit because you haven't been getting along well. Tell them they can see him and phone him whenever they want to. Try to always have someone else with you when he's going to turn up.

You'll feel much better soon, honestly.

Original poster

Hollyhunter18 · 24/05/2018 23:34

My son is not yet 4 and has autism and my daughter is 6 months old. It’s half term next week and I have a disc problem in my back so I’m quite stressed about how I’ll
Manage but at least there’ll be no shouting.

OP posts:

Prestonsflowers · 24/05/2018 23:34

In your first post you have said that you’ll be better off without him, even with half term coming up.
If you can try and focus on the positives of him leaving and how much better your life will be without him.
It sounds like he will try and manipulate you into taking him back.
I agree with grasshopper.
If he’s leaving right now then try not to let any emotion show-easy for me to say- and I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to say goodbye to the children.
If you are able to don’t respond to emotional texts. Just ignore them. Don’t reply and try not to get into a text war.
I wish you well for the future

Sisterlove · 24/05/2018 23:35

Tell him contact is to be child related only. Don't respond to anything else.

PrizeOik · 25/05/2018 01:16

My eldest was your eldests age when I moved out. It's going to be ok.

Don't talk to ex. If he tries to talk, cut him off, be very neutral and ask him to email any requests to you. Always have somewhere to be. Never stick around or linger in anyway. Get a watch and look at it a lot and always be on the go. Don't reply to texts. All discussions via email and always give it at least a few hours if not 24 before responding...

You can do this

Original poster

Hollyhunter18 · 25/05/2018 07:18

So I am now very tense as I know he won’t be able to find an available flat that’s decent for about a week and he’s going to have to stay in bnbs with a small suitcase and it’s going to be awful and expensive.... this is not what I wanted but he upsets me to the point where I just can’t cope and I’ve got enough to cope with at the moment- I’m in terrible pain and have half term approaching. I have to stop myself trying to mother him and make sure he has what he needs because it will just make him angry.

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 25/05/2018 07:22

He is an adult..
You have to keep thinking that he is a nasty man.. and he is in a nasty place because he is a nasty man.
When he sends many texts just don't reply Just tell us instead...
He pulls you back because you reply

myidentitymycrisis · 25/05/2018 07:27

let him get on with it now he helped create this situation. You are responsible for looking after yourself and your kids.

as hes packing can you find something to get on with practical so you distract yourself and appears normal to the kids?

Sorry you are in pain but I think you have made the right decision.

Original poster

Hollyhunter18 · 25/05/2018 07:49

He’s gone

OP posts:

senioritabonita · 25/05/2018 07:52

Good. Can you go back to bed with a cuppa and the kids for a bit?

Beaverhausen · 25/05/2018 07:55

There are a few exercises on youtube that are simple enough and helps with the pain for sciatica, I also turned too acupuncture OP which helped me immensely.

As for the OH good riddance, be strong you can do this, trust me I have in the past. It is a struggle but you feel so much better for it even through the pain. Life will be so much easier and a lot less stressful for you.

RickOShay · 25/05/2018 07:56

Holly it’s not easy, but better that he goes than stays.
Have you got anybody who could come round today?

Original poster

Hollyhunter18 · 25/05/2018 08:03

Thanks everyone. I’m getting acupuncture - it’s the only thing that helps- no time for exercises at the mo though. Going back to bed not an option unfortunately. I actually think I want to be on my own today and think of my next steps. I’m worried about being hit with a wave of grief at some point. I feel nothing at the moment.

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User5trillion · 25/05/2018 08:03

Swimming cured my bad back but you will need to wait for the sciatica flare up to calm down.

For the man - just take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary. Don't look at the big picture just get through the day. Lots of tv for your little one for a day or so and call on friends / family. Good luck

Original poster

Hollyhunter18 · 25/05/2018 08:08

Thanks User5trillion swimming also helps me switch my brain off which will be helpful when I’m a bit better- on masses of codeine just to manage at the moment

OP posts:

justanotheruser18 · 25/05/2018 08:13

Try not to watch his goodbyes to the kids. And don't watch him leave. That'll rip your heart, even though he's vile. He will provably make you feel guilty.

It's normal to be upset though. This is the end of something. You don't need to hide your emotions. Or keep in mind that he called you a C and maybe that will keep you less emotional.

I'm sorry you're going through this. But I'm sure it's the right decision for you.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/05/2018 10:17

I'm glad he's gone and hopefully you will feel the weight lift from your shoulders soon.
For now only communicate regarding the DC.
Anything else, just ignore and do not respond.
I really hope your back gets better soon.

Original poster

Hollyhunter18 · 25/05/2018 12:18

I feel very strange. There seems no point in anything anymore.

OP posts:

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