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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

OCD Husband versus my old mum

57 replies

Heydiddlydee · 24/05/2018 16:22

I'm at my wits end & want other peoples views please.
My DH & I sold our house last year & purchased a bigger one with an annex for my elderly mum to move into to. It was all good throughout winter & she loved it. Now that spring has come, my mum wanted to plant some flowers in the garden & make it pretty... here is where my problem has started. My husband has always done all the gardening at our old house & always kept it lovely, but he is laying down the law to my mum on what she can & cant do. No plastic pots, no ornaments, no flowers out the front etc. He is now moaning that the few flowers he has allowed her to plant are not colour co-ordinating. He has told her that he will put stuff in the bin if he doesn't like it or he just picks things up and moves it to where he can't see it in the garden. I feel so upset for my mum, but he won't have any of it. I always knew he had a bit of OCD, but never realised how bad it was in the garden (because I have never helped to do any gardening, so never really paid too much attention). I know my mum is getting upset about all of this & I think she regrets moving in with us. I've tried talking to him, but he says its his garden, and wants it his way. (Unfortunately is is not the sort of garden that you can separate into each others parts because of the layout). We've been married 35 years, but I can feel this might end up splitting us up. My mums last few years were meant to be a nice place to live, but now he's turned into a dictator. I would appreciate anyone's view on how I handle this.

OP posts:
Caketak3awaybox · 29/05/2018 13:26

I agree with Clutter too. He is being a horrid bully.

Hont1986 · 29/05/2018 13:58

My husband has always done all the gardening at our old house & always kept it lovely ... I have never helped to do any gardening

So gardening is your husband's hobby and has been 'his thing' for at least the last 35 years. I don't know if I would be thrilled if my mother-in-law started taking over my hobby, even if rationally it is 'fair'.

Did you discuss how this was going to work before inviting her to live with you?

yeahforsummer · 29/05/2018 14:05

He will need to compromise, he needs to find something he can live with. I actually have quite a lot is sympathy for him, if he has a very clear vision of his garden and now he has to accept some really jaring flora combinations. But he is an adult and he does need to give up some of the outdoor space.

Hont1986 · 29/05/2018 14:19

The way he is expressing himself is obviously wrong. But if painting was his hobby, would people be saying that he should be giving a corner of each canvas to his mother-in-law?

Heydiddlydee · 29/05/2018 14:23

OK, as a quick update.
Thank you to everyone that gave me a response. I think it made me see the light a little.
DH can be a complete arse, but I'm not lying when I say we have only argued 5 times. He is a bit of a control freak, but please do not feel sorry for me. I am a very strong independent woman & I am certainly not scared of him. I am also the bread winner in this household, so he has no hold over me. I also know that he adores me and would do anything for me, (but I did hate him the other day when I wrote that post for making my mum unhappy.)
He could obviously sense how sad I was last week, so we had a long chat. He has agreed to allow mum her pots in the garden (although he insisted on buying ones that he liked..lol). However, mum did push it a bit on Sunday & placed a 4ft artificial silk plant at her front door (which again he hates), but he is trying to ignore it & be nice. He has never shouted at my mum, so wasn't being cruel in that sense (in case anyone misunderstood before).

I did point out to him that he only owns 33% of the garden (which didn't go down well), but he also said that he knew my mum couldn't move again, so he had to make it work.
I spoke to my mum & said I would help her with the flowers next year. I found a wonderful flower display picture on the internet & asked if she would like me to help her do that next year. She was over the moon, because all the flowers/plants were in a pattern. DH also liked the display so said he would be very happy with that.
Hopefully these are all just teething problems of all living together in the first year, and once everyone has got their own routine/area it will be a different story next spring time.
DH is back to being his daft old soppy self now for now, so lets hope he continues.
As a last note....I did tell mum that if he doesn't behave, then I'm going to have him bumped off & buried under the tree... then we will plant all the flowers he hates over the top of him... no one will ever know :)

OP posts:
fuzzyfozzy · 29/05/2018 20:45

Well done

AdaColeman · 29/05/2018 21:08

What a great update!

Lovely idea to plan ahead for next summer with your Mum, I bet she will be thrilled.
Did your Mum have a chuckle at Plan B with the tree, and flowers he wouldn't like? You've got a naughty streak Hey!

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