OCD Husband versus my old mum

[Heydiddlydee]

I'm at my wits end & want other peoples views please.
My DH & I sold our house last year & purchased a bigger one with an annex for my elderly mum to move into to. It was all good throughout winter & she loved it. Now that spring has come, my mum wanted to plant some flowers in the garden & make it pretty... here is where my problem has started. My husband has always done all the gardening at our old house & always kept it lovely, but he is laying down the law to my mum on what she can & cant do. No plastic pots, no ornaments, no flowers out the front etc. He is now moaning that the few flowers he has allowed her to plant are not colour co-ordinating. He has told her that he will put stuff in the bin if he doesn't like it or he just picks things up and moves it to where he can't see it in the garden. I feel so upset for my mum, but he won't have any of it. I always knew he had a bit of OCD, but never realised how bad it was in the garden (because I have never helped to do any gardening, so never really paid too much attention). I know my mum is getting upset about all of this & I think she regrets moving in with us. I've tried talking to him, but he says its his garden, and wants it his way. (Unfortunately is is not the sort of garden that you can separate into each others parts because of the layout). We've been married 35 years, but I can feel this might end up splitting us up. My mums last few years were meant to be a nice place to live, but now he's turned into a dictator. I would appreciate anyone's view on how I handle this.

I can see this ending in a huge row.. which even the thought of that brings tears to my eyes.. I hate confrontation :(

I agree with others. It's as much her garden as his and vise versa. If had diagnosed OCD then he could possibly be "excused" but as he doesn't and so just wants to dicate, then he has to compromise

I don’t think he deserves the excuse of blaming it on a disorder that he probably doesn’t have tbh. He just sounds horribly controlling and bossy.

People with OCD are usually motivated by the need and sense of responsibility to protect those around them. Their problem is that they care too much.

He isn’t motivated by that sort of mindset, he’s just being a bully who wants things his way. Oh, and OCD isn’t about liking certain colours in order etc, it’s a completely misunderstood disorder.

I would have said it's his garden and your mum would have to suck it up but if she's contributed then she has as much right as he has.
I do sympathise because mixed colours jarr on me and I like things in the garden to be a certain way too, but he's going to have to compromise on this somehow.
How will it affect you financially if she wants to move out? Maybe talking about the practical things may make him see that he has to give some leeway.

If she's contributed a % of the price of the property then she's bought a % of the garden too!

Your poor mum. Would it be possible to refinance so that she can have her contribution back and help her to find somewhere else to live - maybe very near you? She has every right to some tubs of flowers. He is being horribly unreasonable

We are best friends & have only every have about 5 rows in all our years together, but this is tearing me apart because I know he is wrong. I just don't know how to get him to compromise?

You can't make him compromise. What you can do is state your position very clearly and calmly. You can tell him how you feel, and how your mum feels, and see what his reaction is. What is your position? Are you clear in your own mind? He is being controlling and nasty to your mum, and putting you in a position where you have to choose between them. Not pleasant characteristics.

Why have you only argued 5 times in 35 years? Really? In my experience, a statement like that usually means that one person has kept things to themselves, or does as they're told to keep the other one happy.

Could you make her a raised bed with a trellis screen perhaps?
Diagram of garden may be helpful here.
Can you explain to dh it would be temporary?

I find it hard to believe that the garden is the only thing your husband has been such a prick about during your long marriage. Is it possible he is like this with other issues, but you have conditioned yourself to let him have his way as to avoid confrontation, something which you are admittedly very uncomfortable with? But now that your mother is also impacted, you have been backed into a corner and are being forced to deal with his ridiculous behaviour. The fact that you said this issue could end your marriage makes me think there's a lot more going on.

If he's that much of a pedant, maybe remind him that only 33.333% of it is his garden.

If he's that much of a pedant, maybe remind him that only 33.333% of it is his garden

Indeed

You need to tell him now that it is not your garden it's a shared garden. If your mum hadn't paid towards it he'd be a mean bastard but have an argument but she has so tough shit. How dare he say she can't have any bloody flower pots outside her front door!

Is he a retired victor meldrew type with no other outlet than picking on an elderly lady who has contributed significant finances to the home? What a twat.

Although I take his point about the plastic ducks.

but he says its his garden, and wants it his way.
Like fuck is it.
3 of your live there.
So it's a shared space for all of you.
He sounds horrid OP.
Your poor DM just wants a little something for her and he begrudges it.
He needs to be TOLD!!!!

Why can the garden not be partitioned? I cannot envisage a garden that cannot be in some way partitioned.

I love my garden, I am very particular about it. I think a lot about shapes and colours and succession planting. Actually I probably think about it too much. I would hate someone to mess with it and plant random clashing flowers.

Equally I cannot imagine how awful it would be to have to look at someone else's garden and not be allowed a patch of my own.

If your husband really cared about gardening he would understand that, he would appreciate how your mum feels. He has to give her a bit for herself. He is being an absolute arse.

have only every have about 5 rows in all our years together, - is that because you have always 'agreed' for a quiet life, OP?

But now, that's it's your old mum on the line, you are willing to make a stand - and this will be a big row?

Fuck that shit. It's her garden as well, and if she wants windmills and plastic ducks, - well, she won't be there forever. I'd be telling him to either let her have her stuff, or he moves out and into his own place.

So he was happy to take money from your mum to buy the property you ALL live in, but is not willing to let your mum have what she likes in her garden.

I'd be telling HE has to section off an area of garden outside your mum's home so she can garden how she likes plastic ducks and all or let her garden how she likes in the family garden.

Or he can find a way to pay her back for the money she put into the property so she can buy somewhere to live out her final years in peace with being bullied by him.

He doesn't have OCD he just selfish man who wants to bully an old lady and you to get what he wants. It's not his garden it is every one who lives in the property garden.

How sad .
Is there any chance of asking your husband to look at this from the outside? You are three adults living in the property and so in my opinion are of equal importance in terms of choices. You poor Mum isn't a second tier member of the family. We don't all share the same taste but it is obnoxious to think that one's own ideas have more validity than someone else's.
What ever excuse one makes for your husband; gardening being his stress reliever, talent as a designer, anxiety disorder etc it still sounds a bit unpleasant.if he genuinely isn't controlling in other areas there is hope but if this is you having your eyes opened through the medium of your mother then I am sorry.

I'd hate his idea of a garden, with all the colours "in order" - ugh!

I don't understand why you can't section a little bit off? Just create a path with gravel or some stones or something.

You DH needs to chill the fuck out - he's making an elderly woman uncomfortable and upset in what should be a loving home. You need to give him a serious talking to, OP.

What kind of garden can't be sectioned off?? Please give us a diagram.

It's the most obvious answer and we don't know why you can't.

Can the compromise and she has the front and he has the back (or vice versa). Your husband is being an arse, it's as much her garden as his and he needs to share.

@Clutterbugsmum hit the nail on the head.

@Heydiddlydee - how are thing's?

Oh, and OCD isn’t about liking certain colours in order etc, it’s a completely misunderstood disorder.

^This. Saying your husband has OCD is an insult to those who really do suffer from it.