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Original poster

Sick of him talking about other women

62 replies

NormskiNamechange · 24/05/2018 11:46

My DP is really starting to annoy me. He is regularly going on about how attractive other women are. In the last five days he has told me how attractive he finds colleagues’ wives, people on tv and other people he met at the weekend. This morning I’ve had a monologue about how ‘fit’ a particular actress is.

It’s really starting to annoy me and makes me feel like shit, as he NEVER compliments me.

I am starting to really suffer with my self esteem, which is a problem I didn’t have before this relationship.

I know men will all find other women attractive. I find other men attractive but I don’t go on about how attractive they are to him all the time.

I’ve told him I don’t like it but he says I’m overreacting.

I’d be grateful for your views as to whether I should just try to let this wash over me.

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 24/05/2018 13:43

I agree with the other posters -this relationship has run its course.

You told him to stop it and he took that as a green light to ramp it up because he gets a level of ego supply, or even just entertainment, in putting you down, directly or indirectly. No.

When he didn’t like it when you complimented other mens’ appearance, why did you stop? Because you respect that (or are afraid of him?)...now you can see he doesn’t hold that respect for you. That is contempt and yes, a deal breaker.

HollowTalk · 24/05/2018 14:00

Imagine if he was honest on an online dating profile:

"I will never compliment you. Ever. However, I will always be on the look out for attractive women. I'll stare at the in the street, make comments on their appearance, stare at my friends' girlfriends and express jealousy of my friends. You will be expected to put up and shut up. Oh and if you look at another man, I will be very unhappy and let you know about it."

Do you think he'd get a date?

Original poster
NormskiNamechange · 24/05/2018 17:16

Haha - no he wouldn’t get a date! When you put it like that, it sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?

OP posts:
Lemonyknickers · 24/05/2018 17:41

As PP have said, why stay? You have no kids and your own homes. Just tell him you're done and when he asks why just say you've realised you could do better, and walk. This tactic is well known, man secures his partner by making her feel so rubbish she can't possibly leave him. It's an awful way to live OP and you do deserve better.

Original poster
NormskiNamechange · 25/05/2018 13:49

I haven’t had the chance to talk to him yet but he started again today over email- he’s away today. A colleague of his had offered him a massage the other day (presumably as a joke).

I talking to him about something else and he said to me ‘stop your moaning or I’ll take X (colleague) up on her offer of a naked massage. I wasn’t even moaning.

I told him to crack on but not to be surprised if I left him for a younger hotter model (I know awful terminology Hmm ). He was not happy at all. I told him not to dish it out if he couldn’t take it.

Thanks for everyone’s advice. I will certainly be talking to him tomorrow.

OP posts:
tangoed2 · 25/05/2018 13:53

Put him in the bin and go and find yourself the younger, hotter alternative.

Life is too short to waste time on someone who isn't talking about YOU that way.

deadringer · 25/05/2018 14:02

You have told him it upsets you so he is either doing it deliberately to hurt you or he doesn't care how you feel. Either way he is a dick. You deserve better op.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/05/2018 14:07

Why bother?
He's an asshole.
You are starting to realise this.
It's time to find that younger hotter model!

Puttingthefootdown · 25/05/2018 14:14

Ugh! LTB

angieloumc · 25/05/2018 14:16

Being single for the rest of your life would be better than being with this sorry excuse of a partner.
He's chipping away at your self esteem, before you know it you'll believe what he says. Get rid of him and you'll be much happier I'm sure.

ShatnersWig · 25/05/2018 14:23

Fuck that shit. Kick his sorry arse out and tell him to go and be with one of these other attractive women.

MagicFajita · 25/05/2018 14:28

I agree with pps op , he's doing it on purpose to chip away at your self esteem.

You can do far better than him.

AhYerWill · 25/05/2018 14:33

Ugh the thought of being with someone like this makes my skin crawl. if he was 12, a good talking to might help him learn to respect women. at 45, sorry he's stuck being a misogynistic pig.

tootiredtospeak · 25/05/2018 14:34

Keep going when he makes a comment about a colleague say something like. Oh my colleague X is always saying how I should trade in my old model for a new one...its so disrespectful isnt it when they know you have a partner.
Or if its a freinds wife say..yeah but I bet hes good in bed you can just tell.
Itll either make him think or it will be the end Either way you get to keep your self esteem.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/05/2018 14:38

Puke.

What vile arsehole.

Don't sink to his level, boot him out FFS. Gross.

QueenOfMyWorld · 25/05/2018 14:39

My dh doesn't do this as he values his life 😊

MagicFajita · 25/05/2018 14:39

My exh did this op , it started out with fairly innocent stuff like saying that Kylie looks good in her latest video but years later he had moved on to commenting on my closest friends looks and saying their boyfriends were very lucky blokes. Apparently my friend was far prettier than me.

He's my exh for a reason.

AgentJohnson · 25/05/2018 17:12

The point of talking to him about this yet again, is what exactly? It isn't that he doesn't know how you feel, you've told him enough. It's just that doesn't care how you feel.

The question isn't 'why is he such an insecure desperate manipulative arsehole'? The question you should be asking is 'why the fuck you think so little of yourself that you've put up with this shit for so bloody long'?

You deserve better, so when the f**k are you going to start demanding it?

fannycraddock72 · 25/05/2018 17:25

I had something similar but more about how others complimented them, my ex would say things like..”I was talking to a gay person the other night in a bar and they said I was good looking enough to turn them straight” Confused

Or “I think I have a stalker, (accused stalker) keeps driving past the house and I’ve heard from someone (a neighbour) they fancy me”

Or they would mention a relative had behaved inappropriately towards them at an event, but when I pushed the matter and asked what had happened I was told to “drop it”.

I guess it was more of an attention seeking thing than an attempt to undermine my self esteem, but over the years such comments wore down my self esteem.

In your case there must be a reason why he’s saying these comments, it’s not normal, sounds like he’s after a reaction from you. No doubt if you were to mention it he’d gaslight you and say something like ‘don’t be silly I don’t mean anything by it’ or ‘you’re overreacting”.

Motoko · 25/05/2018 17:32

I agree, what's the point of talking to him tomorrow? Unless it's to tell him he's dumped, he's not worth trying to keep.

He doesn't give a shit how you feel, so talking is not going to change him. The only thing it may do, is put him on his best behaviour for a couple of weeks, until he feels you're not going to dump him, then slip back to his old ways. He doesn't care about you, but it's a lot easier for him than having to start all over again, to try and get someone new.
At the moment, you're a convenience. Someone he can shag with little effort, someone to spend time with so he doesn't feel alone.

Just dump him.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 25/05/2018 17:40

I really wouldn't bother talking to him again.
If you're at his, just take all your stuff back to yours and tell him you're done.
When he protests, tell him he's overreacting.

NotLinkedIn · 25/05/2018 17:44

Omg, id tell him that you have just been completely turned off him.

He is trying to make it about whether or not he is being un reasonable or whether or not you are over reacting.

None of that is relevant if you just get TURNED OFF

SilverDoe · 25/05/2018 17:45

What the actual fuck?? He sounds like an unbelievable dick head. It also sounds like he is “negging” you. Get rid - I don’t expect DH to never find another woman objectively attractive, but I don’t expect him to drool over someone and would think he’d gone bloody mad if he started telling me how hot he found other girls - especially people he knew in real life and not just detached celebrities! Shock

Also, the saddest thing is the fact he never compliments you :( my DH makes me feel like I’m the prettiest person in the world, because he loves me and it makes me happy. Looks aren’t the be all and end all but the weird combination of constantly complimenting other women plus never complimenting you makes it sound very deliberate and twattish. Please find someone who treats you with some kindness and respect :(

Do you think he’s indirectly trying to get you to change your appearance?

NotLinkedIn · 25/05/2018 17:51

Even if u talk to him and he underdtands that his desired effect, to bring you down, has backfired and ur thinking of dumping him and so he behaves better for a while, he is still that guy with a low self esteem who tries to make you feel insecure.

SandyY2K · 25/05/2018 19:45

No kids together...your own homes...get rid of him.

My DH has never done this. NEVER.

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