Crisis! Marriage breakdown at 18 weeks pregnant

[Decisions1]

Don't know where to start. Have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 3... we've had ups and downs in the past but nothing serious recently.
This pregnancy was planned. Both wanted the baby. I've suffered with terrible nausea and due to that haven't been my usual self. Over the past few weeks he has become distant. He said it was because I wouldn't let him do what he wanted with work... saying wanted a new job working away to earn more for our family.
Then a couple of days ago he said it is acrually our relationship and he's felt we don't have anything in common and says he's felt this for a few years. I couldn't believe it. I have said about counselling and he said he's already tried all he can...

I never wanted a baby on my own, but I guess who does. I'm petrified now of what to do. If I go through with this and our marriage falls apart I'll be bringing a child up alone. I've got friends and family but I just don't know if that's right.

I've considered a termination but the thought makes me so sick. I'm getting help re my choices and he's agreed to a counselling session but he says he doesn't think there is any hope for our relationship.
He doesn't think I should have the baby. But has said he will support me if I do.

Has anyone had any similar situations.
How the hell do you make the choice.

Please no anti termination comments. I fully understand that it's not a pleasant process.

Workworkworkwork..
Thank you for sharing your experience. A lot of what you said mirrors some of my own thoughts. It must have been hard for you but you've done amazing to come through alone.

I've got an appointment to speak to a nurse/counsellor alone to discuss the pregnancy. I'm hoping that will help to give me clarity. I'm trying to consider everything before making a desicion.

It's hard I feel like I want to give him space one moment. Then the next I want answers. I think once I've come to my desicion about the pregnancy I'll be able to have a bit more clarity on there being an us.

He's showing willing with the counselling so I guess that's something.
We have split in the past many years ago, there has never been someone else. It's the same something in him thinks he needs freedom, he then realises what he's thrown away. We've never had counselling in the past but I think we should have done it sooner.

Please only reply to the thread if you can share some kind of experience. It's not nice being told to get another scan and look at it so I don't abort the baby. It's a heartbreaking decision as it is. And trust me when I say I will not take that decision lightly. If you haven't been here you can't understand. Thank you

There is no man alive on Earth I would part with my child for, and that includes my DH. There is nothing to understand, I could never forgive nor forget such abysmal betrayal. There are 3.5 billion men on Earth, there are more where this one came from. I'm so sorry he's putting you in such an awful situation.

Well my husband didn’t want our baby but I couldn’t abort.
When the shit hit the fan . 21 years later
not only was my son a great comfort but his baby son was as well

In all fairness before exh decamped to pastures new, he was a good father

Honestly, if you feel you want to 'fix' the marriage, I think I'd ask for separate counseling the marriage. It sounds to me as if he really doesn't know what he wants if he's had form in the past for 'needing space' then missing the relationship. Those are issues that he'll have to fix himself, and it's not fair to you to be unable to feel secure in your future with him because he doesn't know what the hell he wants. And you will need to work through things on your own, too. You may not feel it now, but him asking you to terminate for his convenience is going to leave its marks. And I think you are going to need to build up your self confidence and independence a bit.

It is your decision. Many women would not want him back under any circumstances. Others would. But you need to make that decision for yourself from a place of self-knowledge and confidence.

As far as the pregnancy, get what information you need from whomever you need it from. But be sure you are making the right decision for YOU, without regards to him or to anyone else.

As 2 PP have said, but I will re-iterate anyway, there is a third option: to not terminate, but if when the time comes you feel you really cannot cope then ask to have the baby placed for adoption.
We adopted older children, but there would be a loving home for your child if you really couldn't cope. However I know this third option is also not an easy choice.

Op

Why was he suicidal? Because you want to keep the baby?

I’m confused because at first he said he wasn’t happy for a few years but now he is saying he will stay if you have an abortion!

No way.

If he loved you he’d never put you through the horror of a termination at your gestation

If you terminate because of him you could regret it for a long time. How he has let it go this far is so cruel? Do you think he's just scared about being a dad?

I actually loved being a single parent too. It's not as scary as it sounds

Very sorry he has acted this way.

The relationship seems unlikely to continue whatever you decide about the pregnancy.

I think he said about the termination as I said initially that I don't think I could have a baby on my own. I don't think he's saying terminate and then we can try but if you keep it we can't. That's not a conversation we've had.
I'm feeling more confident in the thought of being a single parent, however I'm still having moments I'm unsure.

I do think he'd want a relationship with the baby and I know he'd be a good dad either way. He said about being at the birth if I kept it, but I've made it clear if we're not together that's not happening! And I've made it clear it will be up to me when I'm ready for them to meet.

My cousin was in a similar position, she chose the baby and was so glad as the man wouldnt try to change in the end.

Is there anyone independent you can talk to?

Decisions1 I'm sorry you're in such an awful situation - I have nothing to add on the advice front but I do wonder why you've said 'he'd be a good Dad either way'.

Everything you've said so far suggests he wants to run from his responsibilities and failing to support you in the planned pregnancy falls a long way short of adequate fatherhood in my opinion.

Please don't pay him too much consideration or be too nice to him. You need to make decisions on your account because his motives are unclear and his decision making possibly erratic.

Good luck.

I had an abortion aged 26. I loved and wanted the baby but the father suddenly left. The abortion traumatised me. Both the clinic experience, the actual operation and the mental and emotional aftermath. My son would be nearly 30 now if I had had him.
My mother encouraged me to have the baby aborted. She said that I would 'never love it' as it would 'look like HIM'.

Fast forward 17 years.

Aged 43 I had my now-ten year old son with my then husband. My husband disappeared when my son was 6 months old.

I have raised my lad alone, with no help from ayone - not family and not his father.

The money side has been shit - but charity shops have every single thing anyone could need (apart from a holiday in the Maldives lol) and I have loved every minute of it.

My mother was wrong. My son is the spitting image of his long-gone father. But I recovered, and love my son completely. I nearly didn't have children after the abortion. I threw myself into my job and travelling. I emigrated abroad and enjoyed a good career.

You are in a very very difficult situation - I can totally relate to the night terrors, sweats...waking up, the living nightmare of not knowing what to do. I am not anti-abortion at all. I had one after all.
But I loved that baby. I would have loved him had he been born, and ironically, if I had had him at 26 I would have been free at THIS current time in my life to travel and enjoy freedom. Insteasd, I have a ten year old!
Aborting him changed my own opinion of myself. It killed my self-esteem and made me reckless. I am not reckless now. I love life, but miss the freedom. I love my boy unconditionally. Never take having children for granted.

I had my first child when I was 18, her father was in, out, in out throughout the pregnancy and first few monthd of her life. With hindsight he made it so much more difficult. Once he left for good it was a breeze. I wish I had kicked him to the kerb the first time he bailed out. She is 27 soon and a wonderful person.

I have been in your position and I'm truly sorry you are going through this.

I was 24 weeks pregnant with a planned baby with my ex husband, I had hg and was miserable the whole time. He told me he didn't love me and would always be there for the baby and I stupidly believed him. He left and I have since found out he was having an affair with someone from work, went travelling with her and now lives abroad. I spoke to him after dd was born but couldn't reach him since. He has never seen her. At the time I was devastated of course, I moved back in with my mum which was a great decision, she was my birth partner and a wonderful support in the early days.

The day my dd was born, I was born and I truly believe that. After her birth I felt much stronger as I had a focus and poured all my efforts and love into her. I found a great job when she was 7 months old and although things were hard financially, I was eligible for tax credits etc. which helped. I have massively progressed in my career since having her, she is the best motivation.

She is 3.5 now and we have achieved so much together, the sense of pride I have in her is incomparable and will always come above any relationship. We went to Sydney when she was 2, although I obviously don't have as much freedom as a childless person, having a child doesn't stop you doing things. I met my dp 2.5 years ago and we moved in together in January, I am now 16 weeks pregnant too. He has been so supportive and my dd can't wait to be a big sister, my life is 1000 times better than I ever imagined and those dark days.

Sorry fornthe essay but i wanted to make the point that you can get through this and thrive as a single parent although it may not seem that way now.

I haven't been in your position so I don't think I can help much. But I have suffered with HG for both my pregnancies, it's horrible and you have my sympathy. I would talk to a Dr about this if you carry on with the pregnancy cause there are things that can help.
You not cooking/cleaning has not caused this, he has made his decision by himself, it has nothing to do with you. I would take him out of the decision making process from now on. He sounds flaky and that will not help you work out what YOU want.
My sister was left by her dp when she was pregnant, it hasn't been easy for her but she has a wonderful 17 year old daughter.

I had a late abortion in my early twenties. It was what I had to do as my partner turned out to be gay and left. Anyway I just got on with it and it was a relief when it was over. I don't regret it at all.
I then had three children in my thirties and love them dearly. Sometimes I wonder what if but the reality was that there was no way I could do it on my own so I did the right thing for me.
I know its a sad thing to do but sometimes you have to stoically have to do whats best for you.
I really don't think hes worthy of you. I hope you make the right choice for you.

I was a single parent from the start too. My mother was my birthing partner.
You have a very difficult decision to make about whether you have the baby or not, and if I were you, I'd tell your husband to leave the house immediately to give you some head space. Make your decision based solely on what's best for you, not him.

In my case, when my baby was born I found it made me into a very different person. Motherhood changed every aspect of my being and I was in awe of how it changed my perspectives of the world. The love I felt for my daughter was simply so enormous, and so different from any other love, that it got me through the very hard early years (she didn't sleep very well and I also lost my mum when she was about a year old). Being a single parent is hard, but it is also wonderfully rewarding. We have a very close bond with each other, probably in a different way to if she'd been raised in a two parent family.

She's at University now, but though out her childhood we went abroad regularly from when she was three months old, including a trip to Australia when she was about six.The sense of freedom, and all the practicalities are considerably different obviously, but I found that it was fairly easy to make the necessary adjustments because I had changed so much as a person. That's just what becoming a parent does to most of us, I suppose, whether you're a single parent or not.

Finances are very important as a single parent, and life is easier the more money and assets and security you have. My daughter's father has never contributed anything, but my advice to you would be to take your husband's offer of having the house (tie up the legalities asap before he changes his mind) and get as good a maintenance settlement as you can going forward. You and your child (if you go ahead ) deserve it for the appalling situation he has landed you in.

If he's been so unhappy in the relationship for so long, why on earth didn't he tell you before ttc? It's beyond cruel to behave as he has at this time. I think his behaviour sounds rather too calculating to be a sudden and genuine mh crisis . He sounds incredibly immature and selfish and I also would suspect there is another woman in the background. I'm a cynic, but would certainly reserve judgement on whether he will ever make a good father.

Good luck to you whatever you decide to do. If you do decide to be a single parent, seek out other single parents in real life - there's plenty around, and you will find it an enormous support.

I am pro choice and doing the right thing for you. My friend- After a number of mc and trying and various problems with pg she was told they couldn’t have children. 6 months later she got her ‘miracle pregnancy’ - She was told he had changed his mind. It was heartbreakingly awful. He offered counselling at an abortion clinic and to pay and a holiday and payment for her to abort. He promised they would be together if she aborted etc - she got rid of him instead. She was worried she couldn’t be a lone parent but actually despite an awful pg made bad by him - she had her daughter. Both are happy and secure 15 years on. He’s god knows where, having done it to others (his latest wife and him split up and she had a termination). He wanted a baby then panicked but actually I think for a adult to want and baby go through ttc and then changing his mind is highly disturbed as he had done it at least twice.

All my friend said was if she had her time again she would have got him to leave sooner and got her mum to move in for the pregnancy.

My own advice would be to ask him to go (you implied he would) get friend to move in and make YOUR decision based on what you want. Take his views out of it. You might be hoping he will change his mind. Don’t - he’s either got MH issues, personal issues - etc I would remove myself from his drama and concentrate on myself.

If you carry this baby, it is yours, your body, your pregnancy , your decision. If you decide you want this baby then you can and will be a fantastic mum and doing it on your own can be far more simple then doing it with an idiot OH. You only have to read on here to see no relationship is a guarantee - I think 1/3 families are lone parents ? Or did I just make that up? Plenty plenty of people do it on their own - lone parents are not lonely, nothing wrong with travelling with a child - either way you are a smart, intelligent, independent woman.

I came on to say Sorry OP that you find yourself in such an awful situation.
Also wanted to say please don’t have a termination. I am COMPLETELY pro choice and there are many women for whom a termination is by far the best option for them - you just don’t sound like one of them. This baby was much wanted (by you) by the sounds of it. I think the after effects of the termination in your particular case may be something you struggle to recover from.
I certainly would never have a termination for a man. Men come and go unfortunately. I would only ever have one if it was right for me and only you can make that decision. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide.
Secondly your DH sounds either like a complete man child who now the reality of “being a grown up” and having a child has sunk in, seemingly can’t cope. Or, he has had his head turned by someone else. I’m afraid I fear the latter. It sounded like a sudden change of heart on his part and it sounds like you have been together long enough in the past to have weathered some ups and downs before. Even if you have a termination he may disappear anyway and it would be easier for him to do “conscience free”
Sending
I don’t think your mother will be very helpful. She will see the child as a potential burden on her....