Crisis! Marriage breakdown at 18 weeks pregnant

[Decisions1]

Don't know where to start. Have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 3... we've had ups and downs in the past but nothing serious recently.
This pregnancy was planned. Both wanted the baby. I've suffered with terrible nausea and due to that haven't been my usual self. Over the past few weeks he has become distant. He said it was because I wouldn't let him do what he wanted with work... saying wanted a new job working away to earn more for our family.
Then a couple of days ago he said it is acrually our relationship and he's felt we don't have anything in common and says he's felt this for a few years. I couldn't believe it. I have said about counselling and he said he's already tried all he can...

I never wanted a baby on my own, but I guess who does. I'm petrified now of what to do. If I go through with this and our marriage falls apart I'll be bringing a child up alone. I've got friends and family but I just don't know if that's right.

I've considered a termination but the thought makes me so sick. I'm getting help re my choices and he's agreed to a counselling session but he says he doesn't think there is any hope for our relationship.
He doesn't think I should have the baby. But has said he will support me if I do.

Has anyone had any similar situations.
How the hell do you make the choice.

Please no anti termination comments. I fully understand that it's not a pleasant process.

Being a single parent is hard (sorry), but it’s far FAR easuer than being a parent in a relationship that doesn’t

Amen

The unknown is a much scarier prospect than the known, even if the known is an emotionally unavailable man who won’t see past his wants.

Despite the financial security, raising DD in a crappy relationship was hard because the ground was always shifting. I am pretty capable but trying to navigate something as new and unfamiliar as parenthood with the constant knot of relationship discourse in my stomach was exhausting.

There’s nothing in your partner’s behaviour suggest that he cares about you or his unborn child. He wants out and he will make “you can have the house” type statements in an attempt to make himself feel better about his behaviour, whilst simultaneously lulling you into a false sense of security. He wants out and you terminating your pregnancy will just make the whole process more expedient for him.

Make counselling a priority because it doesn’t sound like you want to terminate but just that you want the pain to end. However, you’re in shock and dealing with it, while Mr Sad Puppy is making it all about him must be very difficult.

What an awful position to be in. I would say don't be rushed into a decision but I am not sure of the time limits for terminations. From the sound of your posts re feeling it move etc you may find a termination difficult but giving birth and bringing up a child without a partner is no walk in the park either. Take advantage of friends and family's support whatever you decide.

Not sure what to advise re your DH. He sounds like he needs counselling as he obviously has MH issues.

I would ask him to leave and not contact you for a week. His mental health issues and emotional assholeness are draining you while you are trying to make major decisions. The best way to decide how you feel about having baby alone is surely on your own without having him there? Call his parents to say he has to leave or if he makes another suicide threat the police /ambulance immediately, then you can think.
You don’t sound like you want an abortion honestly. I wouldn’t want to add it to the list of things not to forgive dh (dickhead) for. You will cope - as you say you have already got through the first few months, as someone who is also very unwell till about 4 months going through that and not actually getting a baby is an awful thought.

I feel stupid for allowing us to get pregnant.

Humans require two to procreate. He is as equally responsible for the creation of the baby as you are.

I’m very pro choice - but it’s YOUR choice. You are carrying this baby, you would have to undergo a termination and at 18 weeks that’s not trivial. And you don’t sound like you want to.

I also agree it sounds like the cheater script. Threatening suicide is highly manipulative- what was the threat exactly? If you don’t... I’ll....?

Being a single parent isn’t easy. But it’s possible, many people do it and it’s easier than living in a shit relationship.
Having a tough pregnancy is really hard on you (I am pregnant right now, with HG for he second time, I get it, it’s awful.)

I have to ask (and you don’t have to answer) you mention you e not been able to do what you normally do because you’re sick. I get that, I couldn’t lift my head without puking for 18 weeks. How was he? Was he grumpy about lack of sex? About doing more housework? Did he help you?

Is he normally controlling? Is he having a sulk because he’s seen what it's like when he’s not the centre of attention? What were the ups and downs you had before?

I've been through the exact same thing - trying ages for a baby, then once pregnant the OH saying he's not ready to be a dad / not happy in the relationship / have a termination blah blah blah.

Being a single parent is hard, but do you know what, it's the best thing I have ever done. I had fears about how I would cope - just like you, but I have done it, and without any support from my child's father, no family or friends.

My child is 5yrs old now and I could never imagine a life without him in it.

Have you spoken to your Mid-wife at all? Remember they are there to help in all aspects of the pregnancy, not just the physical form of being pregnant.

OP of course it’s totally your decision but I wanted to say that, I became single during my pregnancy, I found pregnancy incredibly difficult emotionally and physically anyway and adding a break up with an abusive man on to the list I was in an absolute state.
I was later on in pregnancy so the decision to terminate or not was taken out of my hands but honestly, if you decide it’s what you want, you can do it alone, it’s truly a wonderful experience bonding with your baby alone, making decisions for yourself, not having to answer to anyone, those first months were actually really wonderful just me and her. Now my daughter is nearly two, and I’m in a new relationship life is so different now. I honestly felt like being a single parent to a newborn would be the worst thing ever and wondered how I would cope but it absolutely was the best thing that happened to me. Lean on your support network, it will be tough at times, but if you want to, you can 100% do this.

Decisions1 - from your last post I get the feeling you would regret a termination.

I don't want to de-rail your thinking process (which must be so hard for you anyway) but I know a girl who had a pregnancy terminated in her twenties and is now in the unfortunate position where she can't conceive in her thirties.

That might be unusual and you may well be fine if you wait till later but if this is your one and only chance to have a child there is a chance you will regret having a termination now.

The people I know who have had a baby on their own have never regretted it. The baby years are the hardest but time passes quickly and the rewards are great.

Mine has done this too, except a lot earlier in the pregnancy. He just decided he didn’t love me and wanted out and wanted a termination. I’ve had a horrific pregnancy (now 30 weeks) with HG etc and considered it many times but like you waffled because I couldn’t do pregnancy again. I’m happy with my decision to keep the baby. I returned to North America as well and five months on he’s still not changed his mind or shown any interest in the pregnancy or the marriage, so I guess my advice is to make sure you want it and don’t hold your breath for him to come around if you do keep the baby. But the pain lessens a bit each day and I’m growing pretty confident in my abilities to be a single mum, in a way I couldn’t imagine when this first all started happening.

As an adopted child, I'm going to echo a PP: adoption is a viable alternative to abortion or single parenting.

It may or may not be the right decision for you, but do at least give it a passing thought.

From what you have said, I think you would deeply struggle to live with a decision to terminate. Terminations aren’t generally immediate as I’m sure you know so you could potentially be 19 or 20 weeks by the time it happened. You are also aware of the trauma involved in a late termination so I won’t go into that. You have already bonded with this baby by the sounds of it and I just don’t know how well you cope if you chose to terminate. It may not be a huge, life altering thing for some women who have early terminations and are certain they don’t want the pregnancy but it can be for women who are torn. If it were down to me, I would choose being a single parent all the way.

As a PP said, single parenting is by no means easy but definitely better than staying in a shit relationship. You will need help from friends and family to begin with but you will get there.

I’m so sorry he’s put you in such a shit predicament after TTC, what a wanker.

I've worked out I could manage financially with the baby, just about.

However I'd always said I couldn't do it alone and if I had the slightest incling that things weren't right between us I would not be pregnant

I'm only young and think if I did have a termination I'd be so much more free. Like I've said before I'd travel again and I'd just start from the ground up.
I can support myself financially and alone I'd be so much better off. I work funny hours so having a baby would mean I'd need to go part time.

Either way I'd be depressed. A termination would haunt me forever. But then again my husband has said he'd support me to have a termination and would give things another go.

It's so fucked up. My parents have said they'd support me. But I get the feeling my mum doesn't think I should have the baby because she wants me to be free.

Can someone please wake me from this never ending nightmare.

But then again my husband has said he'd support me to have a termination and would give things another go.

So he is effectively blackmailing you into having a termination? "I will only try to work at things if you have a termination". Perhaps this is all because he is having cold feet about the baby. He needs to step up and deal with it, as I am sure he will if it becomes apparent you are keeping it.

Sorry I'd not seen all the replies. I'm very greatful for everyone's asssistance. And to the ladies that have shared some truly distressing situations you are brave and amazing.

I know if I ended the pregnancy I'd grieve. We weren't going to find out the sex and last night I was thinking I'd want the baby to have its name and I'd have to do something to say goodbye.

I haven't spoken to my midwife. I guess I just feel guilty for even concidering a termination.

I said about not being myself with the nausea and sickness. I missed a lot of work due to it also I usually love to cook. I've not cooked in months as the nausea has been so bad. So our home hasn't been a great place to be. I do pretty much all of the cooking/housework etc. But I know I wouldn't have wanted to be around me like that. It also meant we spent less quality time together as we were stuck in the house. I struggled to even talk about the pregnancy when I was feeling so ill

Thanks again everyone. It's so nice to know there is good supportive people in the world 💕💕

If I were you I would keep the baby and ask DH to leave. I wouldn't be able to forgive or forget him asking me terminate at 18 weeks, even if the relationship did continue.

He's put you in a truly awful situation during what is supposed to be a happy exciting time.

He hasn't behaved this way because of something you've done or not done. This is on him.

I'm not going to offer much by way of advice - I know you are struggling right now but aside from being shocked and frightened you sound like a sensible, thoughtful person. Whatever you decide will be right for you.

I'd just hate to think you were blaming yourself. He's made it your mess but it's ALL about him.

"give things another go". After he has asked you to terminate a pregnancy of a child that you both decided you wanted.

He can't have it both ways. Either he believes you have nothing in common and therefore wants out of the relationship, period, or he believes the baby is the problem and wants you but not a baby.

If it is the former then he should leave, and you can decide what you want to do on your own.

If it is the latter then he needs to step up and go for counselling, and stop trying to blackmail you into having a ToP for a baby that you planned and tried for.

Does he really think that he can 'try again' with you after making you terminate your pregnancy? Is he dangling that as a carrot (I might stay with you if there is no baby) to get you to end the pregnancy and he has no intention of staying anyway?

If he wants to be with you but he's having a wobble about the baby, he needs to get some counselling and stop being a dickhead. If he doesn't want to be with you then he needs to accept the consequences of his actions, move out and start the process to pay you child support if you go through with the pregnancy. Don't discount that if he does want to leave it makes it much easier for him if you aren't pregnant.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It doesn’t sound like you want to terminate. Like you said how would you feel afterwards? Also would you want to be with him after you had a termination? You need to do what’s right for you not what he wants,
It sounds like he’s depressed and needs to see somebody about that.
I’m sorry it’s so hard for you

No I'd not forgive or forget what he has done and I'd go it alone with baby, with help from family and friends; I don't see how you can go back to a relationship with him; he's effectively dropped you right in it and is blackmailing you into an abortion, what an actual bastard of a person he is. Tell him to FO, I know that won't be easy but you need to not give him any head space any more.

You are carrying a baby that was lovingly wanted and planned. For 4/5 months you have loved, protected and nourished your child within, whilst dreaming of all the different things she might do in her life, what she will look like, what you will name him/ her. I think going through an abortion of a much loved baby, at such a late stage would be utterly heartbreaking for you!

What happens if your h changes his mind again and you have aborted your baby unnecessarily?

I could not abort such a developed baby, you are almost half way op, please if you want to be free consider adoption. This little one was planned and didn’t ask to be created, you love and want your baby, can you honestly say you would ever get over aborting your baby? I would be demanding that your h pay for a 4d scan, go together and see the baby you have created together! It is absolutely unfair of your h to play with the life of your unborn child! He chose to create a child, he doesn’t get to demand that you abort yoher/ him.

"Give it another go"???
OP you are not thinking straight, how could you ever forgive, have any affection for anyone who is asking you do something so life altering, who is so inconsiderate and so unfeeling.
He is so lacking in empathy and so self absorbed he shouldn't even be on your radar.
The only thing you should be terminating is your relationship with him.
Even if he has MH issues you do not have the head space at the moment to give him any consideration, or even listen to his wants.
Think very carefully, yes as a single parent your life will be very different that is not to say despite difficulties it will not be truly wonderful and fulfilling.
Good Luck.

Hearing you describe how hard the pregnancy has been makes me wonder if he feels like this pregnancy has ruined your relationship. That's not excusing him by the way, he needs to step up to his responsibilities regardless, but something is going on in his head and I wonder if that's what it is.

So in his head everything that was enjoyable about your relationship has been stripped away over the last few months and this pregnancy is the 'cause'. He feels like he doesn't want this any more because it doens't feel good (which is of course ridiculously childish). Unless the baby is gone, in which case your marriage can click back into the happy (or at least the head in the sand) state it was in before. But of course that's absolute BULL because it doesn't take into account his grieving wife who might never forgive him for coercing her into getting rid of their child.

I would guess that if you go along with his wish for an abortion then your relationship will be dead in the water because it's not something you want to do.

He sounds either abusive or in the midst of a mental health crisis. Take a break, give him space to get his head around things, but be fully prepared to go this alone if he can't get fully on board after a breather to pull himself together (counselling a must, family informed of his nonsense etc). At least that would be what I would do.

All the best

First off, see if you can get Cyclizine for the sickness. I had awful hyperemesis & nausea & could barely think straight.

Second, I have gone through this. Although not married, we were engaged & the baby was planned until he walked away when I was pregnant after seven years together. I haven’t seen him since.

I went to the abortion clinic for an appointment, and I knew that personally it would change me for the worse. Whereas a child... there was a hope it would change me for the better.

You have to do what’s right for you. My DS is now 6. I’ve managed to go back to uni to do a post grad degree & have started a new career. As a single parent, I struggle financially but there is a lot of help. Tax credits or universal credit helps a lot, there’s also the 30 hours free childcare if you’re eligible, so financially - put it out of your mind for now, there are options.

Go with your gut.

As for freedom, you just figure it out. I gave up girls holidays & going out every weekend because I WANTED to be at home with my son. But I’m starting to get back on the horse a bit (much prefer sleep though).

It’s tough as a single parent. Dating is a little harder. Organising plans away from your child is a little harder. Sleep is a little harder. But it can be so worth it.

I’m sorry if I seem one-sided. I just remember thinking I’d ruined my life becoming a single parent, but on reflection, I’ve enhanced it.

I guess I just feel guilty for even concidering a termination
Do not feel guilty.
You are faced with difficult circumstances and you absolutely should consider all of your options.
I think you'll find most of the women on here are pro-choice and would not begin to judge you or your decision.
It's your body and it's entirely up to you what you do.

I have to agree that it sounds like the script. Wanting to work away, then coming up with the "we have nothing in common" speech while you're expecting a planned child.. I would not be surprised if he managed to fit the "I love you but I am not in love with you" there somewhere.

I'm sorry OP. I would keep the child and never want to see the man again. But I know it's not that simple.