Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling to be patient.

31 replies

surlycurly · 23/05/2018 22:19

My partner and I have been together for 18 mths. We've known from very early on that we were serious however he's financially in a very bad position. As a result of my cretinous exDH, I won't consider making things more permanent until he's more financially secure. He's setting up his own business and has been since I met him. The problem is he's not made a penny yet. He's sold everything he owns and borrowed money to make it work and yet it's still not happened. He is due some money soon from a pension and we decided to go on holiday, however he's now saying he can't come with us for the full trip.

Basically I've run out of patience for it all. I'm not particularly money orientated but I want to buy a house and get married. Hell, I want to go on holiday or out for a meal without worrying that it's putting him under pressure. When we discuss it he accuses me of not being supportive. That hurts as I'm not making demands, just being clear about how I want our future to go. It all got a bit unpleasant earlier and I felt really disappointed at a few of his comments. He's a terrific human: kind, clever, funny and emotional. However he's obsessive and can be very negative when challenged about it.

I realised today that our relationship has not moved any further along since this time last year. I adore him but I don't want to be in limbo forever...

OP posts:
Original poster
surlycurly · 23/05/2018 22:35

Aw well, at least it felt a bit better writing it down, even if I didn't get any opinions.

OP posts:
Emma198 · 23/05/2018 22:37

What's your question? If you should leave him? Depends 100% on if you see a future with him which I guess depends on if you believe his business will work or not in the end. Do you?

HipsterAssassin · 23/05/2018 22:48

Do you think his business has a realistic chance of succeeding?

Original poster
surlycurly · 23/05/2018 22:50

I think it will eventually. I just don't know if I should wait. He spilt up with his ex for the same reason; she got fed up waiting about and bagged him chronically. I just don't know if I should give him ultimatums, give up on the idea of marrying him, or give up on him altogether? I don't think he's a dreamer but I can't carry on with all the limitations all the time, and the recriminations when we argue because he's stressed and under pressure. I've tried to be supportive but I'm finding it harder and harder. He's highly qualified and could get a good job but wants to continue to try and make the business work because if it does it will be mega lucrative. I don't want a fancy life though, so the money isn't an issue for me either way as I earn enough for my kids and I. Just hardly any extra. I just don't know if I should follow my head or my heart, as I love the bones of him. But the reality is that I think this will go on for a long time and I fundamentally think it's a bit selfish as he gets more and more in debt.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 23/05/2018 22:56

"Follow my head or my heart"

Head. Every time. That's where your brain is. Your heart just pumps blood around your body.

I'd keep this guy as a FWB (or just a friend if he's shit at sex) but if you want someone to grow old with, choose someone who has a realistic retirement plan.

Original poster
surlycurly · 23/05/2018 23:05

You make a fair point. It's just that in every other area we are more compatible than I've ever been with anyone. And he loves me and I love him (wow I sound like a teenager). I just don't know if I should give him a year to make it work and then cut him loose or am I delaying the inevitable?

OP posts:
HipsterAssassin · 23/05/2018 23:07

You are delaying the inevitable.

Could you just re-define the relationship as more casual? If not, then you should finish it.

This is who he is. He is in debt. You and he are in fact not compatible.

Love is not enough.

Original poster
surlycurly · 23/05/2018 23:13

I think you may be right. Whilst I adore him and love the romance of the idea of marriage, I just can't actually see it happening. It's very sad.

OP posts:
seventh · 23/05/2018 23:17

Why can't he just get a regular job? As his business venture isn't working out yet.

dirtybadger · 23/05/2018 23:24

Do you want DC? Can you afford to buy a house alone (realise this would take longer)? If you dont want DC and can buy a house alone then I would say do that...regardless! Whether you keep him as well depends how happy you are to continue living seperately (I assume you?), etc. Im not 100% confident in my DP and his finances...it hasnt really been an issue yet because I have been PT student so no money myself, but in the future it isnt a deal breaker for me as I am happy to live alone and see each other as we do now for many more years. Is that a deal breaker for you?

If you want DC then obviously all of the above is pretty redundant..

Original poster
surlycurly · 23/05/2018 23:24

I think he feels his only real chance to fix this mess is to set up alone (his is a very high stakes business which could be very lucrative indeed). He could turn everything around very quickly when, and if, it were to happen. But time keeps moving on. He's had to change things as a result of a big setback but even with that in mind, he should have been making some money by now. I'm torn between not caring about the money because our relationship is so good in most areas, but also being frustrated to death that we can't do what we keep talking about... eg moving in together etc. I won't have him here as a passenger. He originally said that he'd get a job in the summer if things still weren't happening but now he's had this small injection of cash, he's delaying it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
surlycurly · 23/05/2018 23:27

We both have DC and don't want any more. I could buy a house alone. I don't need his income. But my budget is tight and he lives quite far away. I suppose I just want us to be a family and to wake up and go to bed with him every night. I feel like he's choosing the business over me. He feels like he's in a corner and has no choice.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 23/05/2018 23:39

I wouldn't give an ultimatum. It's his dream to chase. If you don't want to wait anymore, then walk away and wish him well.

Original poster
surlycurly · 23/05/2018 23:40

Thank you for all your replies Wine

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 23/05/2018 23:42

In that case I think it wont work Sad
Dont give him an ultimatum, but perhaps give yourself one, if you are really unsure. I.e. leave it and reevaluate in X months.

HipsterAssassin · 24/05/2018 06:46

How long has he been trying to make his business work?

Does he pay maintenance for his dc? How often does he see his dc?

Original poster
surlycurly · 24/05/2018 07:26

He has been paying a token amount for his child (the other doesn't get money as he's older and lives abroad). That's always the first thing he does when he gets anything. And he sees him fortnightly.

And not to drip feed but we both have ASD (Aspergers). He will always be obsessed with something even if it's not work. But that's why he's such a good fit for me as he understands so many of my complexities. But he also has them himself.

He's been trying to make it work in its new guise since January. Prior to that about 2 years.

OP posts:
category12 · 24/05/2018 07:42

Um, his ex couldn't stick it and you're on the same relationship trajectory, because this is how it is with him.

18 months isn't very long in the scale of things, but I wouldn't advise you to pour more time into it thinking it'll change - chances are if his business did take off, he'd be just as focused on it or the next thing. (And tbh it doesn't sound like it will take off but will drag him down on his record so far). If you do stay, it's got to be knowing that.

A token(?) amount of child support and fortnightly visits to his child doesn't sound particularly involved dad, which would worry me that his priorities are his interests/business always, and people very much background to this.

Original poster
surlycurly · 24/05/2018 07:51

That's a good point, as people do seem to be in the background of his life as a rule. I can deal with that to a point, as I'm the same, but I'm more struggling with the ambiguity. All the unknown and lack of planning for the future is making me get more and more agitated. I suppose what I want is for him to see that and do something about it. Whilst I know the current situation could change over night, the odds aren't high. Thanks for your input though.

OP posts:
category12 · 24/05/2018 07:58

But he didn't suddenly see the light with his ex, so I'm not sure why you're expecting him to with you? It's the same pattern.

category12 · 24/05/2018 07:58

Not expecting - hoping.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 24/05/2018 08:09

Two years of trying and not getting anywhere!

What is it?

Has it brought him any income at all?

Can’t he get a bank loan to get it off the ground?

Sounds dodgy as hell to me!!

Original poster
surlycurly · 24/05/2018 10:50

He's in oil and gas and the industry has had a huge decline and a slow recovery but it will come up. He's at the forefront of innovation so has struggled to get investment but has options coming soon. He made some money last year but not much. It's realistic but not guaranteed.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 24/05/2018 11:01

Oil and gas!?
On his own?
Not sure how that works.
But he's not made any money yet and it's been years!
A new business doesn't tend to make significant money for 2 years.

But this isn't really working for you is it?
It's not what you wanted?
It's not what I would want either.
But this is your life so you need to do what is best for you and your DC.

kikashi · 24/05/2018 11:08

It sounds like he is a bit fixated on his business succeeding and will stick with it until it is either successful or has wiped him out. You have to decide if you can live with that. Are you willing to financially support your relationship - not the business but pay for him for meals/holidays etc if you can afford it and want him to be with you?

If his business and child contact means he has to stay put then your relationship is going to stay long distance. Things are not going to go the way you want in the short term - can you live with that?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.