Too much alcohol

[Eve16]

Hi everyone, looking for some advice.....
My husband and I have been married for almost 20yrs, with 4 kids from teen to toddler, one of our children is autistic, adhd and many other issues making him quite demanding.
Like everyone else we have had some real tough times but got through them, but the biggest argument is my husbands drinking..... its constant and although he checks what he is allowed incase of being over the limit on long commutes to work and is always within the limit, it’s all the time there’s always an excuse ..... it’s the weekend, the football is on, the boxing is on, I’m enjoying spending time with you the list goes on. Even if it’s a special occasion for me and we go out with friends it’s him who’s drunk, it’s gotten to the point where I’ve had enough and I have so much resentment against him as I feel like a constant nag!! I’ve asked him to leave and suggested a break but he’s reluctant truth be known I am due to my sons needs but some days even when he’s trying, I can’t help but resent him and wait for him to let us down again! Am I being unreasonable?? It’s a weekly heated discussion that is becoming draining, pointless and tiring!!

This is no good, Eve. Have you asked him not to drink for say, a week? If it's your occasion can't he be the driver so you can relax a bit? He does sound borderline alcoholic.

Yes I have and the older kids have..... it's been a problem for years to be honest . I just feel so drained from it all and like there's no point trying to change something I can't 😥 he's reluctant to drive if we go out as with 4 children it's not often but even on the odd occasion he would just drink when he gets home

You can't control his drinking. You can control your reaction to it.
Al anon provides support. Perhaps you can find a way forward with their help.
Sorry OP. It sucks.

Would he download the Drinkaware app? Dh & I log our drinks so we know how many units we've had each week. We usually stay under 14 units. We downloaded it last year after the summer holidays when we'd fallen in to having a drink or 2 most days.

Perhaps if he saw the amount he was drinking he'd try and cut down?

Thanks will look at that..... problem is part of me feels it's too late like my oomph has gone

It's never too late. His drinking is clearly having an adverse effect on both you and the family. I'm not saying through him out tonight! Just you could do with some support right now. Some time to reflect and plan for the future n

Yeah he's got an app that tells him how much he's allowed if he needs to drive the next day...... so he uses that even when he cuts down its approx 50 units a week on a good week! One week of him trying to cut down and not binging was just under 80 units

50-80 units. Jeez.
I know it's just a guide but strictly speaking more than a couple of units is a binge, isn't 14 the recommended maximum and he should be having nights off. He's going to kill himself at that rate.

Thanks @Wolfiefan I think I need someone to talk to it's so hard as friends are scared I guess but i need to think of my sanity and the children's feelings too

@Wolfiefan I know it's a ridiculous amount think this is why all my respect etc is dwindling away

Sorry but your husband is an alcoholic.

As such. Nagging isn't going to change it, shouting isn't going to change it. Getting upset isn't going to change it. Either you leave or accept it.

You must know he's an alcoholic? Deep down?

Of course you need support and of course you need to put your welfare and that of the kids paramount.
I haven't contacted Al anon but something like that will be unbiased. What do you mean friends are scared?

@Wolfiefan think friends are scared to advise as they tend to be joint friends or know him well they feel awkward! Not scared of his reaction he's what people class as a harmless drunk ...... but when you live with it it's not the same is it

@Bluntness100 I do really and I agree with what you said to be honest..... somethings are easier said than done though aren't they

No of course it isn't. They may also worry they could encourage you to leave him and then you change your mind or they could be seen to "meddle" etc
You need someone who can listen and let you offload and organise your own thoughts.

Your kids are living with an alcoholic they are being brought up by one. They hear the arguments, they have asked him to stop, they are getting involved. This isn't fair on them.

He is ill. He cannot stop without a lot of help, and his drinking will escalate. It always does, it's already at a shocking level and a dangerous one.

Speak no al anon but one of you needs to be strong for the kids. And it won't be him.

Oh you poor woman, what a nightmare. Another vote for Al-Anon here.

My friend's husband was an alcoholic although in his eyes he was merely someone who enjoyed a drink.

The support she got from Al-Anon was incredible. It gave her a friendship network and the strength to end her marriage.

That was the wake up call he needed, and he's 17 years sober now. His daughters barely remember drunk dad.

I've gone from drinking daily to just having a drink one night a week. I downloaded 'the unexpected joy of being sober' by Catherine Gray. I'd recommend he read the book or listen to the audiobook like I did. It has changed my life.

Living with someone with a “drink problem” is hell 24/7. They are either drunk, hungover or preoccupied about when the next drink is coming. All the time they are remote, self centred and not emotionally connected to, or supportive of the family. Your children will be absorbing the invisible burden of shame and stress - it will affect them deeply all their lives. Only you can do something. Detached love is what Al Anon recommended. It is really worth going to their sessions for support - where you will realise where you might be enabling his addiction. He really is in very deep and will likely have irreversible health issues that may not have surfaced yet. Don’t look to friends and family to sort this. You need to give him an ultimatum and follow it through - ie sober up or shop out - tough love - this is his best chance of making the right choice.

Thanks for all your comments, today I've told him..... again I know!
He's said he will stop all together or stop just in the house, whatever I want (if it was social drinking it would be once every few weeks if that!)
My get up and go has gone completely and I'm so drained today by this all..... see what the next few weeks bring I guess.

You've said what you needed to say. You need to decide what you do want. And it's unlikely to happen. Drinkers stop drinking with support if they choose to stop. Not because someone tells them to.
Seek support and decide what to do when he starts drinking again.

Eve

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only start when you and he are no longer together. You also have children who are all directly seeing the fallout from their dad's alcoholism; its all revolving around the alcoholic. Like many posts of this type its mainly about him and not you and the kids. Did you yourself grow up seeing similar?. Your H's primary relationship is with drink and his thoughts center on where the next drink is going to come from.

You have again talked to him; talking to someone like this about his drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean. It has not worked and it will not work. What he has done here is bargaining and that never works either nor does policing his drinking. The alcohol controls him, its not the other way around at all. He should really never touch alcohol again. Unless he himself properly decides and with support to stop drinking this whole dysfunctional cycle of drinking will continue. You also need to address your parts in this as well.

I would certainly recommend you contact Al-anon and if at all possible attend their meetings. At the very least you can and should read their literature.

You are treading a well worn path in the merry go around that is alcoholism; you are playing out the usual roles associated with spouses of alcoholics. Those are enabler, provoker (because you never forget) and codependent. None of these roles are helping you or he for that matter. You need to get off that merry go around ultimately.

The 3cs re alcoholism are again prescient here:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Why are you and he together at all now, I presume it is because of the children and he also meets your innate codependent needs.

Hard as it is to read, you need to read this excerpt too because you are in this:-

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

That's a massive amount of alcohol.

It's not fair on your children to force them to grow up in a household where alcohol is a constant aggrivation, just not fair, if he wants to drink himself to death he should be doing it elsewhere.

And no sorry but telling him again what you have been telling him will make nada difference; he needs to want to stop, doesn't sound remotely like he does.

I think you either put up and try and manage it or you will have to split, maybe that will make him realise how bloody selfish he is being.

I think you're just going to drive him to secretly drink. Alcoholics can't just stop. He's not well. I don't know why you're posting, then just telling him again ans again. It can't and won't work. He is an alcoholic. Do you maybe not understand what that means? Because if you do, then you'd know repeatedly telling him and getting promises won't change a thing.

I agree he needs to address his problems and he needs to want to stop.
If it wasn't for the needs of my sen child I don't think I would hesitate in packing him off to be honest. And that's mainly because my child doesn't cope with change etc very well at all!
He's looked into al anon today and said he will try a meeting.... I don't know if all of this is too late but almost 20yrs of marriage makes me keep trying I guess.
I never grew up in an environment like this, but I think binge drinking is the norm in the society we live in now.