Too much alcohol

[Eve16]

Hi everyone, looking for some advice.....
My husband and I have been married for almost 20yrs, with 4 kids from teen to toddler, one of our children is autistic, adhd and many other issues making him quite demanding.
Like everyone else we have had some real tough times but got through them, but the biggest argument is my husbands drinking..... its constant and although he checks what he is allowed incase of being over the limit on long commutes to work and is always within the limit, it’s all the time there’s always an excuse ..... it’s the weekend, the football is on, the boxing is on, I’m enjoying spending time with you the list goes on. Even if it’s a special occasion for me and we go out with friends it’s him who’s drunk, it’s gotten to the point where I’ve had enough and I have so much resentment against him as I feel like a constant nag!! I’ve asked him to leave and suggested a break but he’s reluctant truth be known I am due to my sons needs but some days even when he’s trying, I can’t help but resent him and wait for him to let us down again! Am I being unreasonable?? It’s a weekly heated discussion that is becoming draining, pointless and tiring!!

Hmmm. I really think you're minimising. Binge drinking may be very common, but eighty units a week on a good week isn't what is classified as binge drinking as such. Unless you personally are redefining it and thinking bingeing daily is common? It's not. That's an alcoholic.

Binge drinking is usually classified as drinking more than eight units in a short time frame and the recommendation is to spread drinking throughout the week. It is not binging every night. That's something else.

What you're describing is not common. I'm sorry.

Don't minimise this.
He doesn't want to stop.
He won't.
It will do your kids and you much more harm to have an alcoholic in the house than to make a better future for yourself.

Eve,

Your H neither wants your help or support. You are too close, over invested and under qualified.

The people I feel the most sorry for are your children, staying for any of them is not going to help them at all. You are showing them that this treatment of you all is still acceptable to you; you are putting this man and his associated alcoholism first. You also seem to be stuck on the sunken costs fallacy (this basically causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions) but a bad investment is not suddenly going to come good.

One day your kids will leave home and sooner rather than later at that. You won't ever play any part in his recovery and your H is showing no signs at all of wanting to address his alcoholism. Talk is cheap, its actions that count and he has done nothing. What you are describing is not binge drinking (which is also a problem in its own right); what you are being shown here by him is alcoholism.

Al-anon is for you, not him. Al-anon is for family members and other people affected by someone's else's drinking. It would do you a great service to speak to them. Alcoholics Anonymous is for alcoholics to attend, do you really think he will at all go to one of their meetings let alone stick it out?. No he will not primarily because its being driven by you. He has to decide to want to stop along with properly wanting to address the reasons behind his alcoholism for his own self, he cannot do it for you or anyone else. Such attempts led by others are doomed to failure.

It is precisely for all these children that he should be gone from their day to day lives. What are they learning about relationships here from the two of you?. Is this what you want for them, for them to accept this as their norm?. What emotional harm is being imparted to them, they have seen and heard far more than perhaps either you or he care to realise.

Sorry that come across as me describing him as a binge drinker..... I'm not and I'm not justifying his behaviour at all.
Sorry if this is frustrating you @Bluntness100 like I said though almost 20 years of marriage probably makes me cling on longer than I should!
Other than his huge drinking problem he's not a bad person ..... I know that seems like an excuse trust me it's not

Nobody says he's a bad person.
Drinkers are selfish. He will put alcohol above his family.

That is why I mentioned the sunken costs fallacy; you are well and truly stuck on it. The fallacy is that continuing to invest in something simply because you have invested so much will somehow turn it all around. And even though logic tells us that indeed it IS a fallacy – it’s not uncommon. Because stopping means admitting that we did something wrong. That we failed. We made a mistake. And it takes courage to walk away from a mistake.

Sometimes though – you have no choice because you run out of resources. No-one has stated he is a bad person but you and in turn your children are simply props for his drinking, you all revolve around the alcoholic and you are also propping him up for your own reasons (codependency amongst these). You are certainly playing out the usual roles associated with spouses of alcoholics and you are playing a part here in his alcoholism.

None of your children can or should be used as glue to bind you and your alcoholic H together. What effects do you think all of this is having on your children who are absorbing all the damaging lessons you are also imparting them?. You want this to be their norm in their adult relationships too?. Potentially it could become that for any one of them.

OP, you're me 3 years ago. Don't do what I did - I have only just got out.

Your H will spiral. He doesn't want to stop drinking. Mine still doesn't - he's unemployed, living in a crappy flat, hasn't seen his DDs since Christmas because they want no contact. He won't seek help and his life is shit.

Our life is great. We live in a calm, happy house where we talk, ,care for each other and share the load. We have all had therapy. We are thriving. That could be you and your DC.

As a first step, contact Al-Anon and learn about boundaries and detached love. Find the strength to do what is right for you and your DCs. It will be hard. It will also be the best thing you have ever done.

There is only one route to go here.
You need him to leave so that you can create a calm home for your children. You have wasted too much time and lost too much ground on their childhoods already.
Currently their home-life is drained by the alcoholic, even if he is not the nasty, bawdy type - he is at the very least not present emotionally and their mother (as always any spouse of the alcoholic) is exhausted and depressed because of it. You need to get yourself back if you want you children to have at least one functioning parent - currently they dont.

I have walked your shoes. I got him out. Life was great. He got therapy and got dry and eventually came home - life is great now. All the talking, cajoling, shouting, screaming, demanding I did for 20 years achieved nothing - that one action turned it around for all of us.

There is only one way through this.

Story of my life. Pointythings I am you. Got rid of him a year ago. After bleating on here ad nauseum about his drinking and narcissism, love of beautifying himself with cosmetic surgery. He is now living in another country with no job no fixed abode still blaming me for all his troubles and no interest in his kids except to look to them for sympathy. And they want nothing to do with him. I'm just realising now what harm it's all done, to my son especially who is finally starting to mature into a great young man, my daughter coped better. She's graduating soon and has made it clear she doesn't want her dad at the ceremony. Alcoholism is a terrible disease and yes you can excuse it as binge drinking and my husband used to say things like 'everybody drinks' but not everybody opens a bottle of scotch at 8 am and has finished it by noon. And it was 'all my fault' I drove him to it. All because I told him I wasn't happy and wanted a separation. Sorry I'm rambling but in all honesty I think you should leave for the sake of your children. Asap.

I am going through similar at this at the moment. He has sort of been alcohol free for about 6 years however realistically he just substituted it with tablets. Ended up in hospital with bleeding ulcer. That was 2 years ago. However the shock of that has worn off and he has had a couple of instances of drinking. Yesterday afternoon there was another one which for me crossed a line - he was in sole charge of children when he had the drink. I've finally stood firm and asked him to leave - he has apparently found a friend to stay with so I will see. I'm scared shitless but know I either need to do this or let be with the situation for another 20 years. I annoy trust him at all and I wonder what line will be next to be crossed.

What I'm trying to say is he can only stop if he wants if he doesn't think it's a problem he won't. And even if he does say he's stopped if you are like me you will be forever on edge.

*cannot - not annoy!

@bollocksitshappenedagain
Sorry to hear this, well done you on being brave enough to bite the bullet!! Sometimes you doubt yourself I find but I think you've definitely made the right choice!!

My husband said today he would leave if that's what I wanted, but due to my sen child I think weekend/half term is better for that..... sounds like an excuse on my behalf I know but it's the effect the meltdowns will have on us all at home as well as dad leaving! As although the kids don't like it, I've actually managed to smooth the cracks over for the past 9 months to the point where they think Dad doesn't drink much anymore..... no wonder I'm exhausted.

I'm going to contact al anon too, I've not said it's over but I've not said it's not either.

I appreciate everyone's comments massively and I'm overwhelmed at all the support and advice given to me (I'm a first time poster!)
To be honest this morning I did think 95% that's it but for him to go to an aa meeting I sort of think that deserves a bit of a chance.

@Eve16

Be careful you don't just brush it under the carpet. That's what I've done. I get all angry at the time but feel like I haven't got the structure and support around to kick him out then. Then I just wipe it out of my mind and carry on because it's easier until the next time when we repeat it.

This morning I went into work late as I had to get dd to school as he couldn't. I spoke to them and I can work at home for a few weeks (luckily I have a very flexible job) while I sort childcare logistics as he only works part time and did half the week of school runs. I've told him he has to tell his parents and if he doesn't I will tell his sister.

He spent last night saying I didn't love him etc etc
And he wasn't happy then this morning he's obviously feeling sorry and remorse has set in and he spent all morning trying to persuade me to give it another ago.

He finally realised I was serious this time.