Not blending families?

[Rainboho]

Been with DP for three years, both divorced, both have respective DDs all between 9 and 13. They all broadly get on but don’t realistically spend a huge amount of time together.

I love my DP, cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. We would very much like to live together and I miss him very much when he is not around. But, however much we would like this - we just cannot see how it would be the best thing for the girls. We are both able to run independent households without any issue so there isn’t that a driver. We have talked and talked but can only keep coming back to the conclusion of living separately and not families until the DDs are adults. We are both late 30s.

This has also meant the decision not to have a baby together, which I am particularly sad about, but my head sees this is the right thing for everyone.

I feel pretty confused about my feelings, on one hand I would live with him yesterday if it was just us, but we have DDs to consider and realistically they will be grown up in a blink leaving us lots of time to be together. But why do I feel so insecure, sad and weird about it? Everyone else seems to blend families so what’s wrong with us?

What is the reason for not moving in together?

Why don't you think you can do it
Could you put a year aside to slowly try to bring your girls together, then make a decision on how that works out.

In order to answer your last question, I think you'll need to provide more details on exactly why you and your DP can't move in together.

Ime /o blended families work when exes support it.
With a bitch here and a twat there it's too difficult to make it work.

Can you not trial it? Have you spoken to the girls and daughter their opinions? How far away do you currently live right now?

Realistically you could be taking another 10+ years before they move out maybe 15

Have you spent extended time, like holiday time, all together? How did that go?

No, we haven’t spent extended time together on holiday or similar.

Yes, there is an unsupportive ex on his side.

We currently live about twenty minute drive apart.

My DDs are ok with idea, one of his is not and she has some mental health needs and DP is worried about that.

Start small, make it fun, see what happens without any pressure.
And I guess remember that 'birth' families aren't always perfect.

I guess I’m scared DP is making excuses and I’m just sucking it up. Maybe I was hoping someone would come on and say, oh yes, it definitely works when you wait like that!

I don’t know. I just feel a bit shit about the whole thing.

You may be right to hold back. Girls of that age are pretty bloody headstrong.

Blending is a lot easier when they are tiny to start with!

I did wonder whether the ages were a big consideration really. And I do understand that they might all live at home longer than 18, but thought it might be easier once they are at that age.

Its a head vs heart thing

Pop over to the step families board for challenges.
Blending is extremely challenging and can cause relationship difficulties.

I guess you need to grieve for a baby, you are at that age when clock is ticking so it feels like last chance.
I think this can be a driver for those feelings.

The reality is parenting with 4 parents is very tough as it creates greater divisions, add in hormonal teens and you don't have a dream but a nightmare.
I think grass is greener but reality could be very different.

We blended a family. We saw each other for 4 years before moving in. In that last year we did loads and loads of research on how blended families work.

Everyone needs more psychological space. Everyone will find it hard. We found that the things we anticipated and planned for never materialised, but random issues came up all the time.

It takes 10 years for a blended family to settle down. We did it, it was hard but it ispossible

I dont think there's anything wrong with it if all parties are happy and feel it's the best way forward for the time being.

It can be very hard for all involved even with the best will in the world, and one child who is particularly u happy with the set up can put a lot of strain on things.

I think it's fine to say 'OK, this won't work right now but we will keep it under review...'. Family dynamics change all the time as kids grow. I mean, I'm not suggesting you wait for their blessing, but their may well come a time when you feel that you could make it work rather than saying never until they've all flown the nest - which let's face it, could be another fifteen years or so.

Can I ask what the reasons of his DD are and the MH issues.

What are the implications I.e would yous move into one of your own properties, buy/rent at a midway point so schools aren't overly affected.

I think you pretty much nailed it in your first post that the girls haven't spent much time together, I'm not saying force them but would def be spending more time as a unit.

Thank you for the further replies, they have helped me think things through more.

I guess you need to grieve for a baby, you are at that age when clock is ticking so it feels like last chance.

Yes I feel very much like this, like a grief, but I do logically understand that we have responsibility for the children we already have and are lucky to have them.

Everyone needs more psychological space. Everyone will find it hard. We found that the things we anticipated and planned for never materialised, but random issues came up all the time.

I think this is part of what we recognise, that it’s an additional psychological pressure at a time of a lot of change for them anyone and especially the one who is already finding life tough.

I think it's fine to say 'OK, this won't work right now but we will keep it under review...'. Family dynamics change all the time as kids grow.

This is exactly DPs perspective, he is a lot more laidback than me. I think that is partially why I started worrying that it actually suited him not to move in (he does know this is my fear, and is very reassuring, we talk very openly).

Can I ask what the reasons of his DD are and the MH issues.

Long term anxiety, DP wouldn’t be nearby. I don’t think she actively dislikes me or anything.

We would likely move into my house with a view to then finding a property together. It would be possible to move midway.

It has proved tricky to spend time all together due to arrangements with exes being a little opposite and that not being very flexible due to working situations. So it’s ended up that we tend to either spend time together DP and I, or I spend time with him and his DDs or (more often) he spends time with me and my DDs.

Try some holiday time together. Long term how about a semi detached house (both halves)

That’s an interesting suggestion re:house Sally, but not sure finances would allow!

I think there's a lot to be said for not living together - getting to the mundane sock-washing stage isn't a goal of mine. There's a lot to like about being independent and the time you do spend together is presumably about enjoying each other's company? Sounds good to me.

This will be difficult with his ex, who sounds very bitter in the background. I hope you find your way forward

The thing is Category is that I do have a very independent side and I don’t need to move in with DP. You’re right about the sock washing stage! So why do I feel upset about it all? I seriously can’t make sense of my own feelings about it. Im not sure if its because I feel a bit ‘less than’ other people, when there is another big part of me that thinks ‘this is great! I get all the fun none of the mundane bits!’.

I think you are right Soap, but I haven’t met her and I’m always cautious of casting an ex in the bitch category, but given my experience so far I think she could play games and I don’t want that to impact on my DDs either.

I think it's a bit of an insecurity thing - why isn't he throwing himself in wholescale, even when it actually can suit you not to, iyswim? I sometimes feel like it, even though I really am not ready for that, but I sort of want him to be?!

I agree with the others when they say that family dynamics change over the years and in 3 or 4 years time when they ate all teens or late teens it might feel easier.

@category yes! That’s it! I feel very much like that. The relief of hearing someone else say it.

Thanks too blackeyes, yes, I perhaps don’t need to rush as you and others have said.

Im feeling a bit better about it all now, I was so scared to post on here in case you all said ‘oh he just isn’t that into you.’ but I love him to pieces. Plus I can be a right fiesty cow on here, so sometimes it’s hard to put up a vulnerable post.

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing NOT living together.

As the child of (several) blended families, it can turn into a bloody nightmare.

Even if the kids are ok with it (which I was) you are trying to accommodate 4 different parenting styles under one roof alongside the teenage years.

Throw in ex's who feel pushed out or replaced and it really can put enormous pressure and stress on you all.

My mums relationship ended because of issues with different parenting ideals.

If it were me, I would just, very slowly, increase the amount of time you spend together - while leaving lots of time for them to spend alone with you/their dad.

Things might loook very different in 5 years.

If you are going to be together forever, there's no rush to move in together - and honestly, the extra stress may not be worth it!

And not having a baby together is a very sensible decision. Lots of people on here finds it really divides the family, especially for those children who don't live with you full time.

Just because an adult wants a new relationship (which they are entitled to), doesn't mean the children have to be brought along for the ride x